


Emotional Journey

by Subaruchan192



Category: Mystic Messenger (Video Game)
Genre: Birthday, Birthday Fluff, Birthday Party, Canonical Character Death, Crimes, Domestic Violence, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, F/M, Female Friendship, Female Protagonist, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Love, Male-Female Friendship, Sad with a Happy Ending, True Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-06
Updated: 2019-02-16
Packaged: 2019-10-05 11:06:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 45,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17323865
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Subaruchan192/pseuds/Subaruchan192
Summary: The shadows of the events with Rika are disappearing and the normal life settles in. Slowly, Jihyun learned, who he was and what he wanted to achieve. Karana stayed by his side and eventually, Jihyun was ready for a new relationship. Sadly, his self-finding progress meant to cut off most of the contact to ther other RFA members. Only Karana kept contact and informed the others about the progress, but now, it was finally time to get into contact.No one would have guessed, it would happen due to another trauma. During a phone call with Jumin, Karana remebers her own tragic past Right now, she needs her friends more than ever. Will they be able to help Karana heal?~*~My try for writing my own after end :) Takes place after Jihyun's/V's normal ending. It means that Rika and Saeran are dead. Knowledge out of the other routes are included as well. Every character gets his/her time to shine and to show, what he or she connects with Karana. Please, be aware, English is not my mother tongue.





	1. Jihyun & Karana - Gratefulness

„Karana, can I ask you something?” Jihyun stopped eating his breakfast and looked up. It was an early morning in their small apartment in the big city. Jumin had offered Jihyun to organise a way more comfortable home, but he had declined. Of course, he did. Jumin had been confused. Of course, he had been. Karana smiled at how they were such close friends and yet, on the surficial level, lacked the ability to understand each other. Jumin still had tried to convince his friend, but Jihyun still declined. It got so heated up, that they had almost started arguing. It was then, that Karana had interfered. With a gentle smile, she had taken Jumin by his hand, had pulled him away and carefully explained, why Jihyun did not want to take his offer. Jumin always listened to her like the rest of the RFA did. Rika had tried to be their salvation, but ended up to bring a piece for it to them- Karana. Over the past two years the members of the association had grown close again. They had been at the danger of drifting apart, but they overcame it and became even better. Even Zen and Jumin started to respect each other. Karana had been able to understand what all of them needed.

“Karana, is something wrong?” His voice was concerned. Beautiful, mint-coloured eyes searched for her gaze, desperately trying to find out, what she was thinking about. Karana blinked several times and just realised that she had been deep in thoughts for a few minutes.

“I am sorry, Jihyun.”, she apologised. She finally looked up from her own breakfast and smiled sweetly at him. Jihyun knew she did not use that smile on purpose, but it never failed its effect on him. He could barely be angry at her, when she smiled like that. Although he rarely was. Actually, the only reason was, when she was sacrificing herself too much for him. She did exactly, what she did not want him to do. “Of course, you can ask. What do you want to know?”

There was curiosity in her voice and Jihyun smiled at the brightness that always radiated from her. Her breast-long hair shone like chocolate in the morning sun.

“When it all got to its peak…” He hesitated for a moment as if he should really ask that question.

“Ji…”, she said softly, always using the nickname to encourage him. It sounded similar enough to the name he used for so many years and yet was different. He took a deep breath and tried to shake off his insecurity that got over him.

“You were already in love me back then, right?” It had taken all of his courage to ask. He tried to hold her surprised gaze, but he still was not strong enough. He lowered his eyes in shame. He still felt bad for hurting her, because of his problems. Because he could not return what she felt for him, although she had been the best that ever happened to him. He had felt like he should love her, but he had not been able to. She had understood him.

Karana frowned and thought about the answer for a while.

“To be honest, Jihyun, I don’t know. At that point, I did not think about what I felt for you. All that mattered to me was to help you.”

Jihyun stared at her in wonder, definitely needing some time assess her words and truly understand the meaning behind it.

“To help me?”, he repeated after a few moments of silence. “Not saving me?”

“No…I hoped that my help would save you, but that was not my intention.” The words came slowly from her mouth as if she carefully thought about every single one. “I guess this goes to the same direction as your original question, right?”

Karana bowed her head to the side, a thoughtful gaze in her blue eyes.

“You are right.” Jihyun breathed out and a sad smile twitched around the corners of his mouth.

“Then ask me your question. The answer to both is the same.” With a quick movement, she stood up and sat down on the chair next to Jihyun. Carefully, she rested her hand over his and squeezed it. Her warmth gently came over and slowly spread through every inch of his body. A warmth that often pulled him back from his darkness. Her warmth made him ease up. Still, it took great courage of him to ask the question burning in his soul for so long. Although her warmth was there to comfort him.

“In all this time, when I thought about to sacrifice myself, you never pleaded me to stay. You never showed any despair or fear that I would turn my back on you. All you said was trying to make me see the truth. How could you, when you…” His voice faltered for a moment, the following words binding a know in his tongue and his throat felt dry. Actually, a small part of him still wanted to run away as he had difficulty to handle all her kindness. “…when you already loved me?”

“Because this was not, what it was about. It was not about me.”, she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. “If I did, the circle would have never ended. It would have been another woman clinging onto you and forcing her wishes onto you. I told you, I am not Rika. I would never do that to you. I am neither obsessed with you, nor am I selfish. Pressuring you into staying would not have helped you. All I could do for you was to make sure that you see the situation as clear as possible.”

“Karana…” His voice broke with the last syllable of her name and a small tear rolled down his cheek. Although he did not feel sad. It was she opposite. “You are amazing. I still don’t know how I deserve you, but I am glad, that you think I do.”

Jihyun raised their joined hands and breathed a small kiss against her palm.

“Love is not about deserving, darling.” She gently rose her hand to his cheek and stroked it. “Love chooses it goals. It is only about the feeling itself. I love you, Jihyun.”

“I love you, too.” He finally said with a smile and it was immediately returned. Karana stroked his n hair out of his face. It had taken a long time and even more twists and dramatic turns, but he finally started to understand, what love truly meant. It was not about endless and unconditional support. It was about wanting the best for the other. Even through the darkest time, Karana had been at his side and did that for him. Even pushing away her own wish to be in a relationship with him just to ensure he could finally break free. She truly was the most caring person he had ever met. She had been patient and supporting, while he struggled to learn, who he truly was. Every time he looked insecurely around, she stood beside him and smiled, encouraging him to take the next step.

Jihyun leaned in and rested his forehead against hers. She wrapped her arm around him and pressed a gentle kiss into his hair. He breathed out softly and allowed him to enjoy the moment. Jihyun loved those peaceful gestures and he relaxed against her.

“Darling, you know I love those quiet moments, but your practise starts in half an hour and you’re still not dressed.” Well, he was dressed in his pyjama. His head jolted up and his eyes searched for the clock. Karana was right.

“Damn it.” Jihyun rarely cursed, but that meant he was eased up. Karana chuckled and started to clear the table, while rushed into the bedroom to get dressed quickly. A few minutes later, he came back, still trying to find the sleeve of his shirt. Karana chuckled and shook her head. He could be really cute. “And I was not able to finish my coffee.”

“I know, honey, that’s why I filled the rest into a to go cup.” She smiled and held it out. Jihyun just closed the last button of his shirt.

“I love you, Karana, but I truly do right now.” Karana laughed brightly and teasingly pushed him towards the front door. He laughed as well and grabbed his instrument. Karana was still impressed that he was talented in every kind of arts. He could paint, he took awesome pictures and was able to play several instruments. She was pretty sure, he could sing as well, tough he never did. He had not found the courage yet. Karana hoped he would someday.

“I know, honey, and now, off you go. See you later.” Jihyun was just about to leave, when he stopped and turned around one last time. He grabbed her hand, pulled her close and kissed her good-bye. Karana’s eyes fell shut. They always did, when he kissed her. It was like a gentle wind breathing away everything that made her feel bad. In those moment both of them were sure that all that drama and rough times had been worth it. Karana’s heart began beat faster with every passed moment. Yes, this was where both of them belonged.

“I love you, Karana. Thank for supporting me. I am glad that I have you by my side.” He took one of her brown strands and let it glide through his fingers.

“Ji…”, she said gently and pushed against his shoulder. “You really have to go.”

“I know.”, he whispered. “But right now, I don’t want to.”

“It is your dream, Ji, and you were so excited about it. Don’t turn it down just because you don’t feel like you’re good enough. I will believe it for you. Go now, we’ll see each other tonight.”

He sighed and looked at her with an irresistible smile. It was hard for her, too. She wished they could stay in bed for the rest of the day, but they both had responsibilities.

“You are way to responsible, darling, and understand me too well.”

Karana laughed.

“And if you don’t go now, I am going to make you.”

“Oh?” He playfully raised and eyebrow and a smug grinned appeared. That was even rarer than him cursing. Normally, Jihyun was always polite and sincere. It was hard enough to get him into flirting modus. It was adorable and sexy at the same time. Still, he really should go. Finally, she pushed him out of the door.

“Good-bye.” With these words she shut the door right in front of his nose and she heard Jihyun’s chuckle from the other side. Then, his steps moved away. Karana breathed out and leaned against the door for a few moments. Now, she could get to her work.

Karana had started to work as a freelance editor. Therefore, she had been more flexible in her schedule to be there for Jihyun, when his memories overwhelmed him or he started to doubt himself. Sometimes, tough, she felt cooped in. Their shared flat had only two rooms. Their bedroom and one room, which was their living room, office, dinning room and an open kitchen. Jihyun had saved some money from his time as a photographer, but they decided for a small flat. Both of them had changed their careers and therefore needed to watch their money. Before she had been kidnapped by mint-eye, Karana had worked in the human resources department of a middle-class plastic fabricant. The job had been alright and definitely not as stressful as Jumin’s or Jaehee’s. She had enjoyed it, but afterwards she had decided to do something that she liked more. Over the past two years, she had been able to establish herself in the self-publishing market. Her speciality became to assess weather a character stayed consistent in a story and if his character development was realistic. Right now, she had around three books and some minor projects per month. The income was enough to pay the rent and most of the groceries. The rest was provided by Jihyun, though he still did not earn much.

Karana sighed and pushed herself from the door. Today, she had to edit around one hundred pages of a psycho-thriller. Those books were always exhausting, because she should check if the behaviour of the sociopath was correct. She had to become the characters for a while and live through everything to make sure, if it was believable. For that, she definitely needed tea.

A few minutes later, she sat down at her desk. It was not much more than a slim table right in front of the window with a wide view over Seoul. Her desk ended at a jut that separated the kitchen and dining area from the living room. In front of that wall stood a huge book shelf stuffed up with books about psychoanalysis theories, sciences and mythology. On the left side of her desk was a big lounge that filled almost half of the living room. Karana had asked for such a big one, because she often sat on the lounge during work as well.

With a few clicks she opened the manuscript and continued her work. Her eyes flew over the screen while she accurately read every word and valued every dialog and action. For her luck, her customer had a profound knowledge of psychology. Therefore, the story was quite coherent and did not need much editing. Next to her laptop rested her mobile phone. The RFA messenger was still installed and every now and again she peered over wondering, if she should check it. She never did, because she wanted to focus on her work. Her goal was to finish as quickly as possible without a decrease in quality, because she wanted to cook for them.

Three hours passed and it became noon. The sun just started to shine through the window and warmed Karana’s left hand. Now was the time to change her work to the lounge or otherwise the sun would blind her. Just when she settled down, her phone started humming and announced a call. Karana picked it up as she sat down on the lounge and looked at screen. She shook her head when she saw, who was calling.

“Mr. CEO-in-line.”, she greeted Jumin on the phone. Karana closed her laptop and leaned back. She knew why he was calling. “How do I deserve the pleasure of your call?”

“Hello, Karana.”, he greeted her with a sigh. She knew that he bit down a remark because of her joke and stuck to the ritual of greeting. Karana loved teasing him and he knew that. She was pretty sure that he was pinching his nose right now. “How are you?”

“I am fine. Thank your for asking, Jumin.”, she said sweetly. “Jihyun is fine as well. That is why you called, right?”

“Yes.” Jihyun had decided to cut loose everything that had defined him beforehand. Otherwise he would not be able to find out, who he was. Therefore, he barely logged into the messenger and did not talk often to Jumin. Karana knew that it was not easy for his child-hood friend and that was why Jumin called her regularly. Jumin had just got his friend back just to let him go again.

“He has a practise today.”, she stopped and blinked for a few times. “And I realised just now, that you called exactly the day and time that he has one. I should definitely talk to Sae again about providing you our schedule.”

Jumin always called, when Jihyun was not there. Jihyun knew that Jumin called regularly. Karana had told him that Jumin was concerned, but he still wanted to keep the distance.

“He’s just worried like the others.”

“I know, Jumin, believe me, I do. It is the first question I get in the messenger no matter who is online. It is like my only purpose is it to provide all of you with information about Jihyun.” She mocked, although it was not completely untrue.

“I am sorry, we are all just concerned.”

“I would be as well, so don’t worry. I should start to make a standard entry message. Would save us all time.”

“That was quite a bitter sarcasm.”, he said in his deep voice.

“I just noticed. Wasn’t intended, sorry. I am grateful that all of you are caring so much and I understand.”

“I will make sure the others get more creative with their greetings.”

“Much appreciated. Thank you.”, she chuckled. Although Jumin and she were completely different characters, both were good friends. Karana understood him best next to Jihyun and Jumin respected her for saving Jihyun- and for adoring Elizabeth the 3rd. Well, it was also unpreventable because of their friendship.

“So, please tell me how he’s doing.”

“Well, as well as one could expect. It was a rough time and falls back into it every now and again, but to be fair, so do I.”

“Everyone does- me included.” There was sadness within his voice. Something that happened rarely.

Karana leaned back until she rested against the arm rest. She had a feeling that this phone call would take longer. She did not mind. Karana enjoyed talking to Jumin.

“Jumin, listen, I know it’s hard for you that Jihyun keeps you distant. I hope you understand, why he needs to. Believe me, he doesn’t enjoy it.”

“Yes, I understand now, after you explained it, but I cannot prevent to feel disappointed. I only get information about what is going on through you. We were so close back then.”

“Jumin…” It must be hard for him. They used to live next door, but then Jihyun and Jumin moved to different cities and after Rika’s death, Jihyun almost completely disappeared. When Karana was forced into the messenger, Jihyun appeared more frequently only to withdraw himself once again. Under normal condition Jumin likely would not care, but Jihyun was one of the few he truly cared about. “I am sorry that it makes you sad and I promise you, I’ll talk to him about it, but I won’t talk him into getting back in touch.”

“No, you wouldn’t. You would never force him to do something he isn’t ready for.”

“Never.” It was not just a confirmation. It also was a promise to the hidden plea of Jumin. “But starting anew and finding out who you are isn’t easy, Jumin.”

Her voice had turned dark without her notice. Jumin stayed silent on the other end of line and therefore Karana was able to notice that he was not at the office. Otherwise she would have been able to hear other people talking to each other in the background.

“May I ask you something, Karana?” Karana frowned about the serious tone of his voice. Jumin always was quite serious, but he was much more relaxed around her. He rarely used his CEO-in-line tone, how Zen jokingly called it.

“You’re the second asking me that today.”

“I will ask later, what Jihyun wanted to know.” He breathed out. “So, may I?”

“We are friends, aren’t we, Jumin?”, she asked instead of answering. Jumin did not respond immediately.

“I see you as my friend, yes.” She smiled in relief, because his hesitation had made her nervous. Although both got along well, it was always hard to tell what Jumin was thinking. He rarely made friends. “But why are asking?”

“Because as long as we are friends, you can ask me everything anytime. And I just liked to have a confirmation.”, she admitted. Jumin laughed.  “So, what is it?”

Just then, Jumin seemed to be getting serious again. Sadly, her attempt of easing up his mood did not last long.

“When you said, it isn’t easy finding out who one is…it sounded like you experienced it yourself. You had to go through that, right?”

Karana froze for several moments, her eyes wide and her mind blank. Like always, Jumin was quite observing. She had not realised, how sad her voice had turned. Otherwise she probably would have tried to hide it. Still, they were friends and therefore she should tell him, but on the other hand, she did not want to talk about it.

“You already know the answer, Jumin.”, she whispered quietly and closed her eyes. She was no longer able to hide the pain within her voice.

“Karana…”

“I am quite sure that you already know, that I was alone before I met you. Otherwise, Rika couldn’t hold me captive for so long without no one reporting me missing. I am sure you checked the missing reports, when it became clear I was a hostage.”

“I did indeed.” Jumin paused. “I just cannot imagine, how you possibly could not have any friends. You are such a kind, caring and nice person.”

“I am, now, but only because I improved.”

“What do you mean?”, Jumin asked confused.

“I hope, you have time. This story is long.”

“I have time.”, he answered immediately. “I won’t hang up now, when you want to tell me something important. Even if my schedule would demand it.”

“Thanks, Jumin.” Karana took in a shuddering breath. “Like you once said, I have huge emotional intelligence. Actually, that was my problem. When I see someone, I instinctively know what they need and want to help them.”

“That’s a good characteristic.”

“Thank you for saying so, Jumin.” She smiled sadly and hurled herself together on the couch. Her eyes wandered through their little, comfortable nest. The white walls, the little kitchen. They had chosen every piece carefully. Something she had not have for a long while. “Most enjoyed it at the beginning. They liked that I tried desperately to cheer them up, but when we reached the point, where they needed to rethink their choices, it hurt them too much. They pushed me away; saying I should not stick my nose into their business.”

“Karana…” Karana would have never thought it would feel so good to hear concern in one’s voice. It made her feel like she finally was good enough. Jumin seem to gulp on the other side of line, probably imaging how it must have felt for her.

“Therefore, I needed to learn not just to see what people need…I also needed to learn to assess, when I am about to cross the line.” She closed her eyes and licked over her lips.

“You should not have to.” Jumin tried to encourage her. “If they do not appreciate it, they were not worth it.”

“Jumin…”

“You are awesome just the way you are.” A small smile appeared on her lips, when his words sank in. “Don’t you ever dare to change that.”

“Thank you. Before I met all of you, I just started to doubt myself, because everyone had left beforehand.”

“We won’t.” Jumin paused and seem to think for a while. “That explains, that no friend reported you missing. What about your family?”

“I have none.”, she answered with a quiet voice. “Jumin, please believe me, what I am going to tell you. It is all the truth.”

“Why are you saying that?”, he asked confused.

“Please, just do.”

“I promise, Karana.”

“Okay.” She took a deep breath and opened her mouth to speak, but the words failed her. Her heart felt heavy and it was like the words were blocked. She tried to speak them out, but it was not easy. She never had spoken about it. She had never dared trying to express her demons with words. Karana had rather kept it hidden, because she did not want to look back. She wanted to strip it away from her soul, leaving the darkness, where it should be- far behind her. It should never define her again, but probably it was time that she worked her own problems out. “Okay…”

“You are unsettling me…Karana, what happened to your family?”

“Sorry, that was not my intention.” Karana blinked slowly and licked her lips again. Her gaze wandered off, when she started talking: “My father was an alcoholic and abusive. As long as I could remember, he was beating up my mother. He slapped her, threw her against a table or a wall. There was not a single, quiet day. My mother had no strength left anymore and accepted all of it so that it was finally over. After a while, he got bored, I think, at least he turned his attention to me.”

“How old were you?” Jumin pressed every word through clenched teeth. Karana was almost able to feel his supressed anger. Although he did not care for women, he would never tolerate such a behaviour. 

“Five.” She bit her lip and shook her head as if it would chase away the memories. “One day, I came back from school and heard screams through our door. I rushed in and found my parents in the kitchen. My father was threatening my mother with a knife. I was sure, he was going to kill her. In this moment, all I wanted to do was to protect my mother. Therefore, I ran towards him and pushed him away, hugging my mother. If he wanted to kill her, he needed to kill me first. My father got angry and he beat me up. I’ve never felt such an agony like that day… I felt like he was crushing every part of me- not just my body. At one point, I passed out, but it woke my mother up. She broke a bottle of his vodka on his head, picked me up and rushed me to the hospital. I had an emergency surgery and hardly survived. He had broken several rips. One punctuated my lunge and it therefore collapsed.”

“Karana…” Jumin’s voice broke and he swallowed. On another occasion she would be proud of making Jumin speechless. But not now. Every word was a struggle and she needed to force herself to talk about it. Her heart ached with every memory that appeared in front of her eyes. “So that is why you don’t like drinking alcohol.”

“I crossed a line back then. I am sorry.” At one day, Jumin drank a few glasses of whiskey and Karana had been very insisting that he drank nothing more. Jumin had been quite angry. Probably, because she was not completely wrong about not drinking anymore. She smiled bravely, but her body was shaking. Karana had thought she was over it, but it seemed like she was wrong. The past was not left behind through not thinking about it.

“I understand, now. You were worried.” Despite what Zen said, Jumin was pretty empathetic, when he wanted to be.

“Still, I was way too harsh and should not have interfered…it kinda caused a flashback.”

“Don’t worry, Karana. It’s fine.”, he soothed her and Karana could not suppress to breath out in relief. Of course, Jumin would not bother with being angry for long. It was way too inefficient. Something that Karana truly appreciated of him. He was not unforgiven and he truly liked her. When most of the RFA were resentful against him, because of much work he gave to Jaehee, Karana understood him. She thought the same, but she tried to make him see it and not just blaming him. She knew what huge responsibility he was carrying around. “You don’t need to go on, if you don’t want to.”

“It is fine. It needs to get out anyway.” She sighed. “My mother passed away, when I was 19. Her lever had been damaged due to an injury of my father. She needed a dialysis for a long time, until her body could not compensate it anymore.”

Jumin said nothing for several minutes and Karana noticed how her stomach tensed up. In this moment she felt most vulnerable. Though, she had no idea why.

“I don’t know what to say to that, Karana.”, he said hesitantly. He could not even imagine what she went through, when Jihyun had been operated. She must had been so scared and yet she had stayed strong and calm. She had given Jihyun every bit of strength he needed to pull through. Right now, he respected her even more than he did back then.

“I learned to be empathetic, because of my father. I needed to be able to asses, when I was about to cross a line. It was necessary for my safety.” Karana’s voice was thick with tears and shivered under their weight.

“It is a great strength, Karana, although it was born out of bad actions.”

“Yet, it is also my greatest weakness.”

“How could it possibly be? You were the best that happened to all of us for a long time. Me included.” Jumin’s voice was soft and sympathetic. Karana could hear that he truly meant it and Jumin never lied. It brightened the dark clouds of her past a little.

“When I think back of that mess with Rika and mint-eye, I start to ask myself, if I could have prevented it. Did I try for too long to save Ray and Rika? What would have happened, Jumin, when I decided for Jihyun’s side earlier?” Tears rolled freely from her eyes and Karana started to sob. All this time, she blamed herself for it and she had never vocalised it. It was something she blamed herself for. She should have been stronger, braver…she should have been more like Jumin and she could have prevented most of what happened. Her body started to shiver. She had loved Jihyun back then, she just realised. This was why she had tried to solve everything in peace, because she knew otherwise, he would blame himself. She wanted to protect him from these feelings and preferred to burden herself with it. She could carry it. She knew these nagging feelings too well. She asked herself the exact same questions after her mother died.

“Karana…” A voice appeared from the front door. Karana startled and tried hurriedly to wipe away the tears and snot. A gaze to the door showed that Jihyun was back. He had put down the instrument right next to the door. His eyes showed an expression she could not assess. Something between disappointment, sadness and pity. A combination Karana never wanted to see in those eyes again.

“Jihyun.”, she whispered breathlessly.

“Is Jihyun back?”, Jumin asked.

“Yes…”, Karana answered without breaking the eye contact, although tears rolled over her cheeks. Without any other word, she hung up and putted her phone away. Jihyun hurried over to her and before she was able to realise it, he had pulled her close. Her head was pressed against his chest and when she felt his warmth, another barrier broke. Her sobs became louder and her body shivered stronger. Karana had no idea it troubled her so much. Jihyun pressed a soft kiss into her hair and held her close.

“I am so sorry, my love.”, he whispered sadly. “I never wanted to cause you such pain.”

“You’ve never hurt me, Jihyun.”, she whispered quietly. “It was me causing you pain. I should have been braver. I should have been resistant to Rika… I should have protected you.”

“You never caused any pain to me, darling.”, Jihyun assured, while he stroked through her hair. “Since you were manipulated into the messenger, you were nothing, but light to me.”

“Jihyun.” Gently, he placed two fingers her chin and lifted her head until she had to see into those beautiful mint-coloured eyes. There were no hints of blame. All Karana saw in them was his empathy for her sadness. Jihyun did not want her to blame herself.

“There was nothing you could have done to save them.”

“I should have tried. Maybe, if I did not try to convince them, they wouldn’t have been desperate. Sometimes, not everyone can be saved, but I refused to believe that.”

“That is something I admire of you, Karana.” He looked up at her through his long lashes. Despite her self-doubts, she had to admit how elegant and beautiful he was. Although he rebelled against it, he could not completely get rid of the high society in his blood. His thumb brushed over the corner of her mouth, hoping to allure a little smile, but the shadows of her past were still too strong to allow any smile to shine. Jihyun noticed and the soft expression changed into a worried one. Even in the darkest hours, Karana had never faltered or had showed any doubt, but now, it seemed like she was at the end of her strength. Jihyun hoped, he had found enough to help her, now.

“Rani.”, he whispered softly. Karana blinked and looked up at him. Jihyun rarely used this pet-name. Actually, he only did so to emphasise his words, when he wanted to tell her something important.  “I know you hate it, but you were the victim. You were a hostage, allured into a fight far too big, even to those, who caused it.”

Jihyun breathed out heavily and lowered his eyes. The raging monster of guilt tried to take over him, but it was not about him. Right now, there was not time for self-pity. The woman, who was everything to him, needed his comfort. It seemed just now he was able to see how much strength her life demanded so far. Abused by her father, almost killed by those supposed to protect her, left alone, when she had become too troublesome and then being thrown into a war, that was not hers, screaming with all of her heart for peace and yet, even after the battle was won, she needed to keep going to help him find his life back. Still, she stayed strong and bright, only ever caring about others.

He pulled her close and felt how she stiffed. It was obvious Karana felt vulnerable, something she hated to feel.

“No matter how you’d behaved, it would have never been wrong. Even if all you ever did was crying and being scared, it would not been wrong. No one can withstand being dragged in a fight between the sun and the darkness. And you, my love, tried to push them apart. You tried to prevent them to clash into each other and destroy everything around them.” Tears watered his blue-green eyes. All he wanted was to prevent anyone to be hurt, because of the mistakes Rika and he did, but in the end, he had been wrong. He only made it worse. “It was not your task to save them, to make them see. Nobody expected you to.”

“I expected myself to…I did not want all of you to suffer the pain of loss again.” Karana’s melodius voice was almost not audible. A slight shiver ran through her and she hugged herself tight. “I hoped, I could convince Saeran at least …if just for Saeyoung’s sake.”

“Sadly, they were too caught within the darkness.”

“Once, when you’re captive by it, it is hard to leave it and step back into the sun. It feels like it burns you alive.”

“You know that Saeyoung does not blame you for Saeran’s death, right?” Jihyun bit his underlip and stared at the wall. “He does not even blame me, although, I sometimes wish he would. It would be easier.”

“Yes, it would be, but then the circle starts again. Saeyoung’s forgiveness ensured, it was truly broken. As hard as it might seem, those we harmed, decide when we chasten yourselves enough. We should respect their decision.”

“You are right.” He blinked slowly and pushed her back just enough to be able to stare into her eyes.  Like always, when he needed hold, he let his forehead fall against hers. Karana was not the sun, otherwise she would have burned him alive, but her light was strong enough to chase his darkness away. “But how all of this turned out, Rani, was not your fault. It honours you that you still tried, although you were dragged into this, because of us…because of _me_.”

Jihyun hoped that his words would reach her and helped her just like hers always helped him, but when his own words sank in, he noticed, he was being self-sacrificing again.

“And please, do not say anything, I just realised it myself.” He smiled weakly, when she just opened her mouth. “This not about me…I want to comfort you, so don’t you dare to try to cheer me up.”

Karana raised an eyebrow and let out a little chuckle.

“Threatening me, huh?”

“If I have to.” Jihyun smirked. He cupped her face and gave her a brief kiss. “Karana, since I met you, you gave me the strength to fight the demons of my past. I have never experienced it before, how it is like to be supported. Even though you were a hostage due to my past, your trust in me never faltered and your words gave me hope, when I felt like I was going to shatter.”

“Ji…” Her heart jumped at the soft words. Jihyun’s voice was soft and he gently caressed her cheek. Karana could almost not believe them, but she saw sincerity in his eyes. He was not simply saying it to cheer her up. He meant every word of it.

“You saved me…because of you, I was brave enough to search for my true self.”

Karana nodded and quickly wiped the tears from her eyes.

“I am sorry. I should not…”

“Don’t apologise for it, Rani.” He smiled warmly. He took one of her brown strands and gently swirled it around his finger. “I don’t want you to hide, how you feel. Whenever you feel sad, talk to me, please. I will try to cheer you up. Promise me please, to be honest with me.”

Jihyun took her hand and stroked over its back. He stared at her, his own heart pounding against his chest. Karana meant so much to him. She was the one, who released him of the chains of his obsession. Sometimes, he still had to fight his own patterns, but Karana was very understanding and prevented those. Slowly, Jihyun started to love himself. If such a wonderful person like Karana loved him, he could not be a horrible person. Karana was able to show him the good sides within him. She held him up, while Rika and he had clung onto each other in a desperate attempt not to drown.

“I promise.” Karana nodded and Jihyun breathed out in relief. He raised his hand and carefully wiped away the traces of her tears. It was only the second time he saw her crying. The first time had been after his surgery. He had woken up to her suppressed sobs. It had hurt, because all he ever wanted was to protect her. All the time she had stayed strong, but in that night, she had had no strength and cried because of him, although he never intended to worry her. He had wanted to speak to her, comfort her, but he had been too weak. Although his mind had ordered his mouth to move, no word had left his lips and just a few moments later, he had fallen asleep again.

“I love you, Karana. Thank you so much for believing in me, when I did not.”

“My pleasure.” Finally, she felt well enough to smile again. She was glad, she had been able to help him. Gently, she cupped his cheek and stroked over his high cheekbone. Jihyun closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. With every stroke, he relaxed more and more into it. The softness and tenderness warming his heart and lightened him up. It took Jihyun a very long time until he realised love was not about deserving. Maybe he did not deserve her love, but it was a decision made by Karana and she obviously found him worthy. “It might sound weird, but when we first wrote to each other, I saw your brightness radiating through the messenger, but also felt a deeply hidden sadness and loneliness. Although it was just an emoji, it felt like the smile didn’t reach your eyes. Then, my nature kicked in and all I wanted was to help you being happy again, because I could see, how you were supposed to be…does that make any sense?”

“You truly are amazing, love. Being able to feel it just through text messages.” Jihyun opened his eyes and his mint-coloured stared softly into her eyes. He turned his head and kissed her palm. “That you were able to hear my cry for help, although I did not hear it myself.”

Jihyun leaned his forehead against hers, closing his eyes and breathed her in. His heart jumped, when Karana started to stroke through his turquoise hair. Her tenderness warmed every fibre of him and he closed his eyes. Karana instead leaned in to kiss him softly. It was to reassure both of them they made it through. With every passed moment and every move of their lips, the darkness disappeared from their minds. The downturned corners of their mouths turned into smiles. The kiss became ridiculously, kitschy long, none of them willing to let the other catch for air. When they finally broke, Karana snuggled against him and closed her eyes, while Jihyun wrapped an arm around her waist.

“Welcome home, love.”, she whispered and Jihyun laughed, while cradling her head.

“Good evening, darling. How are you doing?”

“Better.”, she admitted with a smile and almost shyly looked back up in his eyes. “How was the practise? Did you play the third page correctly?”

“Nope.” He sighed melodramatically. Both knew what they tried to achieve. They wanted to replace the horror of the past with the normality of the present. Therefore, the situation might lose its terror. Karana looked up and both of them started laughing. His beautiful eyes shone softly.

“I know, I asked many times, but how are your eyes?” Her fingers brushed right next to them. Jihyun had agreed to get the surgery so the last remaining piece of Rika was left behind. His wounds could only heal, when he treated all of them or none of them would. He had been a victim of abuse, although Jihyun still struggled to accept that.

“Fine.”, he assured her and leaned in to kiss her palm. “Just like they were never hurt.”

“I am glad.” A bright smile appeared on her face. That smile that Jihyun immediately had fallen in love with. The smile, which made him believe, he could achieve everything- even escaping his destiny. Right from the beginning Karana had truly cared for him. On the one hand, he had felt its power seeping through him and tucked a smile out of himself, but on the other hand it had made him sadder. It hurt him to know she had been in a danger she had been oblivious of.

When both of them calmed down, Karana noticed how her phone just stopped buzzing. Irritated, she picked her smartphone up.

“Holy moly, 12 missed calls.” Karana stared wide eyed at the display. Jihyun leaned forward and rested his head on her shoulder, watching the display.

“Who called? Clients?”

“Nope…three from Yoosung, Hyun and Jaehee. Two from Saeyoung and Jumin called first. Probably to warn me, that he told the others.”

“You probably should leave a message.”

“Yeah, tough I am sure they are all waiting for me. I should probably tell them, what I told Jumin. I just don’t know, if I can again.”

“I stay with you. You can lean on me.” Karana turned her head to him and smiled, before she rested her head on his shoulder.

“Thank you, Jihyun.” With a final, deep breath, she opened the messenger and logged in.

 


	2. Karana- sadness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karana opens up to the other members of the RFA about her past. To cheer her up, Jihyun has an idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my word document, I used the colors of the characters to show who's writing. Sadly, I had no idea how to realise it here even with the tutorial in here. Therefore, I wrote the name of the chara in front of it, when it does not become clear.

  1. Chapter: Karana- Sadness



It just happened, what she expected. Everyone was logged in and when they saw, she joined, she was bombarded with concerned questions. They wrote fast so Karana had difficulties to keep track of them. Jihyun could not prevent a smile, while he held her. It was good to see, how his friends had accepted and cared for her.

_Whoa, slowly, guys. Not everyone at the same time._ , Karana typed.

_Jumin: I am sorry, Karana. Jaehee saw, how confused I was, when I ended our call and asked what happened. So, I told her. Seems like it started a chain reaction._ , Jumin’s purple bubble appeared.

Jaehee let this remark slip. At least she did not type any respond.

_Karana: It’s fine, Jumin. No worry._

_Hyun: Karana, are you alright?_

_Karana: Yes, Hyun. I am._

_Good, we were worried._ That Saeyoung was not joking showed her just how worried they were. _Jumin said, he never experienced you that upset._

_Karana: I haven’t been like that for a long time. Actually, I was worried myself, but Jihyun was able to comfort me._

_Jaehee: I am glad that Jihyun is with you._

_Yoosung: What have you been talking about? Jumin did not tell us._

_Karana: Thank you, Jumin._

_Jumin: It was not for me to tell. Are you going to, now?_

_Karana: Yes, I will. I am sorry, I worried you. It was just, when I spoke to Jumin, I was reminded of something I wanted to forget._

_What did Mr. Insensible do?_ Hyun’s angry emoji appeared on Karana’s screen.

_Karana: He did nothing, Hyun. It was not his fault._

The fact, that Karana did not joke either, showed how serious she was about it. She wanted to make clear that Jumin was not to blame. Jihyun observed a hard expression in her eyes. Karana had always hated an unfair treatment and although she liked Hyun a lot, she always hated that he was thinking badly of Jumin per se.

He gently stroked over her typing hand, while her fingers pressed a bit harder than usual into her screen. Karana looked up at him and he smiled reassuringly at her.

_Jumin: Is Jihyun coming to the chatroom?_

“Are you?”, she asked him, but Jihyun shook his head.

“No need for me to write in the chatroom. I think it is more helpful, when I hold you close. Write them, I say hello.”

_Karana: No, but he is sitting behind me and reads everything over my shoulder. He says Hi to everybody._

_Hello Jihyun._ , he was greeted by everyone.

_So then._ , Karana took a deep breath and collected all her strength to explain her past again. _While talking to Jumin, I realised, how much I know about you and how less you do about me. I think, it’s time to change that._

_Jaehee: That sounds serious._

_Karana: I might seem bright to you, but to be honest, I know the darkness Rika was talking about very well._

Saeyoung’s confused chibi emoji appeared. The questions marks flying around its head.

_Hyun: What do you mean with that, Karana?_

_Yoosung: That cannot be._

_Jumin: Please, don’t interrupt her. It is hard enough for her, I ensure you. Leave the questions for the end._

“Jumin…” Jihyun whispered, while he pulled Karana closer. He had noticed, how Karana had tensed up due to their disbelief. Jihyun was glad his friend was with her and he knew what she was about to tell. Jumin was clever enough to understand, what she meant with this cryptic confession. Karana opened her eyes, she had just clenched shut. “Thank you for taking care of her like you promised.”

“Ji…” He smiled and stroked her pony out of her face.

“Go on, Rani, they will understand and it won’t get any easier.”

“You are right.”

“I love you. You don’t need to be brave. I will be for you.”

Karana nodded and gulped. Instinctively, she grabbed Jihyun’s hand with her own, lacing her finger with his.

_Jaehee: Karana, are you alright?_

_Karana: Yes, yes, I am. I just…it’s not easy for me. So please, don’t question, what I am going to tell._

_Hyun: Now, I am truly concerned._

_Yoosung: You are not going to drop another bomb like Rika, are you?_

_Jumin: She won’t, Yoosung._

_Jaehee: So, you know, what she is going to tell?_

_Jumin: I do and I ensure you, it won’t change how you are going to see her._

_Karana: Jumin…_

_Saeyoung: Okay, I dunno, if I should be curious or concerned._

_Karana: Can I start, now? Please, I am barely hanging on. Actually, I don’t wanna speak about it again, but I treasure all of you so much, I want to tell you. I feel torn deep inside. I wanna run away and push my past back to where it broke free today, but I guess the lock is too damage to keep it in. I…I encouraged all of you to face your struggles. I guess, it is time, I do the same._

_Jaehee Karana…_

“How do I start?”, she whispered to herself. She did not intent to upset her friends.

“However, you like. They’ll understand.” Soft lips pressed against her temple and Karana allowed herself to notice his warmth. It helped her relax a little.

_Karana: You all told me, I appeared to be like a gift given to you by Rika._

_Yoosung: Karana, I am sorry… I shouldn’t have said that…_

_Karana: Yoosung, stop, please. It is okay…I just try to find a start._

Karana took a deep breath and let it out through her nose. Jihyun was able to sense her anxiety, but he also knew, every new start would only made it more difficult.

_Karana: What I haven’t told you… you all were, what I needed most as well. My soul carries a lot of scars. My father was an alcoholic and he beat up my mother. Pretty bad, actually. He threw her over the table, against the wall, he slapped her. I can’t remember, how many times I curled myself into a ball, while I heard her screaming and begging in the other room. I covered my ears with my hands, sometimes screamed so loud, so that I didn’t hear it. At one point, my mother made no sound anymore. I heard him raging, but she didn’t plead anymore. I only heard her sobs. I guess, she had no strength left to fight against him…or she hoped, as long as she’d endure it, he would not hurt me. I don’t know._

For the first time since Karana had joined the messenger, there were no messages _._ No one of the others member knew what to say or they listened to Jumin’s advice. Jihyun felt how tears started to well in his eyes. Karana had told him the rough points, but she had stayed rather calm, not willing to let any emotion slip into her voice. Right now, seeing how her hands trembled, how she bit her bottom lip and squeezed her eyes shut, it hurt. He could read her pain with every word she typed into the text box. No wonder she had so much understanding for Rika, but at the crossroad she had decided to follow the light, while Rika turned to the darkness.

_Karana: When I was five, I started to understand, what was going on. That it wasn’t right. My mother shouldn’t be hurt. When he hit her the first time in front of my eyes, I begged him to stop. I told him he wasn’t supposed to hurt mommy. I told him that a father should protect his family, while tears streamed down my face._

“Rani…”

_Karana: That was, when he slapped me in the face for the first time. It was just a slap, but afterwards, it became worse. It was like he’d crossed a line. It happened more often then and he became more violent. There was not a single day, when mommy and I didn’t have any bruises._

_Jumin: Your teachers didn’t notice your injuries?_

_Karana: We were poor, Jumin. I didn’t visit such a prestige school like Jihyun and you. No idea, how it was at your school, but my teacher never looked that close and mommy became pretty good in covering it up._

_Yoosung: Why didn’t she protect you?_

_Jumin: Most victims of domestic violence are too dependent on their partner, Yoosung. They don’t work, were isolated from their family and friends. They don’t know, how to get along with their lives after the relationship. They feel ashamed, because most don’t understand, why they stayed with him._

_Hyun: Whoa, no need to be Mr. Encyclopaedia. It is still Karana’s past we are talking about._

_Karana: But he is right, Hyun. At least that was, what my mother told me afterwards and I can understand somehow. It is a cycle. There were times, when he was the sweetest father one can imagine. He held me in his arms, told me how proud he was of his little girl… and those words… I don’t know, how to explain it…_

Tears streamed down her face. It was the first time she talked openly about it, allowing her emotions to intertwine with her explanations. It hurt her badly to allow those emotions back into her thoughts, but she knew this marked the beginning of her healing. Tough, it was hard to hold her phone, even more to write complete sentence that made sense.

Jihyun looked sadly down at her and gently stroked the tears from her eyes. Pain was radiating from her and he knew, this was not the end of it. It was hard hearing how hurt she was and it made him realise, how much strength she had needed to pull him out of the darkness. How many flashbacks she must had to endure during those eleven days and yet she had stayed strong. Right now, all he could do was holding her close, lending her his warmth and love. Karana took a shuddering breath and her hand clenched almost painfully into Jihyun’s, but he did not care.

_Karana: It might be hard to understand, but when he was nice to me, I was happy. Incredibly happy._

_Jumin: He used it to manipulate you. It made you believe that it was your fault. He would be nice to you, if you behave yourself._

_Karana: I know it, now, Jumin, but I grew up with a carrot and a stick. I learned that it was always my mistake. That he didn’t like it to punish me, but he had no choice, if I disobey._

_Jaehee: Karana…_

_Karana: I gained my emotional intelligence in that time. To stay safe, I had to see, what he needed. Another beer, something stronger, staying away or behaving like a good girl. Otherwise…_

_Jaehee: You would be hurt again._

_Karana: Or my mother. She was often punished as well, when I misbehaved._

_Yoosung: She was your mother. She should’ve done something._

Sometimes, Karana admired Yoosung’s youthful naivety. For him, there was only black and white. Grey was a colour he had barely experienced.

_Karana: It is not that easy, Yoosung. She was a victim as well. The only one to blame is my father… still, I can’t deny, I thought it from time to time._

She clenched her teeth. Suddenly, her throat was dry, although she was not speaking.

_Karana: When I was seven, my mother said something that truly scared over my soul. Something, that determined the rest of my life. I cried and begged her to get me away from daddy. I asked her, why she did not protect me from him. I think the pressure and despair was too strong for my mother and she snapped. She yelled and me: “It wasn’t like that before you were born. Now, he has to feed three mouths and then, you are such a bad girl and I have to endure the consequence. I wish you were never been born.”_

“Karana…” Jihyun breathed out heavily. He had no idea about it. Karana shook violently as her sobs tormented her. He had been oblivious to her pain and the darkness she came from. How could such a strong light have been born out of such darkness? His friends were startled as well. Hyun not even using his shock-emoji. No one wrote. What kind of hell her home must had been so that a mother said something like that to her own daughter? Jihyun had no idea how to help her, although his love was barely hanging on in his arms.

“It’s okay…”, she whispered, but her voice was thick from the tears. She gulped several times, trying to get rid of it, but she failed. How could he be her light right now? What should he say? The only way he had learned was to take the burden, but he did not want to do it again. Although Karana was stronger and different from Rika, there were some similarities and he did not want to make the same mistake. He wanted to offer true help and not an illusion of unconditional love. “Just hold me close, please. For now, hearing your heartbeat is calming me down, Jihyun.”

He could not prevent his little smile. Even in this situation, she was able to read him like an open book and knew exactly, what he was thinking.

“I will always do that, love.” He pressed a kiss against her temple “Just tell me, what you need.”

She nodded and picked up her phone again, which had fallen out of her hand. Still, there was silence in the messenger. The rest waiting for her to continue, if she wanted to.

_Saeyoung: Karana…you don’t need to go on…if you don’t want to._

_Karana: Thank you for worrying, Saeyoung, but as hard as it is to tell you…it will help me in the end. I never vocalised it and therefore, my past kept its power over me._

Karana closed her eyes and took another deep breath.

_Karana: Those words made me think, it was all my fault that my mother was abused. Therefore, I decided to be a good girl to ensure my mother’s safety. So, I put on a mask. From that moment on, I became the perfect daughter. I covered my bruises and scars with makeup, studied hard and got great marks. I was always polite to others and carried the brightest smile. When there were family gatherings from school or something else, we acted like a happy family. I ran to my father, hugged him and said, how much I loved him, although it felt like every word would burn my tongue. I was disgusted by myself and the lie I lived. At day, we represented heaven. Everyone envied my mother and praised her of how she was capable raising such a wonderful daughter. No one was willing to look close enough to see our hell._

_Jumin: Still, you kept it up?_

_Karana: I don’t expect you to understand, but when those mothers praised mine, it was the only time she smiled. She seemed happy…in a twisted way. Therefore, I kept that act up, although it made me hate myself. I felt like I was sitting in the darkness and everyone was turning their back on me, while I begged for help._

_Hyun: We won’t._

_Karana: I know._

A little smile danced on her lips, although it did not reach her eyes. She could feel Hyun’s persistence.

_Jumin: I still cannot understand, how anyone needs to chain other to them by violence. It’s an act of weakness._

_Saeyoung: That’s not what it is about. Often, the abuser has little self-confidence and try to make up for it through controlling everything of others. They don’t know any other way than through violence._

_Karana: Saeyoung._

Karana’s heart ached, because she knew, he had experienced the same. Probably even worse than she. Jumin’s annoyed emoji appeared.

_Jumin: Pathetic. It truly is an act of the weak._

_Jaehee: Do you want to go on, Karana? It sounds like the story is not over._

Karana thanked Jaehee silently, that she changed the topic.

_Karana: You are right, Jaehee._

She took another shuddering breath, her hand clenching even stronger into Jihyun’s. She looked up at him, hoping to find a grip within in his eyes. Full tenderness, his mint-coloured eyes stared down at her. His grip around her tightened and he pulled her closer until she rested completely on the lounge and against his chest. His warmth soothed her and chased away the darkness of her past, which quietly crept up on her.

“I am here, Rani, until the very end. Lend whatever strength you need.” He pressed his lips against her temple in a desperate attempt to give her a weapon against her sadness. Karana nodded thankfully and squeezed his hand, before she nestled herself back into his protective warmth. She never wanted to feel that cold and numb again, but she started to believe, she never had to again. Her friends would stay beside her and smile, until she was able to smile again.

The tension of her friends was noticeable, although they were so far away. She could almost see, where all of them were, clenching their phones tight, thinking about how to help her.

_Karana: My mother and I were caught in a lie. It took great strength to play the perfect family on the outside, while being completely broken on the inside. We both knew it would end- one way or another. It was just a matter of time. I hoped it would happen soon. At first, I prayed someone would come to rescue me. All I wished for was someone looking closely and to ask me, if everything was alright. It wasn’t a great wish, wasn’t it? It wasn’t too much to ask for, right? I just longed for someone willing to look behind my mask, but my prayers were completely in vain. Therefore, the light of my faith turned into darkness and I started to curse my father. The darker my thoughts became, the brighter shone my mask to hide them. So, no one looked closely. Therefore, my thoughts became worse and my darkness stronger. It was a cycle and the wheel of my destiny started to spin faster and faster. While I laughed with the other pupils at school, my real self sat in the darkness and screamed its lunge out. I was completely torn between reality and illusion and I shattered under the pressure of handling all of it alone. Over the years, I grew cold and numb inside. I reached a point, my mother had many years before me. When my father beat me up, I endured it. I made no sound. I felt nothing. I simply waited until it was finally over and I could leave. There was nothing left of me anymore. It felt like the darkness of his terror had swallowed me and I would never be able to escape again._

_How did you… Yoosung hesitated to write his question. How did you find the light again?_

_Karana: When I was twelve, we reached the point of no return. It was a frizzy autumn day, just after summer vacation. I came back from my club activity. I took the knob, but I hesitated to open it. I heard the well-known noises again. Father was in rage. So, I stayed at the front door and asked myself, if I should go inside. I had just healed physically from the last time I dared to interfere. I did not want to be beaten up again. I just wanted to turn around and leave for the park._

_Jaehee: How horrible._

_Karana: But then I heard that something sounded differently. Normally, my mother was almost not audible. No one from the outside would have noticed, what horror ruled over that flat. Only those, who lived there could hear it. This time, however, I heard and sensed mother’s fear. My heart skipped in terror, but I had to go in. I could not run away in a situation like this. What I found, shook me to the bones._

_Saeyoung: He was about to kill her._

Karana nodded silently, until she realised, no one would see it. Although they were writing through the messenger, it felt like all her friends were sitting around her. She could see them all around her in front of her inner eyes.

_He was?_ Hyun’s shocked emoji looked even more shocked.

_Karana: He was._

_Saeyoung: Abusive relationships always escalate at one point. The victim decides not to be a victim anymore and the abuser fears to lose control. Those situations are dangerous and often end with either of them dead._

_Yoosung: Oh my God, Karana. Did she…_

_Karana: No, not that day. I went into the kitchen and saw my mother cornered, my father hunched over her. He strangled her with one hand. In his other hand, he held a knife and aimed for her heart. I knew, he was about to kill her. I saw the fury in his eyes. His nostrils blown wide and he breathed heavily. My mother on the other hand had fear of death in her eyes. I knew, I had to protect her, if only to ensure, I would not be alone with this monster for another six years. I jumped upon my father and fought against him. The knife cut me several times, but I did not feel any pain. The years of abuse made me resistant against it. In the end, I was able to slide the knife away, but my father got grip on me. He grabbed me by my hair and dragged me through the flat. I screamed, struggled, kicked and fought, but I was too weak. When we arrived in the living room, he threw me onto the ground like I was nothing more than a sack. I crashed against the lounge table. My view exploded in pain and I curled myself together in attempt to protect my most important body parts. When I looked at my father, I saw that he had torn a handful of hair from my scalp and I just realised the blood running down my head and over my eyes. I guess, they looked like red tears. What followed…actually, I don’t want to write it down. It might be too hard and I don’t want to burden you. It might be too much._

_Jumin: Please share with us._

_Karana: Are you sure? It’s disturbing._

_Jumin: If you were able to survive it, we will be able to hear and endure it._

_Jaehee: We would like to know, what you’ve been through to understand you better._

_Saeyoung: We don’t wish for you to go through this mentally again, Karana, but it made you to the person, we care about. It is a part of you._

_Jumin: And we want to know every part of you not just the bright sides._

_Yoosung: Don’t show us your mask, don’t go easy on us._

_Hyun: We are friends. We will endure everything you did. We won’t run away._

_Karana: Guys…_

“They will support you, Karana, because of who you are, not because of what you gave to them. Please, take off the mask and shatter it together with the chains of your past. You don’t need them anymore,” Jihyun whispered into her ear. Karana almost did not hear him, because she was shocked and fought against breaking down, but the barrier broke. She sobbed violently for several minutes in Jihyun’s arms, touched by the kind words of her friends. Jihyun reached over and grabbed some hankies. Carefully, with his warm smile on the lips, he wiped away her tears and snot. Karana felt vulnerable and ashamed of herself, because of how it must look like. Still, she accepted, that Jihyun did not care.

When she calmed down, she picked her mobile phone up and continued:

_Karana: He kneeled down over me and truly beat me up. He slammed my head against the table several times. He punched every part of me he could get. I’ve never felt such pain in my life. My entire body was burning. My interjection made him loose every piece of control. He was out of his mind and I was under his mercy. I screamed, tried to get him off, but I failed. I cried out to my mother. I begged her to help me. With every punch of him, with every kick, a piece of me broke. My attempts of self-defence died. In the end, he grabbed my neck with both hands and strangled me. I was scared to death, when I couldn’t breath. I was sure, I was going to die. I gasped out, clenched into his arms and tried to tear him away. When it turned out useless, I closed my eyes and waited for death. Actually, I thought then, it could not become much worse. In worst case, I would simply stop existing. It wasn’t like someone would care anyway. At least, the pain would stop. But it seemed like my cries had woken up my mother. I don’t know, I was unconscious, when she smashed one of his bottles on his head._

_“Rani…”_

_Karana: The next I remember is how I woke up in hospital. My mother sat by my side and cried…apologised. She told me, she rushed me to hospital. I had an emergency surgery, she said. I barely survived. My skull and several ribs were broken. Some had punctuated my lunge and it collapsed…others injured my stomach. Massive internal bleedings. She told me, I was unconscious for a week. I had to go through hell, but when I saw the light again, it finally was over. I’ve never seen my father again. The hospital stuff worked well. When they saw the injuries of our abuse, they called the police. They came and got the testimony of my mother and me. They took her home and kept my father away, so that she got her belongings. A few days later, my father was arrested. The prosecutor did his job. He made sure, my father confessed his crimes. So, there was no trial. I didn’t have to testify in court. It was a cut. It was an end. The nightmare was over. We were free…but after such a long time in captivity…when every aspect of your life was controlled…you need to learn, how to be free. It didn’t feel real… like you woke up from a nightmare and you’re not sure, if you are still dreaming or awake. We were afraid, although we lived in a woman shelter. Slowly, we rebuilded our live. It took forever and the scars remained. Sadly, it was too late for my mother. She suffered from the consequences of our abuse. Her lever, spleen and kidney were too damaged. She needed to go to the dialysis regularly. In the end, her body gave up. She died, when I was nineteen._

_Hyun: Karana… I… I don’t know what to say._

_Jaehee: I am so sorry, Karana._

The members of the RFA apologised, although they had nothing to do with it. Kind, but hesitant, words flooded the messenger. Except for Saeyoung, who remained unnaturally quiet. Karana guessed, because a lot reminded him of his childhood. He would understand best, what she had been through. Maybe that was the reason, why both of them got along well. Karana knew that Saeyoung truly cared for her. She treasured him as one of her closest friends as well. Her gaze wandered to the window instead of reading the messages. The sun had set and the lights from Seoul shone through their window. She did not know, how to handle compassion. To receive it was something she had learned through the RFA.

_Karana: Thank you for your kind words, but I am okay._

She typed hesitantly. To find the right words was not easy.

_Guys,_ Saeyoung came to her rescue. _I think, she appreciates it, but she might feel a little overwhelmed. Compassion was something she hadn’t receive for a long time. I know, it is hard to understand, because she is brilliant in comforting others, but she might not know, how to handle receiving it._

_Jaehee: Is that true?_

_Karana: He’s right. And it’s an excellent transition to what I actually want to tell you._

_Jumin: What is it?_

_Karana: Like I said before, through my abuse, I gained a great emotional intelligence. I know, what people want to hear or need to hear. It is natural to me. With the words of my mother engraved painfully into my soul, all I looked for was affection. I didn’t even look for love or kindness. Just some positive behaviour towards me. A little smile, a greeting, choosing me as lab partner. Those little gestures meant the world to me and I tried to make everything right to get them. In the end, I guess I begged too much for them. I always ended up alone with no idea what I did wrong. I tried so hard to be kind, why did nobody like me? I was rather popular at school, but only on the surface. The other pupils enjoyed my kind character. They loved, how I was cheering for them, supporting them and made them feel better…but when I tried to tackle the real issue…everyone told me to piss off and pushed me away. I only wanted to help them, because I did not want anybody to feel as horrible as I did… but they didn’t want to. They were not as strong as all of you are. They didn’t want to change. Not really. All they wanted was to be pampered up, but I didn’t understand it back then. When it got hard and difficult, they decided I wasn’t worth it. With every banishment, I learned a bit better to assess this border, but I still failed. My helpful nature was too strong. Not so long before I downloaded the messenger, my supposed-to-be friends turned their backs on me again. I felt lonely. No one noticed me. Nobody looked at me. I felt like a ghost. I felt lonely. I mean, I must have, right? Otherwise, I would not have been that stupid to download a suppose-to-be dating sim from another source than the app store. It says a lot about how desperate I was. I didn’t mind, when the developer came and told me, I needed to follow him to test the game. I just wished for something, anything. At least those bots would not turn their back on me. They were programmed to like me and I would believe it to be real, because that was all I wished for. I remember, how surprised I was, when I started it. How real the AI’s felt like._

Karana laughed bitterly about herself and shook her head. In retrospect, she truly was an idiot. Her fingers clenched into her palm until she felt warm blood. Jihyun was looking sadly at her, she could feel it. Actually, she hated compassion. She felt like a child again, who could never make anything right. 

_Karana: I just want to tell you, that all of you were exactly, what I needed as well. Although you were suspecting me, I felt comfortable in your group. You are my first friends and helped me to see the nice side of life, although it was a rough time. I…I don’t know how to explain it. I just want to thank all of you and tell you how much you mean to me. I would never trade any of you for anything in the world._

Her heart pounded loudly in her ears, while she waited for a response of her confession. She felt vulnerable and actually expected them to laugh and leave. It was silly, she knew it. The RFA never would, but still, the fear sat deep inside her. Jihyun’s hand gently stroked over her arm.

_Jumin: We would never let you go, expect you want to. You belong to us._

_Hyun: For once, I have to agree with Jumin._

_Saeyoung: You are precious to us as well._

_Jaehee: If we are able to give back, what you give to us, then we’re happy._

_Yoosung: Actually, we miss you. We understand Jihyun’s had to cut short the contact and you want to support him, but we barely talk to each other._

“Yoosung…,” Jihyun whispered and guilt entwined his voice. For once, Karana did not notice it.

_Karana: I miss you, too._

She had barely met Jaehee, Hyun and Yoosung. There had only been a short meet up, after Jihyun was released from hospital. He had told them his decision and Karana had declared, she would stay by his side. Jihyun watched her closely and saw, how much she missed her friends. It was written all over her face. In this moment, he realised, he had even asked more of her than he had expected. Not only did she had to support him, she stayed away from her friends because of him, although she had just found them. He bit his lip and squeezed his eyes shut. That was not how it was supposed to be. She should not sacrifice everything for him, although he knew, Karana did not feel that way. She was happy with him. He saw it in her eyes every day, in the way she looked at him and smiled, but this was not how it was supposed to be. Then, he had an idea.

Everyone snapped in surprise, when Jihyun logged into the chatroom.

_Karana: Jihyun?_

_Jihyun: There is something I want to tell you. First of all, I am sorry that I kept Karana way from you. I know that she means as much to you as she does to me._

_Jaehee: It is alright, Jihyun. We all know you need to find yourself and we are glad that Karana is helping you._

_Jihyun: Still, it shouldn’t be that way. Just because I need to stay away from you, doesn’t mean she has to._

_Karana: Ji, it’s alright, really. I understand and it is not like you forbid me to see the others._

_Jihyun: No, but you knew, I needed you here. Otherwise…well, I would be worse than I am, now. But I got an idea._

_Yoosung: An idea?_

_Jihyun: The week after next, I have a pretty tight practising schedule. I am going to be barely at home. How about each of you spends one day with her? And on Saturday, I would like to invite you all to my concert._

_Hyun: Wait what?_

_Jumin: You are going to have a concert?_

_Yoosung: Why don’t we know?_

_Hyun: Shut this, why are we not invited?_

Jihyun flinched at Hyun’s remark and Karana almost chuckled. She had told him, they would be disappointed.

_Karana: He wanted to make sure, he’s able to play everything perfectly. He hasn’t played a single time for me either and hasn’t invited me, yet, as well._

Jihyun smiled embarrassed and ducked his head.

_Jaehee: Oh, Jihyun._

_Jihyun: I am sorry._

_Hyun: Stop keeping apologising._

_Jihyun: I am sor…okay._ He sighed deeply and continued. _We could also have a gathering on Sunday, because it happens to be Karana’s birthday._

Karana blushed, when Jihyun announced her birthday. She never had a real birthday according to society and did not care much about it. She only told Jihyun, because she thought he should know as her boyfriend. Tough, boyfriend sounded way too weak to describe their feelings.

But this was all forgotten, when a parade of surprised emojis appeared on her screen. At least they were all sensitive enough not to ask, why she had never told them.

_Jumin: I assume, everyone likes the idea, right?_

Everyone agreed.

_Jumin: I just got another idea, I would like to offer. How about we are going to organise everything on our own? Therefore, the entire week is a surprise for her. We coordinate with whom she is going to spend the day and what we’d like to do. On the next day, the previous host bring her to the next one._

_Hyun: Wait, wait! She’s supposed to stay the night?_

_Jumin: It is much simpler than driving her back to their apartment every day._

_Hyun: But…but…she shouldn’t._

_Jihyun: Are you going to take advantage of it, Hyun?_

Suddenly, there lingered a smug smile around Jihyun’s mouth. There was something within it that underlined the proverb: Still waters run deep.

_Hyun: What? No…no, of course not. But, she’s your girlfriend, Jihyun. Are you really okay with her staying with other guys?_

_Jihyun: I trust her and you. Despite, if someone tries something funny, she can defend herself. She is pretty dangerous with a cushion._

_Karana: Try and challenge me. You are going to regret it, I assure you._ _😉_

_Hyun: Why do I have a bad feeling about this? And how do you know that, Jihyun?_

Karana knew that Saeyoung was laughing out loud about how Hyun had cornered himself.

_Jaehee: Actually, I like the idea._

_Yoosung: Yeah, me too! That would be great._

_Jaehee: We should also organise Karana’s birthday party, because she’d organised all of our RFA parties._

_Jihyun: Does that work with everyone schedule? Jumin, Hyun, Saeyoung?_

_Jumin: We’ll make sure of it._

_Jaehee: First, do you want to, Karana?_

_Karana: Yes, I do! I like the idea of having a day with each of you._

_Jaehee: Are you also fine with us planning everything?_

_Jihyun: Yes. I am looking forward to it._

_Jumin: Okay, then we will arrange everything._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really put my heart into this one and I hoped, you were able to feel it and that you liked it. :)
> 
> What do you think of the idea of Karana spending a day with each of the RFA members? Who do you think is going to be the first spending a day with her and what are they are going to plan? I would love to hear your thoughts. 
> 
> The next chapter is with Jihyun and Karana again and then, the week will start. Next chapter will come next week.


	3. Karana & Jihyun - doubts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Karana starts packing for the week with her friends and self-doubts starts to creep up on her.

  1. Chapter Karana & Jihyun - doubts



The next week flew by. Karana was busy wrapping up all of her jobs so she could take a week off. Head over heels, she buried herself into her work. She could not deny the spark of excitement in her heart. She had tried to tease any information out of her friends, but she had no chance. They had way too much fun with Jumin’s plan. Everyone of them was eager planning a day for Karana. Actually, it appeared they had started a competition- well, Jumin, Hyun and Saeyoung did. Yoosung was rather amused and Jaehee annoyed. Still, no matter, who Karana asked, no one gave her any clue. At first, Karana had loved the idea, but right now, it was hard being out of control. It made her rather anxious. Jihyun had cut short his practise for the remaining week. He had sensed her struggle and he also wanted to spend the days with her. He had stayed at the lounge, while she was working, and read a book. Jihyun adored how concentrated she typed into her laptop or flew over her psychological textbooks. It was easy to see, how much any project meant to her. Her fiery passion and virtue patience should be a contrast, but they were not. She was able to combine those within her. Actually, it was pretty funny listening what she was mumbling over work. How she valued every word of a lover and assessed if they were too cliché or it should be more romantic. While she thought about every word, her head weighed from one side to the other. Jihyun could not help, but chuckle every now and again.

Jihyun had been relieved that the day after her confession, Karana had been acting normal. She had smiled gently at him, when he brought her breakfast and had kissed her on the forehand. How strong she was. Even after she had left the chatroom, she only had been quieter than usual, but there was no sign of depression. She had rested in his arms for a while in his arms and had allowed his warmth to soothe her. Soon, she had been smiling again, although it had been weaker than usual. First, Jihyun had been afraid she had put on back a masked. Karana had cupped his cheek and had stroked over his face. She had ensured him, she would never hide herself from him. Jihyun’s fear subsided, when she behaved like she always did the next days. Her smiled had stayed bright and sincere and never withered. When he had asked her about it, she had told him, she had been able to take a step, Rika never could. She had left her past behind and had chosen the light. The reason had been pretty simple, she had explained. She had needed to shake it off, because otherwise her father would still control her life. It had taken several years, but she had accepted her past.

Right now, Karana stood in front of their bed. A big, blue suitcase rested on the white sheets and she watched it with an evil gaze. Her mouth was twisted into a snarl and if she had any telekinetic powers, it would burn to ashes right now. Jihyun sat in the little armchair they had been able to fit into their bedroom. Karana had been packing and unpacking for an hour and it seemed like she had declared her suitcase as her personal nemesis. Jihyun laughed, when Karana threw a thick sweatshirt out of her suitcase and it sailed through the air.

“What is wrong, love,” he asked and tilted his head. Karana looked up and glared at him, because of his amused expression. She was adorable with the deep furrow on her forehead.

“You know exactly, what’s wrong, Jihyun,” she snarled back, but she was not mad at him. Karana was rather tensed.

“The way you behave, the hoodie dared to pack himself into your suitcase. It loves you so much, it does not want to be apart from you. I cannot blame it.”

“Jerk.” She gazed at Jihyun through the corners of her eyes. Jihyun laughed and stood up. His white shirt rustled, when he moved over to her and wrapped an arm around her waist. He pressed a kiss to her shoulder and then looked into the suitcase. It was empty again. “Why are you so amused about my misery?”

Still, she rested her head against his arm and his heart skipped a beat, because she still searched his closeness, even if she was annoyed. He smiled fondly down at her and he kissed into her hair, allowing himself to linger a bit longer and breathed in her unique sent.

“Because you are very cute, right now.”

“Cute?” Karana raised an eyebrow and looked up at him. He chuckled into her hair and planted another kiss into it.

“Yes, very and I am falling even more for you.” The little blush creeping over her cheeks was adorable. Although she was anxious, he could sense her excitement. Jihyun always watched her close and therefore noticed the little jumps in her walk; the brightness in her eyes. Deep down within her, she felt like a child on Christmas Eve. Jihyun was glad to discover this side of her, although she often showed it to Saeyoung. Jihyun and Karana were rarely playful with each other. Their relationship started in the darkest of times and therefore was rather mature. Dealing with Jihyun’s insecurity had left rather less space for teasing. Karana knew that. Maybe, now that he felt more self-confident, they could add this aspect to their relation. “It must be hard for you to give away the control. I know, you desperately try to keep control, because you had none for a long time. It shows how much you trust them.”

“Rika and you, you have chosen wonderful friends,” she admitted with a slightly bitter tone in her voice. Rika still was her bête noir. Karana understood, how she had felt, but not the path she had chosen. Karana knew, she had been mentally ill, but she could not accept to blame Jihyun for everything. On the other hand, although she hated herself for it, she still was not completely sure, if she was just a replacement and she also did not want hurt him. Her hand clenched into a fist. Jihyun frowned, because he did not miss the strange undertone.

“Rani, listen to me.” Gently, he turned her towards him and placed two fingers under her chin. With his other hand he grabbed hers and stroked it, until it relaxed. “I am truly sorry, love, that we got to know each other in such a horrible time. I am sorry, that you, of all people, had to go through this, although I believe you were the only one able to go out of this rather undamaged.”

Jihyun’s gaze was determined. Something, she had barely seen on his face. He cupped her cheek to prevent her from breaking the eye contact. He wanted to solve this out. He would not allow Karana to doubt herself or what she did for him. Never.

“I am _so_ sorry, you had been dragged into this. Between Rika and me. She knew, she would force me to react, when she involves someone innocent.” His fingers brushed over her cheekbone. “She wanted to use you to hurt me. She wanted to convince you to join her and I would have to live with the knowledge of not being able to save you.”

“Ji…”

“But I am so glad, she underestimated your strength.” His expression became softer. “You recognised the darkness, when it tried to sneak upon you. You could not be fooled around.”

He sighed deeply and let his head fall for a moment, but he wanted to be strong.

“Rani, I can’t say without any doubt, I would have chosen you, if Rika had been normal. I probably wouldn’t due to how stubborn I was.”

“Wow, that hurts…,” she said quietly and Jihyun’s heart ached, because of her tone.

“Please, let me talk to the end. I know that my relation with her is a pretty sensitive matter to us and we like to avoid talking about it. I hate that it started that way and I had to say this to you. But, Rani, I feel better with you than I ever did with her. Even before I knew her dark side. We were dependant on each other. I once told Jumin, I only felt complete with her.”

“Yeah, he told me.” Her voice was a quiet whisper and She lowered her eyes. Jihyun knew, she felt pushed away again. Like she could never be Rika.

“We clang onto each other. We weren’t able to be independent persons. We were only working together.”

“That sounds like you were soulmates.”

“No, _we weren’t_ ,” he said determined. Karana startled and looked back up at him. “It was _obsession_. Something, I could only realise through you, because you showed me, how true support felt like. You aren’t a replacement. You are not my next _victim_.”

Jihyun hated the bitter taste of the word on his tongue.

“I’ve never said that. But I can’t blame you looking for what you found in Rika in someone else. I was the closet and willing to offer you support.”

“You sell yourself too short, love. I’m sorry, I made you feel like you couldn’t compete with her. The truth is, she couldn’t compete with you. I never regretted my time with her. We didn’t know it any better then. We’ve never learned, how love should feel like. But in retrospect, I was chained to her. With you by my side, I was able to get rid of the toxic. I became stronger, brighter and more confident through your support. It felt like you were gently holding my hand, while I was learning how to walk on my own.”

His eyes shone bright and lovingly.

“You have never pushed me into doing things, I never wanted to do. You were even willing not enter a relationship with me, because it might be bad for me.” He stroked her cheek again. “All you ever cared for was me. I’ve never experienced it. Rani, you are the best that ever happened to me. I probably wouldn’t have chosen you, if Rika had hidden her darkness. But that would have been, because I would have been too stubborn, not because you aren’t worth it. It would have been another mistake of me, not yours.”

“Jihyun…”

He took her hand and placed it onto his chest. She felt his heart beating fast, but steadily under his skin.

“I hurt, when I think back of the time, but the most present emotion is happiness, because I found you. I leaned on you, yes, but you only hugged me tight to give me strength. I told you, you were the first, who embraced me except for my mother. I…my heart jumped, when you did so. I felt warm and protected. You helped me to become whole again and I’ve fallen in love with you during this progress.” Jihyun stopped his flood of words and looked down at her, watched of her azure eyes stared widely at him, her mouth slightly open. He wrapped an arm around her back and pulled her close. Gently, he tucked her under his chin and closed his eyes. For a while, his thoughts returned to that time. It had been his greatest test and he was only able to pass it because of her. Jihyun was aware of that. “No, actually, I was in love with you right from the beginning. To be honest, I longed to talk to you ever since we started talking, because you made me feel better. That scared me, because it felt like I was starting to make the same mistake again. I felt foolish and tried to withdraw myself from you, but I couldn’t. Even though I barely knew you, you gave me strength. You instinctively knew, what I needed to hear. My feelings for you are not a compensation. They are different from those for Rika. They are better. I am better than I ever was before. All thanks to you.” He smiled warmly and leaned his forehead against her. “Thank you for reaching out to me and pull me into the light.”

“Jihyun…” Karana gulped and tears of happiness welled into her eyes.

“I love you with all my heart. I did choose you back then. Otherwise, I would have chosen to sacrifice myself to save Rika. You made me realise, it would never end. I could never end it on my own. Even if I let her kill me, it would not save her. It must have ended. On that night, when she came to me, I wished her all the best and said good-bye. Even if she were alive right now, I wouldn’t go back.”

Karana looked up at him and blinked the tears out of her eyes, while her heart hammered against her chest. She felt bad about it, but those words felt wonderful.

“Better now,” he whispered and gently poked her with his nose. “Can I hug you?”

“No…,” Karana answered. Jihyun’s head jerked back and he stared at her with wide eyes. He only breathed out, when she smiled. “I’m going to hug you.”

With these words, Karana wrapped her arms around him and held him tight. She could feel his heart jump again and how he relaxed into her. He returned her embrace. He leaned a little back and kissed her, trying to pour all his love into his kiss. Tough, he was sure, he would not be able to.

“I love you, Jihyun. Thank you so much for saying all this.”

“I didn’t say it to cheer you up. Every word is true, love. So…” He dissolved and wrapped his arm around her hip again. “Let us solve the great puzzle of packing your suitcase, hmm? What is the problem?”

“I have no idea, what to pack. They haven’t given me any hint, what they are planning to do.”

“It is spring. The weather is rather steady. I don’t think you would need any warm clothes.”

“Well, it still could be that Hyun decided to take me for a ride on his motorbike.”

“He would not do something that dangerous with you.”

“Or Jumin could fly abroad with me.”

“A bit extravagant, even for Jumin, don’t you think?” Karana turned her head and raised an eyebrow in suspicion.

“You read the chatlogs. They’re trying to surpass each other in planning the perfect day for me.”

“I think, they’re rather teasing each other. They would never do anything, you would feel uncomfortable with. They know you well enough to know, both would make you uncomfortable.”

“And you know, how competitive they are.”

“And they treasure you more,” Jihyun insisted and pressed his lips against her cheek.

“Is there any chance you know, what they are planning?” Hope glistened in her eyes and she turned to him.

“Sorry, they haven’t told me a thing, because they knew, I would tell you, although it was my idea. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“Uhm…yes, there might be.” She blushed and her fingers twitched nervously.

“Tell me and it will be yours.” His voice was soft and encouraging. Actually, he enjoyed giving something to her even if it was just a little thing.

“Could you choose some outfits out for me and I am just going to switch out some pieces? Maybe it is going to be easier, if I have a basis to start with.” Pleadingly, she looked up at her boyfriend. He smiled down at her, nodded and pressed another kiss into her hair. Gently, he squeezed her waist, before letting her go. He walked over to their wardrobe. His hand ran over her neatly hung up clothes. His love had a truly incredible sense of fashion. Every outfit she chose was a nice view, even if it was just a jogging pants and a hoodie. Jihyun took his time to assess what kind of clothes she owned. It was not like he did not know every piece. After a while, he grabbed three shirts, two long sleeved shirts, two pants and two skirts. He also picked up a pair of comfortable boots. Karana tended to wear shoes with heels and that might be unsuitable for any outdoor activities. He also took a colour neutral, thin cardigan and a thicker one. Karana watched him and smiled. He was so careful with his picks. It showed her, how deeply he cared for her. He wanted to make sure, she had clothes for everything.

“Hmm…and just in case, this.” Jihyun held a lacey, red dress in his hand. He walked towards her and held it against her. “Jumin will likely take you to a fancy restaurant. I love this dress. You look incredible in it. Is it fine with you?”

“Yes…,” she whispered breathlessly. Jihyun smiled and put it into the suitcase and stroked it even.

“Any wishes for exchange?”

“No, I think it is perfect.” She turned to Jihyun and grabbed his hands. “Thank you very much.”

“My pleasure.” He leaned in and whispered into her ear: “But you have to choose your underwear by yourself. Otherwise I am going to get tempted.”

He pressed a hard kiss next to her ear.

“I am going to make dinner.” Then, he hurried out of the room without leaving Karana a chance to answer. She looked after him and then chuckled quietly. Time to get the rest of the packing done.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wuhu~ Perparation is done, so let's get this week started. I am as excited as Karana :) Next chapter is going to be published next Sunday and to be honest, I love it. I hope you do as well. Thanks for reading :)


	4. Saeyoung- kindness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is time for the first friendship date. Expect a lot of fun and emotions. :)

  1. Chapter Saeyoung- kindness



The next morning was a nice, soft spring day. The sun shone brightly and only a few clouds flying through the blue. Its light broke within the huge windows of the entrance and danced on the white tiles of the floor. The elevator opened. Karana and Jihyun left it, Jihyun was rolling Karana’s suitcase. Karana had been excited all morning, tough she was nervous as well. Jaehee had sent her a message yesterday, when she was supposed to be downstairs. Karana had asked her, if Jaehee would be the first, but she got no respond. It was frustrating. Karana had no idea how nagging the situation would feel to her. She had no idea; how hard it was for her not to have the control. She held tightly onto Jihyun’s hand and he noticed the little quiver.

“It’s alright, love.” He kissed her temple. “I’m sure, you are going to have a wonderful week.”

“I think so, too,” she said with a nervous shake in her voice. “Still, I admit it is a little nerve-wrecking.”

Karana tugged gently on his hand and made him stop. Jihyun turned around to look at her.

“Tell me, Jihyun, is it really alright to leave you alone for a week?” His eyes softened and he leaned his forehead against hers.

“You are way too kind, love. I cannot deny that I am going to miss you, but we would barely see each other anyway. I’m feeling better knowing, you’re gonna have fun with your friends. Just promise me to text me once per day, okay?”

“I would do anyway and I am going to miss you as well.” She looked up at him with the heart-warming kindness he had fallen in love with. Jihyun kissed her and held her tight. For their luck, nobody was in the entrée and the porter did not pay any attention. They were not his first couple saying good-bye to each other. Karana snuggled against him, when he dissolved. Sometimes, he still wondered, how he deserved her. Why he was so lucky that she loved him.

Exactly at 10 AM the doors of the entrée opened. Jihyun raised his head and smiled, when he recognised the first RFA member, who she was going to spend her first day with. The member stopped at sight of them, but Karana had not noticed it yet. Jihyun gently nudged her head and made her turn around. The squeal that followed was one of the most adorable things he had ever heard.

“Sae,” she shouted with excitement. The red-haired man stood in the entrance, his hair burning like fire in the sunlight. It was a great contrast against the orange headphone and the yellow stripes of his jacket. He smiled as widely as Karana did. Without having another gaze for Jihyun, she ran over to one of her best friends. It was easy to see, how happy she was to see him. When Karana reached him, she did not hesitate and hugged him tightly. Saeyoung startled for the blink of an eye. He looked down at her and then back to Jihyun. The mint-coloured man smiled reassuringly at him and pointed towards her. Immediately, Saeyoung tilted his head towards Karana and returned her hug. 

The hug lasted too long and was too intimate for a simple greeting. All of them knew which hidden message rested within it. Karana was aware that her past had reopened wounds within Saeyoung and she wanted to offer him comfort. Saeyoung on the other hand offered his own for her pain. It was a trusted gesture and Jihyun noticed how close they became, while they had been in Saeyoung’s hideout.

“I am so sorry, Sae,” Karana whispered. “I am sure it must have hurt, when I wrote about my past.”

“It’s alright, Karana,” the red-hair reassured her. “I am sorry, you had to endure all of this.”

The former-hacker closed his eyes for some moments, but then dissolved. Karana lowered herself back onto her heels and smiled at him. It did not take long until Saeyoung smiled as well. Both were trained enough to lock the past back to where it was hidden.

“Hello, Karana. Ready for an adventure?” His golden eyes gleamed with joy.

“I am, Sargent Saeyoung.” She chuckled, looked back up at him and saluted. “I’m glad that you are the first one.”

“I had to fight Yoosung and Hyun for the pole position, but it was worth it.”

“Fight off? What did you play? Tic-Tac-Toe?” Karana tilted her head and grinned.

“Rock-paper-scissor.”

“Great.” She sighed over dramatically. “Being the first to spend a day with me did not ask for a more complicated competition?”

“Should we had held a torment? With lances and horses?”

“Well, that would be appropriated.” A loud laughter escaped both of them.

“Are you ready?”

“Yes, come on, let’s go back to Jihyun.” She took Saeyoung’s hand and pulled him back to her boyfriend, who still smiled softly. Jihyun greeted Saeyoung with a brief hug. Saeyoung was still a little sour because of Saeran’s death, but he did not reject it and clapped on his back. Saeyoung understood Jihyun had best intention that went to waste.

“Hello, Saeyoung, it’s good to see you.”

“Hi, Jihyun.” He raised his hand and then took the suitcase from him. Karana hugged Jihyun tightly and kissed him.

“Good-bye, Jihyun. I love you and am excited for your concert.”

“Good-bye, love,” he answered. “I wish you a lot of fun. Saeyoung, please take good care of her.”

“Of course. No need to tell me.” Saeyoung rested a hand on her shoulder. “Are you ready?”

“Yes!” Now, the excitement shone through her voice. Saeyoung smiled happily and both of them turned around to leave. Karana just stopped in the middle of the way and turned back to Jihyun, who gazed after them. “Jihyun?”

“Yes?”

“Slam that damn third page.” She grinned wide at him. The musician laughed loudly and nodded.

“I promise, love. Have fun!” He raised his hand as a good-bye and Karana left her apartment house together with Saeyoung.

“So, what have you planned for me, Saeyoung?” She jumped next to him, when the glass door closed behind them. Saeyoung smirked smugly. He looked exactly like his emoji. He rested a hand around her shoulder to guide her.

“Curious little thing, aren’t you? My my,” he fluted in feign shock.

“Please, tell me. It made rather anxious not to know what was awaiting me, although, I know you would never do anything, what made me uncomfortable.” Saeyoung stopped his walk immediately and looked concerned down at her.

“Karana, are you alright?”

“Yes, I am. I just had no idea how much I still need the feeling of being in control.”

“Give me one more minute and you’ll know anyway. Is that alright?” He looked down at her and his yellow eyes showed his concern. Karana nodded in acceptation. Saeyoung breathed out in relief and smiled again. He turned left and leaded her to a parking spot not too far away. There were not many cars, but one stood out. It was a red cabrio and obviously one of his babe’s. The car roof had been folded back and the red auto paint glistened in the sun. Karana frowned and looked up at her friend. Saeyoung stopped and rummaged into his pocket. Finally, he was able to find the keys and opened the boot. Carefully, he stored her suitcase into it, before closing it soundly.

“Sae?” Saeyoung opened the door for the passenger seat and smiled warmly at her.

“You sounded quite interested in a ride with them. Sadly, the last time was not a very pleasant opportunity. I thought, you might like to go on a trip with me. Does that sound nice for you?”

“It won’t start speaking with me like Kid, right?” Saeyoung looked surprised. “We’re not going to arrest some criminals? I’ve had enough of that for a while.”

“I definitely have to invent such a car.” He smirked. “So, what do you think? We could do something else, if you want to.”

“No, that sounds like a lot of fun.” Saeyoung would have never expected how relieved he felt, when she finally moved closer. After the order of the days had been figured out, Saeyoung had spent many nights awake, mulling over what Karana would like to say. It needed to be awesome, because it would be the start. Saeyoung wanted to make sure to cheer her up.

“Then, me Lady…” Saeyoung bowed over dramatically and Karana laughed at the gesture. “…please offer me the pleasure of your company.”

“The honour is on my side, Lord Saeyoung.” She bowed as well. A smile flashed over his face and she even noticed a little blush on his cheek. Although he had always loved to play along with her, earnest kindness still overwhelmed him. Even if it was hidden under a little bickering. He had a sense for it.  He also blushed at the sound of his real name. He had started to call himself like that again, after he gave up working for the agency. Instead, he had opened a toy store, which was an instant hit for every child.

Karana took the hand he offered for her and Saeyoung helped her into the car. Karana smiled up at him. Little gestures showed her how kind Saeyoung was. Sadly, his mother ensured it was buried deep under his sadness. She was glad, he could open up to her at least. With a gentle push, he closed the door. Karana took a moment to look around. This babe still smelled like a new car. She knew it was not, because she saw it on one of his photos. The leather of the interior felt smooth and cold. He definitely took great care of his cars. Maybe, because he could not take care of his brother anymore. She looked over to Saeyoung as he sat down beside her.

“If it is too warm or too cold, just tell me.”

“Saeyoung…it is a cabrio and the car roof is open. It would not make much sense.” Saeyoung blushed and ducked his head in shame.

“I…I am sorry. Of course. How stupid…”

“Sae…,” she whispered softly and turned in her seat. “…no worry. There is no need for perfection. I am happy to spend the day with you. That is all that matters. We had no time for ourselves. I haven’t seen you for almost two years. There is nothing that could go wrong today. _You_ can do nothing wrong, okay? Just enjoy it or pressure yourself, your choice, but I’m going to enjoy it anyway. Because you are my friend and you cannot disappoint me.”

Gently, she reached towards him and ruffled through his fire red hair. She hoped, it would make him laugh again. Her heart sank every time she saw doubts or sadness in those yellow eyes. Karana was not dumb and knew there is no possibility to always be happy. She wished simply, he could be happy more often than he was.

His blush deepened and Saeyoung did not dare to look at her, but he enjoyed her strokes for a while.

“Karana…” He took in a deep breath, then turned towards her. His eyes looked shyly at her. Vulnerability and uncertainty flickered in his aura, but then took a deep breath. He rested his hand on her arm and squeezed. “Thank you.”

“No need to thank me, but you’re welcome.”

“Okay.” He took a deep breath and shook the dark thoughts off. “Okay, then, let’s ride.”

The well-known, wide smile appeared on Saeyoung’s face. The engine roared like a cougar on the hunt and soft vibrations ran through the body of the cabrio. Karana startled a little. That definitely was a sports car. It hummed in anticipation for its run. Wherever Saeyoung wanted it to run to. It just waited for him to tell it. Carefully, he navigated it out of the parking slot and onto the main road. Karana closed her eyes and enjoyed the warmth of the sun on her skin. 

Saeyoung knew his way through the artificial canyon humanity had named Seoul. Karana was still amazed by those skyscrapers, which enthroned above her. Karana was born in a little village in the north. She knew coldness and snow. She knew white, but she had not known silver and grey. She remembered how her breath had been caught in her lunge, when those artificial mountains appeared at the skyline for the first time. Saeyoung turned right and entered the main road. It went from west to east and followed the shore of the river Han. Karana turned her head and watched how little sparkles danced upon the deep blue surface, while green plants were their audience. Karana liked blue, especially, when she had been caught in black. Dark blue was close to black and therefore nothing completely new, but it was not as scaring as black. Blue felt calm to her. Karana had always longed for turquoise. It combined the two colours of life- blue for water and green for plants. This wonderful colour she had always been looking for. The colour of the ocean. Karana loved the ocean, although she had never seen it. When she had locked herself into her room, she had often stared at a picture of it. She loved how it could be calm and comforting and strong on the other hand. She had wanted to become this in person, although she knew it would never be possible. Still, she wanted to try it. Karana knew it had been Jihyun’s colour, what had caught her interest in the first place.

They were driving east. For brief moment Karana had wished they were driving to the ocean. She was sure she could ask Saeyoung to drive there with her, but she did not want to change his plans. He had stressed himself out for so long to plan this day for her. She wanted to get to know, how every of her friends would like to spend their day with her. It was also a path to gain information. What they decided would also show, what they saw in her. It would give her a new puzzle piece to herself.

“Is there any chance, you are going to tell me, where we are going?” She was still curious, nevertheless. Karana dissolved her gaze from the water. She turned her head towards Saeyoung and smiled warmly at him. Saeyoung glasses reflected the sun. She couldn’t see his eyes, but she was sure they were twinkling with amusement.

“Nope, sorry. It is top secret.” He whistled innocently and Karana laughed.

“And there is no way I could ever trick a former worker for the secret service.”

“You can try.” He winked without looking away from the street. “But to defeat God Saeyoung is a very difficult task. You’ll get a huge prize, if you succeed.”

“Oh, like a pretty armour?”

“ _A pretty armour_ ,” he snarled. “Oh, Yoosung is going to be _so_ disappointed to hear that.”

“There are pretty plate armours out there. Who would want a sexy armour?”

“Nice safe,” he smirked. Karana chuckled and closed her eyes again.

~*~

Twenty minutes later, they arrived the city limits of Seoul. Saeyoung continued to drive east and headed towards the mountains. The farer they left the city behind, the emptier the streets became.

“Well, well, time for some fun.” Saeyoung’s grin became wider and his eyes glistened. His hand moved to the gear stick and his babe roared in anticipation. Karana yelped in surprise, when the car speeded up. The acceleration was strong enough to press her into her seat. Saeyoung frowned because of the noise and turned his head to her. Karana’s body is tensed and her hands clenched into the seat. “Karana? Was that too fast?”

“No…I am fine.” She smiled. “I’ve never…been in such a car. It is amazing how it speeds up.”

A small, breathless chuckle escaped her.

“My babes are extraordinary.”

“Just like their owner.” Immediately, Saeyoung blushed and his fingers clenched into the wheel. Karana knew it had been a mean little trick to distract him, but otherwise he would not stop worrying. It had only been a small shock for her and now, she started to enjoy it. The wind was playing with her brown hair and tossed it over the lean of the seat. The sun shone warmly into her face and the fresh smell of spring raised into her nose. Expertly, Saeyoung lead the car through the narrow, curvy streets, which winded their ways upwards. On a straight track, he turned on the radio. Soft tunes came from the speakers. Karana recognised it immediately. It was one of her favourite songs.

“Of course, you know my favourite songs,” Karana said. “Was there anything of me, you did not check?”

“Nope,” he answered smugly. “Jihyun wanted me to be very thorough.”

“And what crucial information did you gain from my playlist?” Curiously, she watched him out of the corners of her eyes.

“That you are a huge Disney and Anime fan.”

“And therefore…”

“You must be a psychopath. No one else can endure so much kitsch.” For a moment, she stared at him in surprise, but then burst into laughter.

“Oh no, you figured me out! Now, I have to kill you.” Her eyes sparkle in mischief. “But after your surprise. I wanna have my fun first.”

“Wanna torture me beforehand? You truly learned from the best villains.” Saeyoung laughed along with her.

“You challenged me.”

“I’m still not going to tell you, where we are going. So, let it go.”

“Shall I feel unsettled that you use quote that’s an easter egg for Zootopia and Frozen?”

“I figured, it’s pretty good background noise for hacking.” Karana laughed and closed her eyes.

“I love this.”

“What?”

“This.” She waved around the car. “I love bickering around with you. It was a light in the darkness.”

She turned her head back to him and smiled, when she saw, how Saeyoung blushed.

“Thank you, Saeyoung.” The sincerity in her voice brought tears into his eyes. Most people did not even know, he existed and he rarely heard words directed to him. Honest thanks were something he only got from the members of the RFA. Still unused to it, it always threw him of the track. He squeezed his eyes shut for a brief moment, but remembered his responsibility for her well-being.

“Karana.” He wanted to say something, but Karana smiled and started to sing along with the song. Saeyoung knew, she did it for him. With this gesture, she wanted to tell him that he did not need to say anything. She did not need an answer, because it had been her wish to say it. Saeyoung closed his mouth again and smiled. _Angel_ …he had called her this many time. He had chosen the tone of a joke to cover it, but he always meant it. Her sense for pain deeply hidden in each soul was incredible. Naturally, she was able to know how take it away and make it endurable. An ability intended for an angel. Luciel, descendant of the name an Archangel once wore, before he fell into darkness. Saeyoung had been doomed to be in the darkness from birth on and in his sense of humour, he found this baptise name fitting. In Jewish transmission the name of the Archangel had been Samael, which meant _light bringer_. He had loved God with all his heart, but God demanded of him to love humanity more than his father. Samael refused and was punished for that. Saeyoung would do the same as his patron saint. He would choose her above everyone else. His light bringer and still, she said he had been hers. Did he deserve to be light to someone else, when he had not been able to bring light to his brother? Should it not be his punishment to stay in the darkness for ever? This thought has never left him. Still, Karana kept reaching out for him and tried to pull him out. Was he allowed to take her offered hand and step into the light for the first time?

He looked over to Karana. She obviously felt comfortable in his presence. Her eyes were closed. Her hair was dancing in the wind, while she sang the song. Saeyoung smiled, but it was filthied with sadness and doubts. Was he allowed to be selfish? To be purified by her light?

Saeyoung did not notice, how Karana watched him. It was almost as if she was able to hear the questions running through his head.  She wanted to help him, but she did not know, if she barged in too much. It was his decision to make. All she could do was to make an offer.

~*~

After a while, the relaxation, which radiated from Karana, blew Saeyoung’s sorrows away. She was right. Today was not the day for sadness or pressure. He would not contaminate her decision to see the light within him. Therefore, he let the wind and her chant take it away. At least for today. It was her day after all.

During the rest of the ride they kept bickering around, amicably teasing each other. Their laughter filled the air. It took another three hours until they arrived their destination. Saeyoung left the road and made his car stop at a lonely place. A forest rested like a green ocean to their left and the wind made them sang their own song. Directly in front of the car was a cliff. Karana frowned and wondered, what Saeyoung had planned with his brilliant mind. He understood her in a way that no one else could. Saeyoung seemed satisfied about her confusion and smirked sincerely. He moved around the car and opened the door for her. Like she did figuratively to him, he did literally so. Karana smiled and took it. He pulled her out of the car.

“That is huge forest. Do you know the way?” She could not prevent her mouth asking that question. There were neither official nor visible paths.

“Do you trust me, Karana?” His golden eyes looked questioningly at her, curious about her answer.

“Of course, I do. You never gave me any reason not to,” she said without any hesitation. She squeezed his hand tight and smiled. Saeyoung relaxed and pulled her along until the forest swallowed them. It was quiet under the roof of the trees. It was a peacefulness that filled her hear. She enjoyed the warmth this feeling provided, while Saeyoung led her along. His red hair was the only thing standing out to the colours of the nature. It was like a beacon.

They did not need to walk long, tough. Soon, they broke out of the forest. They stood on another cliff, but this part was covered in grass. On their right was little pond on which a little duck family swan peacefully. In front of them rested a blanket, weighted with stones.

“A picnic?”

“Hmmhmm. I found this place not so long ago, when I felt restless. I found the illusion of piece here, although it was just for the blink of an eye. The view is beautiful from up here. Come.” Saeyoung guided her to blanket and sat her down gently. Karana had to admit, Saeyoung was right. Most mountains were not higher than 1600 feet, but this one overlooked them all. Karana did not know its name, but she did not care. Its broad chest offered a spectacular view over Seoul. The huge skyscrapers blended into a grey sea. At the horizon, she saw the faint shimmer of the Yellow Sea. Her eyes began to glisten at the sight. At least once, she was able to see her beloved ocean even if it was just from afar.

“Do you like it?”  His voice was soft, when he sat down next to her.

“Yes. The view is amazing.” She smiled gratefully. “Thank you, Sae.”

“This nickname still sounds strange to me. No one ever called me that.”

“I hope using it keeps a bit of Saeran in this world and within you.” His eyes widened in surprise, while his heart beat faster at the sound of his brothers’ name. “I might be foolish. You share this syllable with him and I hope, he experiences a bit of my kindness through it. Wherever he is, now.”

“Karana…,” he whispered with tears in his eyes. Saeyoung could not believe, how far her kindness reached. He had never noticed the hidden purpose behind this nickname. It was the most obvious for him after all. He had no idea, she intended to show kindness towards his dead brother as well. Even now, she cared for him. Her hands reached out to him. One cupped his cheek and gently wiped his tears away, while the other took his hand. How could anyone handle such compassion? How should he hold on? How could he possible ensure to make this a happy day? New tears welled in moon-coloured eyes. Saeyoung wanted to bite them down, but their might grew stronger.

“Shh…it’s okay,” she whispered comfortingly, while she leaned her forehead against his. “It’s okay to cry. You haven’t truly mourned yet. I am here for you, if you want to share it with me.”

Her words shocked him and his lips began to tremble. He did not want to. He was trained not to, but in her presence, he could not keep his composure. With every banter of them, she shredded off his carefully build wall. Saeyoung was not sure, if he could give this last bit away. But to resist against her offered feeling of kindness was hard. His heart wanted nothing else, but to accept her offer. His heart wanted to mourn and heal, but his mind was afraid. Should he allow her to get closer? He quit working for the agency, but there was still a potential danger. He did not want to pull her into the darkness again after all that she had been through. Was it stupid to wish that her light would not be polluted? He had not been able to conserve Saeran’s. No, it was not right to accept. At least not today.

Quickly, he wiped the tears out of his eyes and shook his head.

“No, I am sorry. This is supposed to be a happy day and not talking about such depressing stuff.” He clapped against his cheek until his smile appeared again. It was a perfect masquerade almost everyone could be fooled by. Karana could not. She frowned and it was like her gaze pierced right through his smile. It shattered immediately and left a confused expression behind.

“Sae…”, Karana said and her voice forced him to look up. She continued to stroke over his cheekbone and Saeyoung could not resist to lean into it. Her warmth was way too alluring to resist. “Please, listen to me. It’s okay, if you don’t want mourn, because you are not ready yet. But please, don’t deny it just because you think today is supposed to be happy.”

“But, Karana…” She squeezed his hand tighter and he fell silent.

“I’m happy as long as I can be your friend. If you need to talk about those things, then I’m happy to help you. You are my best friend.”

“Your…your best friend,” he stammered and his yellow eyes were as big as the moon. Karana smiled softly and understandingly.

“Yes, and therefore I am not interested in your mask. I like everything about you.” She raised their joined hands and leaned her forehead against them. “I am not interested in Luciel or 707. The only one I care about is Saeyoung.”

“Please, stop it,” he begged and the tears welled in his eyes again. He could not handle this friendliness.  It was too much. He could not endure it. She should not like him. He should not allow her to like him, but it was too late for that. When the first tears fell from his eyes, he knew it was over. His composure had waved him good-bye and left. “Please, don’t be kind anymore. I can’t handle it. I... I am afraid.”

“Come here…” Her tone was like a mother comforting her insecure child. Well, Saeyoung still was, because he never had a childhood. Gently, she cupped the back of his head and pressed it against her shoulder. Without him noticing it, his right hand clenched into the fabric of her blouson. Karana stroked through his hair and the soothing cause let his body shiver.

“I am…sorry,” was the last thing he whispered, before he broke. For the first time ever, he allowed his emotion to run free. All the pain caused to him broke out of him and he sobbed into her shoulder, while she hummed a soothing melody. Although it hurt, Saeyoung felt how it realising it was to finally deal with it. It was like he sat a storm free that had been raging inside him. Karana held him close and rocked him back and forth.

Saeyoung lost track of time. He had no idea, how long he had been crying the tears, he had been holding back for Saeran. Saeyoung knew it was foolish, but he hoped as long as he saved them, he would never truly be dead. That a slight chance for his return would remain. But he had to accept, that his brother was dead. He had not been able to save him, but still he was not doomed. He was not punished. As hard as it was to understand, the earth kept on turning. It did not get out of balance, because one part of it was missing. Even Saeyoung did not lose his right to life with his loss. There were other people, who cared for him and gave him a purpose to live.

Several minutes later, his eyes went dry. He sniffed and opened his eyes. His glasses were blurred due to his tears and his body still shivered. Karana still held his hand and rubbed it. With her other hand, she reached for her handbag and grabbed out a hanky. She smiled and took his glasses to carefully clean them.

“Karana…”

“I am here for you. No matter, what you need.” She gave him his glasses back.

“But your blouson… it’s wet.” That was an understatement. His tears had saturated her entire right shoulder.

“I don’t care. It’s gonna dry and it’s warm.” She shrugged and looked into his eyes, watching him closely. “How are you feeling?”

“I…I don’t know.” He rested his hand on his chest and closed his eyes. In this moment, he felt empty, but for the first time in forever, he was calm. He breathed out slowly and shuffled through his bangs. “It feels like hoovering… I don’t know, if I am going to fall or fly too high.”

“I think, it is going to be both. Healing and grieving are not a straight progress. There are going to be better and worse times.” To his surprise, Karana leaned forwards and kissed his forehead. No one had ever kissed him. “But in the end, it will be better.”

“I hope so…this emptiness is scaring.”

“I make sure you don’t fall back into this black hole again.”

“Another hand for you to hold and carrying the burden.”

“It does not feel like a burden to me. You did so much for me and I am glad, if I can give something back. Without you, Jihyun would be dead and I would likely be brainwashed. Thank you for everything, Saeyoung. Thank you for making me smile, thank you for rescuing Jihyun and me and afterwards taking care of everything. Otherwise, I would have fallen apart. Thank you for becoming my best friend.”

“Karana…” He closed his eyes and a small smile appeared on his face again. “Thank you for your kindness.”

“Come on, you prepared the picnic so carefully. Let us enjoy it.” Karana ruffled through his hair until the smile turned into laughing, but this time it was honest one. It was not covering a darkness and it felt good. The unknown feeling his chest seemed to be happiness. Who would have thought he might find it, even though his brother died? As hard as it might sound, maybe he needed to let him go so he was free enough to let joy in his heart.

While Saeyoung was thinking, Karana grabbed the basket and opened. She frowned and closed the lit, blinking several times.

“Uhm…Saeyoung, there are only Honey Buddha chips and Ph.D. Pepper in there.”

“Of course. What would be better for a picnic?” He chuckled at her confused expression and let himself fall back on the blanket. The sun had set and Seoul was the perfect reflection of the stars above them. Karana looked down at him and shook her head, before she rested next to him.

“I know, it is a huge honour that you share your favourite snacks with me, but I haven’t eaten probably and…” She tried to find a way to tell him that it was not an appropriate dish for a picnic, but suddenly, Saeyoung laughed out loud. Karana frowned in confusion.

“Bazinga!” On his face grew flashy grin, while he looked up at her. Karana’s face fall and she stared annoyingly at him.

“Okay, I leave aside that you just quoted Doctor Sheldon Cooper, but I should have known that’s a prank.”

“Well, not entirely. We have it as a dessert.” He grinned again and pressed a hidden button on the basket. With that, the tray with the snacks was lifted up and placed aside. Beneath it were several sandwiches, a fruit salad and naturally, there was her favourite chocolate. The basket had a false bottom.

“Okay, okay, you got me. Of course, you modified a damn picnic basket.” She chuckled and shook her head. The childish joy, she saw in his golden eyes were worth all her annoyance over his prank. “Is there anything in your inventory, that isn’t modified?”

“Nope,” he stated and proud lingered in his smile. “So, we have chicken, pepperoni, cheese and avocado. I had no idea, what you would like.”

“So, it is coincidence that there is my favourite chocolate in there? You didn’t pick up different variances of sandwiches to cover up that you know my favourite dishes?”

“You know me so well.” He grinned and pulled her down next to him. Karana squealed and laughed, when she landed on top of him.

“Landing on point. That is so anime cliché.” She turned her head to him and grinned teasingly. “The only thing missing is the booby grip.”

“Oh.” Saeyoung raised an eyebrow and smirked, sneaking his arm around her waist. “And what do you wanna suggest with that? Looking for another boy?”

This time, it was her turn to startle him. Rapidly, she turned around and kissed him on his cheek.

“Luv you, Sae.” Immediately, he turned bright red and covered his face with his hands. Karana smiled and grabbed a cheese sandwich and one with peperoni for him. When he finally dared to remove his hand, Karana held out the sandwich.

“You really got me back.”

“Wasn’t that the reason, why you like it? Because I put up a challenge for you?”

“You truly know me.” He chuckled and the plastic crackled, when he unpacked his sandwich. Karana smiled, laid back down next to him and started eating her sandwiches. The stars shone down on the two friends sharing their meal. Both of them very aware that their bond has deepened.

~*~

The moon rose, while Karana and Saeyoung spent their time together. When it grew chilly, Saeyoung got a blanket out of the car and both of them started to talk about the stars. Karana remembered about one of their first jokes, when he had suggested they should marry on a space station. Saeyoung always had the entire Wikipedia encyclopaedia in his head, but his knowledge of space was impressive. He explained other planets and their characteristics to her. He told her he had thought out fictional planets, when he was younger. A planet where he could have lived with his brother. He thought its history out and different alien races. He had done so to keep his brother distracted and made him smile. Saeran had loved all the tales, that Saeyoung had told him. Over the years, he had built up his own personal galaxy. Tears glistened in Saeyoung’s eyes, but next to sadness, there was also love for his brother in his voice. Karana asked him, if he liked to share some with her and so he did. The pictures he painted with his voice were incredible. It showed another side of him. Karana got enthralled with the adventures of the alien twins and what they had to endure on their home planet. She knew it was story of them, but it made it even more spectacular. When he finished, Karana slid closer and hugged him tight. Saeyoung closed his eyes and this time, he accepted her kindness.

Then, it was time to drive back. It was still four hours to go and the night was already growing old. Karana was concerned, if he was able to drive, although he did all-nighters almost every day. But today, he got to get up so early. Saeyoung smiled and assured he was fine. Sadly, Karana did not have such a stamina. At the very moment she took her seat in his car, she felt the exhaustion washing over her. To be honest, she had not slept much due to excitement. Her eyes kept falling close and her head fell to the side.

Saeyoung smiled over and gently stroked through her hair.

“Go to sleep, Karana. I’ll bring you…”, he stopped, because he almost said _home_. “…back.”

“I should stay awake,” she mumbled, but her eyes fell close again. He chuckled softly and he gently closed her eyes.

“Good night, Karana.” He started the engine and left for the street. Karana still fought, but it was clear, she was losing. An hour after they started driving back, Saeyoung noticed she had fallen asleep. Her chest rose and fall evenly and he could not prevent a soft smile. He reached out to the back and got a blanket, which he laid over her.

“Sleep well, my light bringer,” he whispered and drove them home.

~*~

Karana slept during the entire drive and Saeyoung made sure to not disturb her. It was already late at night and the stars shone peacefully down on them, making Karana’s glow in a cold, but intriguing way. She did not even wake up, when they arrived. Saeyoung turned off the engine and allowed himself to watch her for a moment.

“Hey, Karana, wake up.” He nudged her, but she did not wake up. “We’re there.”

Karana moaned and stirred. She did not want to wake from the alluring emptiness that sleep provided. She always had enjoy being asleep, because it kept the nightmares of the day away and ever since moving in with Jihyun, she slept better than ever. It was reassuring to have the person you love close to you- and their bed was not exactly big, so they had to snuggle into each other.

Still, something or someone shook at her. Even though it was simply black, she noticed the motion.

“Karana, wake up. I can’t carry you in. We haven’t married on the space station yet.” The soft laughter almost did not reach her in her slumber. Slowly, the darkness started to blur and her perception returned. A cold wind was stroking over her skin and the warmth seeped through the fabric on her shoulder. There was no turning back anymore. She could not collect the shattering pieces of emptiness back together. Ready to murder, whoever dared to wake her up, she opened her eyes. That intention was almost immediately forgotten, when she looked into the soft, golden eyes of Saeyoung. He smiled softly at her and it was a big contrast to his mocking tone:

“Hello there, sleeping beauty. I was just that close to kiss you awake.”

Karana blinked exhausted and stretched on the seat, once letting this remark slip. She was way too tired and relaxed to think of a respond anyway. She simply hummed and shrugged. Saeyoung chuckled and removed the blanket from her, noticing how adorable her yawns sounded. Her hair had sprung free from the ponytail, she had previously worn. There was not much left of it, the hair tie hanging loosely in the fine, brown hair.

“You’re lucky, I am too tired to be Maleficent. Being a dragon is way cooler than a princess, who hurt her finger on a spindle and slept for one hundred years.” She yawned again. “Tough, one hundred years sound perfect right now.”

Saeyoung chuckled and shook his head.

“I’m sorry, but sleeping in a car isn’t that comfortable. Trust me, I know.” Karana looked at him out of the corners of her eyes. Maybe she should ask, maybe she should not. Either way, she was too tired to care.

“I don’t know, if I am able to walk,” she admitted, because her body was still in sleeping numbness. Quickly, Saeyoung got out of the car and opened her door. Carefully, he undid the seatbelt for her and he was very glad it was dark and she was probably too tired to see his embarrassment.

“Saeyoung…,” she whispered and lifted her head.

“It’s okay,” he assured quickly. “I gonna help you.”

“Like you always do.”

“Like I always will- no matter how big the problem is.”

With Saeyoung’s help, she was able to get out of the car. He wrapped an arm around her and guided her to his house, which actually looked like a vault. Karana was tired to the bones and barely able to keep her eyes open. The sleep deprivation, her excitement and the long day finally taken its toll. Her mind was barely able to assess, what her senses provided. She only noticed, that his security system would have been envied by every sci-fi book. Voice and iris scan and then a computer voice asked him questions. Saeyoung answered in a language she could not recognise, even if she would have been awake. She guessed, it was Arabic. At least, the voice approved and one of the three vault doors opened. Karana looked impressed by the first, shook her head at the second and then rolled her eyes at the last one. It seemed exaggerative, tough, she had no idea, what his job for the agency had been like.

His flat- or however she was supposed to call it- was a single, but big room. Every corner was dedicated to one part of life. To her left was the corner for work with an impressive computer setup. There were at least six screens- all of them turned on. Several binary codes ran over them. If Karana would be awake, she would have wondered for what Saeyoung needed it, but in her current state, she did not care. His working space was higher than the rest of the room, so that Saeyoung could let himself fall into the bed without making any step. On the right side was the thoughtfully clean kitchen. Maybe, because he barely used it and to the very right was the corner, which served as a living room.

Karana fell down on the lounge and leaned her head back on the rest. She wanted nothing more than to snooze off again, but there was something she wanted to do first. She searched for her mobile phone in her coat pocket and send a message to Jihyun that they arrived at Saeyoung’s flat and that they had a lot of fun.

Just a few seconds, after she had hit the _send_ button, her phone buzzed and Jihyun’s smiling face appeared on the screen. Karana frowned and picked up the call.

“Hi, love,” she whispered. “Shouldn’t you be sleeping?”

“Hello, darling…” Jihyun chuckled, when he heard the muffled yawn from her. “It seems you should as well.”

“I slept during our drive back, but Saeyoung insisted, it wouldn’t be comfortable sleeping in a car, so he woke me up.”

“I’m so sorry, I was a gentleman,” Saeyoung shouted from the other side of the room, where he was rumbling through a drawer.

“I was already sleeping as well, but I woke up, when I heard your ringtone.” Her boyfriend continued, without reacting to Saeyoung’s objection. “It looked like you had a lot of fun in your selfie.”

Before the week had begun, Karana had noticed she had no photo with the other RFA members. They did not have the time for that. Therefore, she decided spontaneously, she was going to take a selfie with each of them on their day and to use it as her profile pic for the day. The selfie with Saeyoung was taken on the cliff, the stars and the lights of the city in their back. Both smiled widely into the camera.

“Oh, we had. He decided, it was finally time to have threesome with one of his babes. Just when I was about to lose hope.”

“Karana!” He screamed and immediately turned as red as his hair. Karana threw her head back and laughed loudly, while being incredibly proud of herself. It was hard to catch him on hop with a joke, but she obviously succeeded. Jihyun laughed along with her, his voice muffled through the phone.

“Was it good-looking?”

“Hmmhmm…,” she hummed happily, while playing along. “You have no idea.”

“I’m jealous. Maybe I should ask him to lend me one of his babes for a while.”

“Only, if I am able to join.”

“Would never do it without you. Wouldn’t make any fun otherwise.”

“Oh, don’t tempt me, love. Two of my three favourite boys and a hot car. That’s totally fantasy material.”

“They are _my_ babes,” Saeyoung protested.

“So possessive.” A soft chuckle escaped her and she laid her head on the arm rest. When she heard a snort from her friend, she grinned even wider and tilted her head over the armrest, until Saeyoung appeared upside-down in her sight. He glared annoyed at her, while holding a blanket and a pillow in his arms. His glare even intensified, when he saw her wide smile. Jihyun laughed on the other side of the line and she heard the rustling of their sheets. He likely rolled onto his side. “Interesting, that he’s disturbed by this and not that we’re actually talking about a foursome.”

“You’re awful, Karana.” Saeyoung turned bright red again and had buried his head into the pillow, he carried. “Stop corrupting Jihyun.”

“It’s way too late for that,” Karana responded calmly and winked at her friend. “Don’t you agree, darling?”

“Indeed.” Jihyun tried everything to cover his laugh on the other side, but she heard the breathless chuckle in the undertone. Karana loved the sound of his voice like that. He appeared to be happy and free of sorrows.

“He agreed, Saeyoung.” If glares could kill anyone, Karana would be dead by now. “Okay, okay, back to serious, before he’s exploding.”

“Karana!” She let it slip- for this time. She was not going to forget, tough. That was way too much fun, although she felt a little bad for Saeyoung, who obviously was embarrassed.

“How’s practise going, love?” The smug tone in her voice was replaced by a serious one. Jihyun sighed deeply on the other side and Karana was almost able to see, how he closed his eyes. “Not well, it seems.”

“Apparently,” he admitted and sounded utterly disappointed by himself. In front of her imaginary sight, Karana saw him right next to her- resting on his back. A sad glint turned his aquamarines dark, while he was staring at the ceiling. If she was with him, she would rest her head on his chest and listened to the beat of his heart, until he started to stroke through her hair. He was always talked about his emotions, when he started to stroke through her hair. “No matter how hard I try, love, I always fail. The conductor put a lot of hope in me and gave me a great chance, but I am messing up. It seems like I am not strong enough yet to handle the pressure.”

Jihyun stayed silent for a while, thinking about what to say next. Karana heard the well-known sound of him wetting his lips. It was a displacement activity he often used, when he was nervous.

“I wish, you were here.” Jihyun’s voice was almost not audible, but hid so much longing, it made her heart ache. Made her wish, she could teleport herself over and hug him.

“Ji…,” she whispered sadly. In the meanwhile, Saeyoung had crossed the room and had placed her beddings to her feet. Quietly, he sat down on the floor, resting his hands on the lounge beside her. The anger from mere moments ago had disappeared out of his moon-eyes. He looked as sad as her about the fact, how his surrogate big brother was still struggling. Well, it would have been a wonder, if he did not after all that was done to him. “Third page, again?”

“Yeah…” He sounded tiredly and frustrated at the same time. He had always been overcritical of himself. In his opinion, he was never good enough for anything. Karana threw a long gaze over to Saeyoung, silently communicating with him over their eyes. It was clear, he thought the same.

“I don’t know much about music or its theory…,” Karana began slowly, while the words were still forming in her head. “…so, it might not make any sense, but I think, you’re thinking too much.”

“What do you mean?”

“You put so much pressure on you to be perfect that you tense every time, when you almost reach that page. You think about not doing the same mistake again and then of course, you’re summoning it. I think, it would help you not to think, while playing. I am pretty sure, your body already knows, how to play it, but your mind is getting in the way. You need to clear your head and trust your instinct. The music and your body will guide you, because you _are_ talented, Jihyun. Otherwise the orchestra would not have chosen you out of hundreds of candidates. If you’re not able to trust in yourself, then trust in the judgement of your conductor. Otherwise, you’ll get caught in another cycle again.”

There was a silence, while Jihyun assessed her words. It was not uncomfortable, but Karana sensed how hard it was for her boyfriend to wrap his head around it. Karana truly wished, she would be able to wipe out those self-doubts, but it was a part of him and likely would never completely disappear. All she could do was to offer him an advice and to give him courage. Jihyun was often overruled by his head, worrying about things, which would never happen, if he had not worried about them. Jihyun tended to get stuck in other cycles over and over again and breaking out of them always took a lot of strength of him. Why could she not show him, how others saw him? Then, he might not be afraid of doing something wrong anymore. Although…no, it would put even more pressure on him to fulfil those expectations. He imputed others with those expectations. They were only existing in his head.

“I guess, you’re right,” he sighed, but she heard a little smile in his voice.  “I was just overbreeding again. It’s so quiet here, now that you’re not with me and my head tried to fill it with thoughts. I am not used to it be on my own.”

“And you’ll be fine, love, I assure you. You’re much stronger than you believe.” All three of them knew, they were not talking about that page anymore.

“How can you be so good to me and know me so well?”

“Because I love you and I _care about you_ ,” she said determined. Jihyun’s breath hitched, when the power of those words reached him.

“I love you, too. Thank you, Karana. I’ll try it.” He breathed out deeply and smiled again. Courage and confidence returned into his voice. He was going to try to keep on going, on becoming stronger. If he could not do it for himself, he would do it to make her proud of him. Although love was not about deserving each other, he wanted to become a person that deserved her.

“I’m glad. But, I think, we both should go to sleep. You need to be fit…” She looked at the clock and noticed, he needed to be up in five hours. “…later on, and I don’t want to fall asleep on my next hosts date.”

“You’re right. Tough, it will be strange to sleep without you.”

“I know. Since we’ve met each other, we haven’t been apart.” She smiled softly. “But we need to learn how to be.”

“Yeah…” His voice trailed off, but was soft, when it returned: “Good night, Karana. Sleep well. I love you.”

“Good night, Jihyun…”, she whispered. “I love and believe in you and I will, even, when you don’t.”

“I know.” Then, the line was dead. Karana sighed and put her smartphone on the coffee-table. Saeyoung looked at her with a deep expression in his eyes- thoughtful and heavy from his understanding for Jihyun. Maybe even worried, although he had not completely forgiven Jihyun.

“He carries a lot of scars,” he suddenly whispered, while he gently rolled out Karana’s blanket and covered her with it. He did not even try to convince her to take his bed. They had had this discussion on their way back already. Karana refused to throw him out of his own bed.

“We all do,” she agreed and cupped his cheek, when he tucked the blanket around her. “But they’ll fade away. It just takes a while.”

Saeyoung nodded. He knew, she also referred to him. For the blink of an eye, he covered her and aspirated a kiss against her palm, then looked down at her.

“I still need to work a little.” Saeyoung hesitated. “Would you mind, if I work here?”

His eyes wandered to the piece of floor right next to her. Karana looked up and shook her head.

“As long as you don’t mind that I’ll fall asleep soon.”

Saeyoung shook his head and hurried over to his desk. He gathered his laptop and returned. He sank down to the floor and leaned with his back right next to her. Karana smiled, reached out and gently stroked through his fire hair. Saeyoung blushed and lifted his shoulders, but started to type into his laptop. Karana tried to focus on his work, to understand what he was doing, but her eyes grew heavy again and she knew, she would lose the fight.

“Good night, Sae. Thank you for the day.” Slowly, her eyes drifted close again and soon enough, Karana was sleeping peacefully. Not so short afterwards, Saeyoung stopped typing and turned to her, while he closed his laptop. He simply sat there for a while and watched how calmly she was sleeping. It showed him, how much she trusted him and how comfortable she was. Her closeness did the same to him. His darkness was not that scaring anymore, when Karana was around.

Still, he had a bad conscious that made his stomach cramp. He knew it was stupid to blame Jihyun for Saeran’s death. It was Saeran’s own fault or maybe Rika’s to an extent. It was their fault that they had not been willing to take Karana’s offered hand. On the other hand, he needed someone, he could blame. Otherwise, it still hurt too much. But was it fair to blame the person, which meant the world to him once? Was it fair to blame Jihyun for Rika’s actions, although he had been abused by her as well? If Saeyoung was honest, he wanted to leave the scorn behind. It was over and there was no way his beloved brother would come back. But even though he felt torn towards Jihyun, he did not feel comfortable to be so close to his girlfriend without his knowing. He took his smartphone and shot a photo of them. Saeyoung hesitated for a moment, but then sent the photo to Jihyun.

_Jihyun, do you mind, if I borrow Karana’s warmth for a little while?_

His heart hammered in his throat. He wanted to rest his head next to her and maybe be able to sleep deeply, but he felt like he should not do it without Jihyun’s allowance. Likely, Jihyun was already asleep and would never…and there was his respond. Jihyun had developed ability to hear Saeyoung’s ringtone even if he was asleep, because it normally meant that something had happened.

_It is very kind of you to ask, Saeyoung, but don’t worry. I don’t mind. She definitely doesn’t and that’s all that matters. Good night, Saeyoung. Sleep tight._

Saeyoung hesitated, but then typed: _Sleep well…Jihyun._

Saeyoung looked over at Karana. She obviously loved him and believed that the side Saeyoung had seen in Jihyun for a long time, was not completely gone and he trusted her assessment more than his. Maybe true forgiveness was not completely out of reach.

_Just a moment_ , he thought, while he rested his head next to her. He would rest only for a moment and allow her warmth to comfort and calm him. Five minutes later, he had fallen asleep as well- for the first time in forever with a smile on his face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter. I, personally, love it. I think it is hard to guess that Saeyoung is one of my favs, right? :)


	5. Jaehee- friendship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for a girls day out :)

  1. Chapter Jaehee- Friendship



Jaehee awaited her in front of little, but comfortable looking café. Karana almost did not recognize her, because she did not wear her usual business costume. Instead, she had gone for almost pinkish tunica and tight, black trousers and sneakers. Her subtle make-up just highlighted her lips and hazel tone within her eyes. Karana smiled softly from the parking space at the other side of the street, in which Saeyoung had just rested his car. It had always been amazing to her, how Jaehee was able to look feminine even without make-up and with her hair cut short. Karana knew it had been a requirement from Jumin, when he had hired her, but Karana loved the edgy, yet soft look of her. When Karana’s father had almost killed her, the hospital crew needed to cut her hair short to be able to fix the fractured skull cap. Karana had hated, how her long hair had violently been taken away from her and from that day on, she was very aware to look after it. Her own self-confidence as a woman depended on her looks. She needed long hair, make up- not much tough-, womanly clothes and high heels. Jaehee did not. She was free off those stereotypes and managed not to lose her attractiveness. At least in Karana’s eyes and she really admired Jaehee for that, because Karana knew it was stupid to cling to those things.

Saeyoung and Karana got out of the car, the door falling soundly shut. The pavement was filled with people being busy. Most of them in business suits, wearing cases, talking into their smartphones or drinking out of a to-go cup. The street was busy, hectic kind living those days had become. There was no time for slowing down and enjoying the moment. Moments lost their preciousness, because they flew by. No one of the civils looked up or noticed anything that happened. Normally, Jaehee was one of them, but not for today and suddenly, time around her seemed to go on slower. She smiled over to them.

Karana looked left and right until she was able to cross the street. Jaehee’s smile grew wider with every step Karana took, while Saeyoung followed her. Jaehee’s smile grew wider and both girls hugged each other tight without hesitation. Although they had only met in person once, it felt like they knew each other for ever. Both of them had always been cheering for the other and they helped to ease their minds.

“It’s so good to see you,” Karana whispered and Jaehee squeezed her tighter.

“I am so glad, we finally got the chances for our girls’ day.”

“The boys really kept us on our toes, right?” Karana chuckled softly and her eyes glinted with joy. Her eyes wandered to shop sign that almost looked like a wonderful decorated brownie. _Grandma’s living room_ , it said. It promised comfort, wonderful warm drinks and nice talks. It sounded perfect.

“They did indeed.” Jaehee chuckled light-heartedly and turned to Saeyoung. “Thank you for bringing her here, Saeyoung.”

Overexaggerated, Saeyoung bowed in front of her and said with his most charming smile:

“It was a pleasure, my Lady.”

“And now, you’re messing with me.” Jaehee pursued her lips.

“Don’t mind him, he’s still pouting, because he was at the receiving end yesterday.”

“Really?” She frowned and looked back and forth between Saeyoung and Karana. She chuckled and nodded as a confirmation. Glee was shining in her eyes, while Saeyoung’s mouth twitched. “You have to tell me about it.”

“I will, but first of all…” Karana turned back to Jaehee and took her hands. “You look absolutely stunning, Jaehee.”

A crimson red crept onto her cheek and she ducked her head.

“I have to agree, Jaehee. Pink suits you.” Saeyoung smiled encouragingly at her. “Anyway, I have to go. Surprisingly, a toy business is not running on its own. Have a nice day.”

“Saeyoung, wait.” Karana grabbed him by the shoulder, when he was about to turn around. He stopped within his movement and looked back at her. Karana hugged him tight and pressed a soft kiss against his cheek. “Thank you for the day. I enjoyed it very much. See you on Saturday.”

Her words eased the slight pain of good-bye in his heart. Saeyoung had enjoyed the time as well, actually more than he admitted to himself and foolishly, he wished she would stay forever. Saeyoung kissed her forehead and lingered there for a final moment. Even this loving gesture, something Korea still looked upon, but no one took notice.

“Good-bye, Karana. Thank you for spending the day with me. See you on Saturday.” He wished Jaehee good-bye as well and then drove off. Karana looked after him for a few moments, but then turned back to the only other female member of the RFA.

“I am glad, you had a great day with Saeyoung.”

“I had indeed, but now, it’s your time.” Karana turned around and smiled warmly at Jaehee.

~*~

 _Grandmother’s living room_ was exactly, how the name promised. The sweet scent of pies and coffee filled the warm air. A fire crackled in its place, with two armchairs resting in front of it. The furniture was carved out of dark wood, decorated with floral engravings and covered in purple red and mint green velvet. In one corner of the room stood an old, massive clock, which was not running anymore.

It was not busy in the little room, but the few visitors talked busily with each other. In this tiny, special place, time slowed down and the humans were free of any stress.

“It’s so comfy…,” Karana whispered in amazement, while she looked around. Immediately, Karana took in the atmosphere. Ever since she was young, she had longed for this. This feeling of coming home and being welcome. She had never been welcomed anywhere else despite the RFA. Was it not kind of sad the first time she was experiencing it, was an artificial illusion of a business model? Well, the whole within her was too big to be picky. She would take, what she could get.

“I found it during my research for the coffee project. I try to come here from time to time. You’ve been very busy lately, so I thought, you would like to slow down a little.”

Just when Karana was about to agree, they were greeted by an elderly waitress with a welcoming smile. The greying hair of her was tied back into a bun and her hazelnut-coloured eyes shone warmly. She looked like the grandmother Karana never had. Karana never got to know any other member of her family. How envious she had been, when all of her classmates talked about their weekend at their grandparents’ house. All Karana had wished for was one day like this, where everything was all right. In her dystopian home harmony seemed like the unreachable dream, although she was aware, that perfect harmony was an illusion as well.

With an elegant, opening gesture the waitress showed them their place. It was in a corner directly next to the fireplace and a bit away from the other customers. Instead of chairs, the table was surrounded by four armchairs covered in fine, brown leather. Karana took a seat with direct view to the peacefully crackling fire. Although Karana had always loved the water and the ocean, she cannot deny how nice the fire felt, its comfortable fire dancing on her skin.

The waitress- her name was Myung-sook according to her sign- offered the leather-bound menu, then she bowed and left.

Jaehee watched for a while, how Karana relaxed visibly, yet a twinge of melancholy darkened her eyes. It was this glint in her eyes, which made Jaehee believe she had made the right choice for their day. It was an illusion, true, but this place offered something, Karana had never been able to experience.

“I figured, you’ve never been able to meet any of your relatives. You weren’t able to experience a peaceful day at your grandparent’s home. There had been no warm welcome smiles, when you walked through the door, no “oh dear, you’ve grown so much”, no wonderful, delicious meals or pies and no secretly given money at the end of the day. I am aware, it’s not the same, but…”

“Jaehee, stop…”, Karana whispered. She looked back up and tears shone in her eyes, while her voice broke. “You are right. Thank you.”

Honest gratefulness was in every word spoken and it was something Jaehee liked about Karana. She was always honest in her emotions and was never afraid to express them.

“Dears, it is so nice you came for a visit.” Myung-sook had appeared silently and smiled warmly. “What can I offer you?”

“I…actually have no idea about coffee. Jaehee, could you recommend something for me?”

“I thought, you would never ask.” She grinned and it was the first time Karana saw her grinning. She loved this bright expression on her face. Coffee was a topic she obviously loved and cared about and that boosted her self-confidant. “A Jamaican Blue Mountain and a St. Helen Mountain. And for cake, an apple pie and a chocolate dream, please.”

“My pleasure.” The waitress bowed. “I’ll be right back.”

“Jaehee, those are incredibly expensive, I can’t…” Karana shook her head, when she looked into the menu and saw the prices.

“Don’t you worry. It’s my treat, of course. Believe me, they are worth it. The Jamaican Blue Mountain grows slowly due to the climate in the mountains of Jamaica, but that intensives the taste. It is very mild, but fruity and therefore suitable for people, who don’t drink coffee often. I think, you’ll like it and it fits perfectly with the pleasant acidity of the apple-pie. The coffee St. Helen Mountain has a very balanced taste with a slight chocolate note. Perfect for my chocolaty sin.” Jaehee readjusted her glasses casually, while Karana looked at her in astonishment.

“That was incredible, Jaehee. Your knowledge of coffee is amazing.” At the sound of the praise, Jaehee’s confidence disappeared and she blushed slightly.

“It is nothing extraordinary,” she denied her words, although they reached her heart and made it flutter. Just as Karana, she was not used to it.

“What’s extraordinary is different to everyone and it’s not just coffee. You obviously love it and that is wonderful. I love the gaze in your eyes. They shine brightly and you smile brightly. It’s sad, the coffee project was cancelled because of the intelligence unit. I am sorry.”

“What? Karana, no!” Jaehee startled and looked at her with wide eyes. Karana’s edges of her mouth turned down. She blamed herself for the cancellation although she had nothing to do with it. Quickly, Jaehee covered her hand with hers. “Don’t blame yourself. Rescuing Jihyun and you were way more important.”

Karana looked at their join hands and she felt a tingling warmth wandering through her fingertips and arm, causing goosebump on her skin. Karana closed her eyes and bowed her head, allowing herself to appreciate it for a few. Jaehee’s fingers felt soft against her skin, their tips twitching lightly on Karana’s hand. Kindness lingered in this little, yet sensitive gesture, anchoring her in reality, when she was about to sink in self-shame. Jaehee and she had always shared a strong connection as the only two female members of the RFA and it had only grown stronger with every chat. Jaehee had taken strength from Karana’s cheerful words, when it felt like the stress became too much. So many nights, when she had been in the department of the intelligence unit, it had been the thought of saving Jihyun and Karana that kept Jaehee going. Despite she had been very resentful towards Karana at the beginning, Karana had always been kind to her. Jaehee wanted to be same to her. She wanted to be kind to her so that Karana understood, what she had done for all of them. Maybe, it would help her a little and Jaehee would be happy with just that.

“You are right,” she whispered, when she had gained enough energy from Jaehee’s compassion to fight off her inner devil. “It’s still sad, because you enjoyed it so much.”

“Oh well.” Jaehee dissolved her hand and leaned back into her armchair, while shrugging. “It got me a good friend in the end and that’s much better than coffee.”

“Jaehee…” Karana looked back up at her and greeted by a warm smile and gentle eyes.

In this moment, Myung-sook came back, while carrying a tray with two sets of beautiful porcelain cups and plate. Carefully, Myung-sook placed Karana’s plate and cup down and then Jaehee’s. The two visitors smiled at the waitress and smiled gratefully at her. Myung-sook smiled even wider and wished them good hunger, before leaving for another couple at the other side of the coffee-

The sweet flavour of the apple pie danced through the air. Together with the smell of cocoa from Jaehee’s chocolate pie, it created a very unique scent. A scent awakening the feeling of coming home and being greeted by smiling faces and open arms. It felt welcoming and kind towards Karana, like if the molecules of it tried to hug her tight and soothe her from any negative feelings.

Attentively, Karana took the fragile cup and turned it around in her hand. It looked like one would imagine the cups at a grandmother’s home. The white porcelain shone purely, while being framed by beautiful, blue lilies, whose stem circled the entire cup. The coffee smelled fresher than the pie, with a hidden note of raspberries in it. Karana closed her eyes and breathed it in. Although it was likely just a mental cognition, it felt like the was standing on one of those mountains in the Caribbean, where the beans were harvested. She smelled the wind, which carried the salty scent of the sea and the clearness of the mountains. It made her calm and tucked a smile onto her face, while the warmth of the cup seeped through her and made her muscle relax.

“Smells well, doesn’t it?” Jaehee had watched how Karana’s expression had changed. The surprise and deeply hidden sadness in her aquamarines had disappeared and her iris became soft and clear like a sea in spring.

“Indeed.” Karana looked back up and smiled, before taking her first, careful sip of the liquid, once called brown gold. To her surprise, it really was mild. Normally, Karana found coffee quite bitter and could only drink it with a lot of milk, but the Jamaican blue had no bitterness at all. It was rather smooth and the raspberries where even hidden in the flavour. Karana slurped contently, after she had swallowed it and Jaehee appeared to be content with herself. “Oh my gosh, it’s delicious.”

“I know, right?” Jaehee chuckled happily, when Karana showed the reaction she had hoped for. Karana looked back at her and Jaehee was stunned. She had rarely seen Karana smile, but the bright one on her full lips and the joyful shone in her eyes made the young woman in front of her incredibly beautiful. In this moment her own heart started to race and she understood, why Jihyun had fallen for her. Her smile had such a positive energy, it made Jaehee believe she was capable of achieving anything she wished for. It was exaggerative, but it felt eternal to her. Being faced with such a joy, no one was able to have bad thoughts. There was something, Rika’s aura had to an extent, but Karana’s kind warmth was much stronger and addictive in a way. Jaehee was glad to have a friend, that could wipe away any bad mood with a few, simple words or a smile.

“That’s an understatement,” Karana said, while taking another, deeper sip. The warmth flowed down her oesophagus and pooled in her stomach, making her feel lighter. Jaehee drank from her own coffee. The St. Helen coffee was one of the most expensive, especially in Korea, because it had to be imported from the other side of the world, but Jaehee thought it was worth it. The chocolate note tickled her tongue and she was not able to think of anything else than her appreciation for the coffee. It made everything slow down around them like time was finally back to the pace it should be. She had been surprised herself about this effect, but it had been a welcome one. “I don’t think, I’ll ever be able to drink ordinary coffee again.”

Karana leaned back with her cup and watched the fire crackling for a while. Even though it was eating the wood currently, it provided a feeling of safety, while its light danced around her face and hair, creating a dance of light and shadow just like her own life had been.

“That’s exactly what I hoped these days to be like,” she continued. “A quiet, calm day with my friends. Nothing extraordinary, just enjoying each other company…,”

She looked up at Jaehee and when their eyes met, it felt like their bond deepened. Karana almost believe, she could touch it between them.

“The selfie looked like Saeyoung had taken you out for a ride.”

“Yeah. We had a picnic in the mountains.” Her gaze drifted off, when the pictures of yesterday appeared. “It was a wonderful day. Tough, I guess, it didn’t go like he had planned, but it feels like we are closer, now.”

Jaehee opened her mouth to ask what happened, but then decided that this only belonged to them. Instead she smiled and said:

“I am glad you loved your day.”

“I love every minute I can spend with one of you. It feels like I finally found my home, my family.” Her voice made these words sound so big and they were. Jaehee knew that too well from her own experience. No one with a past like Karana would call their parents family. Only the definition of the word forced them into calling themselves that. Therefore, the social connected meaning of the word became an idol. Something desirable. Victims of domestic violence only got to know hell and they longed desperately for what was sold as family, even if it was just a tiny piece. Of course, none family was harmonic and had their own problem, but for those, who were endangered in their own, felt like this was a sacrilege.

“I think you did,” Jaehee agreed. “It might sound cheesy, but it feels like you were the missing puzzle piece- at least for me, but I think it goes for all of us. You helped us to become better versions of ourselves and to understand each other better. I mean, you made Hyun realise Jumin only tried to help him, while Jumin understood, how Hyun wanted to achieve everything on his own. And Yoosung was finally able to get rid of his scorn among Jihyun. It was understandable, but his picture of Rika became too holy after her death.”

“Those left behind often start to idolize those who are dead. The bad habits were forgotten.”

“You are right.” Jaehee took a piece of her chocolate cake, which was still moist on the inside. It almost squished and the liquid chocolate flooded her mouth. The full taste of chocolate was something Jaehee has always loved. In this matter, she was a true girl, but it was the only thing. So, what was supposed to be the topic on a girl’s day? “So, how is everything going?”

“As good as it could be, I suppose.” Karana’s words came slowly. It had been a long, emotional ride the past two years with a lot of up and downs. The question sounded simple, but the answer contained so much to be put in a few, simple words. Karana wondered, how she was able to summarize two years into a few minutes. Her fingers drummed against the porcelain, making the surface of the coffee shivering as if it was afraid. “It took Jihyun a long time to get better. The physio was hard and he felt even more useless and dependant than ever. I had to take a lot of care oh him. He was so weak and fragile and he hated it. Next to the fact he still had remnants of the drug in his system, which made him even more depressed than he normally would be.”

“That’s not what I meant, Karana,” she interrupted her softly and sighed deeply, while shaking her head. “I meant, how is your relationship? How are _you_? Not every question asked to you is about Jihyun. You’re not his plus one. I think you know, he would hate it that you think that way.”

Karana blinked several times and then laughed hoarsely. Jaehee had hit a point.

“You’re right,” she admitted and drank another sip of her coffee. “You’re just the first ones asking me, how’s it going. I am just used that someone else is meant by that question.”

“Jumin told us. We haven’t noticed, we were only asking about Jihyun and not about you. We were all quite upset. We’ve been lousy friends.”

“No, you weren’t.” Karana looked back up to her and shook dismissively her head. “Not at all.”

Jaehee watched Karana, while the blue eyes of the young woman stared into the fire without realising it. Karana stayed silent for around a minute, trying to figure out how she was- not just on the surface, but also deep inside her. It was not easy for her to feel what was hidden in the depths of her soul. As good as she was in recognizing the needs of others, she was as bad at perceiving her own.

“Everything is fine, Jaehee,” Karana said reassuringly and smiled. “Of course, we fight from time to time, but that’s how it is. I mean, we’re two individuals, next to being a couple. Sure, we have different opinions on things, but all in all, we are happy. I’m happy. It took some time, until we found our rhythm, but afterwards, we work well. Jihyun takes great care of me and makes to find time for dates. Due to my work, I’m at home most of the time and therefore get cabin fever from time to time. In general, we enjoy every piece of time, we’re able to spend together. We had been in hell together and enjoy having a peaceful time.”

“I’m glad.” Jaehee smiled as well and drank another sip of coffee, but then she leaned forward curiously. “How did you become a couple? I mean, you weren’t, when you moved in together.”

Karana chuckled softly and ran a finger through his hair, gently swirling a strand between her forefinger. She was not wrong about it. Jihyun and her had been extraordinary and irregular in every aspect and took the completely wrong order. They had lived together, without being roommates or being a couple.

“Hmm,” Karana mumbled, while looking thoughtfully onto the colourful wallpaper. The steam of her coffee tickled her nose and she drank a sip. “It’s not easy to determine an exact point, when we became a couple. It was a rather fluent development. I mean, if I look back, there was something going on between us right from the start.”

“Yeah, you had a natural chemistry together.”

“It’s nice to hear that.” She smiled flattered. “We were actual pretty close from the point we moved in together. I mean, we only have one bed due to the tininess of our flat. Jihyun wanted to sleep on the couch and at first, he did, but we soon realised it was not practical. He was suffering more from the drug and the traumatic events than we both expected. He had nightmares and anxiety attacks. The only thing I could do to help him, was hugging him until he relaxed again and fell asleep in my arms. So, soon we slept together in the same bed, but nothing romantical happened. The only physical contact was to help him fight off his depression.”

“I had no idea it was that hard,” Jaehee whispered in surprise. Of course, Jihyun had appeared fragile. He had just come down from the overdose of that drug and been released from hospital, but there had been no hints his condition was that bad. He had appeared rather relieved that it was finally over. Tough, now that Jaehee thought about it, there had been a dull, sad glance in his eyes. This made her even gladder that Karana had been with him. Otherwise, they still could have lost Jihyun. He was such a self-sacrificing character and it was likely that his feeling of guilt would have eaten him up.

“Yeah, he didn’t want you to know.” Karana sighed heavily and for the blink of an eye, the exhaustion that had this time had causes, was visible on her face. “It took me a great deal to make him understand that he was just about doing it all over again. I mean, the entire mess with Rika only started, because he didn’t want you to see the bad sides of her.”

She sighed heavily again and put the cup back soundful. For a moment, silence fell upon them. That was not the direction Jaehee had intended this talk to take. How were they suppose to come back to a light-hearted talk between friends? Well, maybe they were beyond this shallow way of conversation. For that, they had been through too much and although Karana was aware Jaehee felt uncomfortable about that, she actually enjoyed it being able to speak about those things.

“Well, but that’s okay. Not that Jihyun felt that way, but it would have been strange, if we started of lovey-dovey after _that_.” She closed her eyes and ate half of her apple pie at once. The fire spluttered, when a log of wood fell down, as if the fire was angry with their story. “At least, we had our rock bottom already. We made it through it and that means, we can make it out of everything. That is rather encouraging.”

She raised her head and smiled, combing her fingers through her fine hair until it untangled. Jaehee looked rather surprised, but the longer she thought about it, the more sense made it.

“You have a point there,” she admitted, while she swirled the spoon through her coffee. “It can only get better from there.”

“Hmmhmm,” Karana agreed. “Well, the first time, we realised and acted upon being a couple, was when Jihyun was accepted into the orchestra.”

She chuckled softly, blushed and ducked her head. Jaehee leaned forward and rested her head on her hands.

“What happened?”

“He came back home and for the first time, I saw a bright smile on his face, any traces of sadness hidden in his eyes. He came to me, swirled me around and he _laughed._ He laughed so happily, it made my heart race and I had to laugh with him, while he let me down again and hugged me close. He told me, he was engaged by the orchestra. I congratulated him, laughed again, while leaning his head against mine. We were so close, it made my heart stutter. I could feel his breath dancing over my skin and the warmth radiating from him. It felt right. So cheesy it might sound, it felt like this was, where I belonged. Like this was the place, where everything came together. Suddenly, he was even closer and we kissed.”

Even thinking back to it made her heart flutter and she blushed in a sweet, crimson tone. She remembered, how the endorphins rushed through her veins and made her stomach twist in excitement.

“I was so happy, nervous, excited. All at the same time, like a fast turning storm in stomach. I know, the analogue was used way too often, but it actually felt like butterflies. In this moment, I knew I loved him. I never thought about it beforehand, because I knew, it would be too early for him and I respected that. When we dissolved, he whispered _I love you_. It came totally out of the blue. I stared at him in surprise, hell, even Jihyun was surprised. He only realised himself, what he had said. He was as red as I and we both chuckled embarrassed. I felt, how his fingers twitched on my hips. I knew, he was nervous about my reaction, but I was just happy and all I could think of, was _finally_.” She laughed happily and shook her head, smiling lovingly. Jaehee smiled softly. “He looked away ashamed, the blush burning on his cheekbones. He wanted to apologise, but I cupped his cheek and silenced him with another kiss. I tried to pour everything I felt into this kiss, because I didn’t want him to regret it or to have any doubts. When we dissolved, I said to him that I love him, too.”

“I have to admit, I’m a bit jealous. That sounds so cute.” Jaehee still smiled. “I’m glad you found each other. I think, you are good for one another. I haven’t seen Jihyun much after what happened, but he seems freer and happier than before. Even during this illusion with Rika, he hasn’t got things straightened out with himself.”

Jaehee saw how Karana flinched at the sound of her name. She frowned and tilted her head in wonder. Karana just noticed her reaction and cursed under her breath. Why was she not able to let this topic go? Jihyun loved her, why was that not enough? Why did she felt like she had to compete with Rika?

“Karana,” Jaehee asked carefully. “What’s wrong?”

Karana was about beginning to dismiss it, when she stopped and sighed. Jaehee was her friend and she was not supposed to be hiding such things from her. She noticed that something was bothering her and dismissing it would make her doubt her ability to assess her. That was not the right thing to do. Karana sighed again, then lowered her head.

“It’s nonsense, Jaehee, I know that. It’s just…” She stopped for a moment and searched for the right words to express it. “I don’t like someone mentioning Rika’s name.”

Jaehee frowned in confusion for a moment, but then she seemed to get why.

“You feel like you need to compete with her.”

“That, too,” Karana admitted. “But it’s more like…being compared to her. I get it. I have some similar character traits to her, but I’m not her. It makes me feel like I am just a replacement, because she was gone and her ghost is still haunting us. Even I myself are not able to accept that every relationship is different. I wonder myself, if ours is as good as theirs. She said to me once, during a phone call, you would always choose her, when she asked it of you and I would be alone again. If you chose me, when you would be confronted with both of us.”

“But we all did, Karana,” Jaehee said with a serious expression on her face. Karana looked up and blinked several times in confusion. Jaehee looked at her pointedly over her glasses. Her gaze was sharp and made her lower her head in guilt, but immediately, Jaehee’s expression softened and she placed her hand over Karana’s. “We all had to decide, if we follow her path of darkness, or yours of light. We could’ve gone to mint-eye, but we all decided to stay with Jihyun and you.”

She squeezed Karan’s hand and smiled warmly at her. It was a smile full of kindness, which Karana probably showed them often.

“You’re right…,” she said quietly and squeezed back.

“We don’t like you, because you’re similar to Rika. Actually, you’re not. She only ever smiled to cover her flaws and tried everything to make us smile, because that was, how it was supposed to her. She never really listened to our problems or even tried to solve them. She was more the _don’t think about it_ kind of friend. According to her, all we needed was to smile again. You, on the other hand, are calm and always tried to encourage us. That did not always mean making us smile again.” Jaehee breathed out deeply, after speaking these words faster than usual. “We like you for your sensibility, your way with words, your kindness, your helpfulness, your courage, your wits and humour. You’re amazing, Karana. I understand, where these thoughts are coming from. Have you talked about it with Jihyun?”

“Yes, on Sunday that’s why I am thinking so often about it. I wouldn’t keep such things from him. I don’t want to do the same to him like Rika did. No masks anymore, no illusions.” She sighed tiredly. “He said the same things. That he would choose me above Rika, but it’s so hard for me to believe.”

 “Well, then it’s our time to do something for you and prove.” Jaehee squeezed her hand one last time and eased back in her armchair. “It probably not a solution, but it still screams for another piece of cake, don’t you think?”

Karana chuckled softly and nodded. The determination in Jaehee’s words cheering her up. Jaehee smiled and waved the waitress back to the table to order a new round of coffee and cakes for both of them. Afterwards, they were back to usual chitchat about everything and nothing. The depressing mood was lifted off them by every word spoken and by every piece of cake. Jaehee talked about one of Hyun’s musical performances and Karana about one of the latest books she had edited. When the afternoon turned into evening, both left happily the café- not without Jaehee giving a great tip to Myung-sook-, before walking through the shopping mile, watching for new outfits.

Late the evening, they returned to Jaehee’s nice, modern apartment. They changed into their pyjamas and lounged around on Jaehee’s bed with some cups of tea. They were reading in magazines, laughing, gossiping and even watching one of Hyun’s performances on DVD- Karana had never seen one before. Jaehee hummed happily along with it and Karana loved to see how eased up and relaxed she was. At one point, no one could determine when, both of them had fallen asleep, the magazines fallen onto the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed the chapter :) Next friendship is devided into two parts, because it became too long (I still could have been going on :D) So, yeah, see ya next Saturday :) Have a great weekend.


	6. Jumin- understanding Part One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jumin wants to spoil Karana, but that offers way more problems than he would have ever expected.

  1. Chapter Jumin- Understanding Part one



Jumin was the next in line- not just about for the position as CEO, but also for this week. Karana knew from the moment Jaehee led her to the C & R headquarter. It was an impressive building in the shape of a rocket. Was there anything about this company that was not impressive? Their reputation, their volume in sales, Jumin, Jaehee and the building. Everything was extraordinary. To be honest, Karana was a little nervous. Jumin was always up for the best, but that often ended up with extravagant. How else should it be, when money was never important? But Karana felt uncomfortable about it. She never had much money and the thought of what he might have planned made her stomach twist. Jumin had already told her that she was special to him. What would a man with everything offer her on a day on which he can spoil her?

“No need to be nervous, Karana.”, Jaehee said next to her. Karana startled and blushed.

“Was it that obvious?”

“I know you.” She smiled and her glasses glistened in the sunlight. “You hate it, when you are standing in the centre of attention and let us be honest, Jumin is always the centre of attention. Therefore, you will be as well.”

“Great…”, Karana mumbled and bit her lip.

“But Jumin has changed. He truly cares about you and spend a lot of time thinking about, what you would like. He’s not going to force his idea on you.”

“I’m sure, he made you plan it.”

“No, he did not.” Karana stopped and looked at her in surprise. Jaehee chuckled. “He knows, you would feel uncomfortable with something too extravagant. Despite, he knew you would be mad, if I got more work, because of you.”

“Jaehee…”

“Jumin is aware that this day is about you and you know how much of a perfectionist he is.”

“That’s scaring me a little. He will go all out on it,” Karana exclaimed and gestured wildly with her hands. Jaehee rested a hand on her shoulder and squeezed.

“No, he won’t. I know him for a long time and he was very thoughtful.”

“Okay…” Karana took a deep breath and smiled. “So, I assume he’s still at work?”

“Jumin intended to take the entire day off and to pick up at my place, but sadly, there was an emergency. He needs to participate in one meeting, but then, he’s done.” Jaehee took her hand and gently pulled her to the entrance. The receptionist smiled knowingly at Jaehee and handed Karana a visitor sign. Karana held the little square in her hand and then clipped it onto her dress. Jaehee waited at the bars that separated the entrée from the rest of the company. Karana smiled and hurried over, trying not to run into any of the busy looking workers and then left for the elevators.

~*~

Jumin’s office was in the top level of the building. Karana’s eyes widen in amazement, when she walked the floor with the glassy walls. The other skyscrapers of Seoul laid underneath them. In this moment Karana felt small, although she was high above. All of her friends of the RFA were extraordinary. Jihyun was talented in every aspect of art. He was able to shoot amazing photographs, his paintings were amazing and he played several instruments. Jumin was leading a multi-million company and Jaehee was a very skilful assistant. Saeyoung was likely the best hacker in South Korea and a great inventor. Hyun was a very talented musical actor, whose popularity was skyrocketing at the moment. Yoosung finished his study of veterinary medicine in record time and as one of the best. Currently, he was working in an animal hospital, but wanted to open his own for shelter animals soon.

And she? She had been an average employee in an average company and right now, she was not even that. Right now, she tried her best to become an average editor. It felt like the others ran ahead of her and she had difficulties keeping their pace. Yes, she had a great emotional intelligence, but what else did she have to offer? Damn, she hated those self-doubts her father had implemented in her. She clenched her hands tight until her knuckles turned white.

“Karana?” A deep voice appeared from the other side of the floor. Karana turned around. In the door of an office stood Jumin in his typical appearance. The perfect pine-stripe shirt without any wrinkles. An elegant black vest and suits combined with a purple tie. His black hair shone in the artificial light of the lamps. His dark eyes looked at her curiously, but also concerned. It was like he had sensed the thoughts she had.

“Jumin…”, she whispered and she began to smile. His eyes became soft, when Karana hurried over to him. Right in front of him, she stopped and looked shyly away. She wanted to hug him, but did not know, if she could in his office. “Hi.”

Jumin smiled.

“It’s good to see you under better circumstances.” With these words, he pulled her into his arms. Karana startled for a moment, but then relaxed and returned his embrace.

“Yes, it’s good to see you.”, she whispered against his shoulder and closed her eyes.

“I am sorry for the inconvenience of coming here, Karana. I am afraid there was an urgent matter that couldn’t be rescheduled.”, Jumin said apologetically, when they dissolved.

“It is fine, Jumin.” She shook her head and smiled reassuringly. “It’s not inconvenient and I was always curious of how your headquarters look like. I have to admit, I am impressed.”

Jumin studied her for a moment, his dark eyes searching for any hint, if it was a lie. When he found none, he sighed again and looked grateful at her.

“Thank you for your understanding.” In his old habit Jumin tilted his head.

“Is your meeting finished, Mr. Han?” Jaehee had stayed in the background to give them some time, but she stepped up to them. The heels of her shoes clang on the floor.

“Yes, it just ended, but sadly, there is still one matter left, I need to take care of.” Jumin sighed exhausted and pinched his eyebrows in frustration. For a brief moment, Jumin’s trained body language disappeared and the tension was visible. “Such an annoyance. I definitely need my aspirin.”

Karana’s heart sank at those words and she lowered her head in sadness. When Jumin was not able to hide his frustration, he must be very stressed. Normally, no one would ever notice it. Just now, Karana felt bad to ask of him to stay away from the office for an entire day.

“Jumin,” she said carefully and looked back up. “We don’t have to spend the day together, if it’s too much trouble.”

“What? Why?” The black-haired man blinked in confusion and looked at her. Jumin frowned, when he saw the sadness in her eyes and tilted his head.

“Mr. Han…you just said aloud, that it is such an annoyance.”, Jaehee explained and pushed her glasses back up her nose. Jumin frown deepened, but just realised, how Karana must have taken his word. Karana was the kind of woman, who never wanted to be a burden. She never wanted to cause any trouble, even if she was not the reason. Just a gaze at her confirmed it. Karana was the definition of sadness and shame. Her head and shoulders were lowered, her lips pressed together until they were only a thin line and she wrung her hands in anxiety. In this moment, Jumin felt bad for his improvidence. Something like that should not happen, especially not today. She was not supposed to be sad- at least for today.

“Karana...”, he said softly and rested one of his hands on her shoulder. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it and it is not your fault.”

Carefully, Karana looked back up at him and he smiled softly at her.

“It’s just my father’s current girlfriend. She has a new business idea and my father buried himself in it. I have to take of the rest.”

“Thought so…”, Karana whispered and hugged herself. “There must be so much work. If it’s too inconvenient for you, we can cancel today or reschedule it. I don’t want you to stress yourself out, because of me. I don’t mind.”

“Yes, you do. I can see it in your eyes, but you are far too considerate to ever express it.” Jumin sighed again, but his gentle smile remained. He truly adored her for how understanding and considerate she was. He ruffled through her hair until she squealed and tried to save her carefully braided hair. Jaehee chuckled softly about the picture. “The truth is, I want to spend the day with you, that’s why I’m annoyed.”

“Jumin…”

“Assistant Kang…” Jumin looked at Jaehee. “I know you have a lot do with the balance of the fashion department and the intelligence unit, but can I ask of you to keep Karana company for another hour? I should be able to wrap everything up until then.”

“Of course, Mr. Han,” Jaehee answered and bowed. “Maybe, I could show her around.”

“That’s a good idea.” He hesitated for a moment, but then breathed out heavily. “Thank you.”

Karana looked at him in surprise and then to Jaehee, who simply smiled. It seemed like it was not the first time, he asked friendly. Jumin truly had changed and Karana was happy about it.

“Well then, I better get going. I see you later, Karana, Assistant Kang.” He smiled briefly, then walked past them and headed for the elevator. Karana gazed after him for a while and then turned back to Jaehee.

“He…asked of you,” Karana repeated confused. Jaehee chuckled amusedly and nodded.

“Yeah, it got much better after you talked sense into him. It is still a lot of work, but Mr. Han is aware of it and make sure, if possible, that I do not need to do all-nighters.”

“Wow…that’s…. I mean, I’m happy for you.” Around one year ago, Jaehee had a very rough time with a huge work-load. She started to doubt, if this job was the right one for her. Karana remembered, how she had called Jumin and had had a long conversation with him in which she had tried to make him understand he could not treat Jaehee that way. It took quite a while to get through him, but in the end, her arguments had convinced him. Jumin had understood, he needed to show her, how much he valued her as his assistant and that asking friendly could increase the motivation. Jaehee and Jumin even started to call each other by their first names in their free-time.

“Thanks to you, I like my job, now.” Jaehee smiled. “You always know, how to talk to him.”

“That’s great, Jaehee. I am so glad.” Karana hugged her briefly and Jaehee returned it.

“Well, come along. Time to show you our world.”

~*~

An hour later, Karana and Jaehee sat in Jumin’s big office at the head of the floor. It had windows on the entire backside and a desk Karana was jealous of. She would love to have such a desk for work, tough, their living room was not big enough for it to fit in. His office was almost as big as their entire flat. Jaehee sat in one of the chairs in front of the desk, a cup of coffee in her hand, while she read through some files. Karana stood in front a big book-shelf on the right side of his office and looked in awe over the spine of the books. Some were rare or first editions.

A few minutes later, Jumin entered his office, while carrying several files, which he tossed onto his desk soundly. He sighed and immediately loosened his tie as if it was trying to strangle him. For a brief moment, he braced himself on the table and rubbed his eyebrows. Karana threw a worried gaze to Jaehee. Jumin was normally a master of poker face. That he displayed exhaustion openly meant either he was exhausted beyond compare or he trusted them enough to show his vulnerability.

“Jumin…,” Karana whispered concerned and walked up to him. Gently, she placed a hand on his arm. “I really think, we should cancel today. You look utterly tired and I am worried. I think, you should better rest today.”

“Karana…” Jumin looked up at her and smiled gently, but the tiredness still lingered in it. “Thank you for worrying, but there is no need. It’s nothing, I am not used to.”

“Jumin…” Karana just realised once again, how much pressure rested on his shoulder. Her heart clenched and could not prevent to feel bad for him.

 “I can take care of me, Karana.” He saw how Karana lowered her head. Obviously, she thought he was angry with her. Jaehee harrumphed to point out how insensible he was. Jumin looked down at her and gently ruffled through her hair again. Karana grumbled and straightened her bangs. When she looked up, Jaehee and Jumin were smiling at her. “But I appreciate your concern.”

“Jaehee, I have one last thing to ask of you.” The gaze of Jaehee threw at her boss was annoyed, but it was only the surface. She also wanted to make sure that Jumin got out of here.

“What can I do?”

“Could you bring those files to my father? He would like to get them from me, but I am afraid, I would never get out of here, if I do.”

Jaehee frowned and took a look at the files that Jumin had just slammed on his desk.

“Of course, I can, but I am sure your father wouldn’t be pleased and I am going to get stuffed up.”

“I know.” Jumin exhaled and stood in place for a while, wrangling if he should go or not. “Still, could you do it? Just tell him, I ordered you to do so, he won’t be mad with you and I am going to explain to him tomorrow.”

Jaehee weighed her head from side to side, while progressing the pro and contra arguments. In the end, she sighed and took the files from desk.

“Okay, I will do it, but only so that Karana’s day is not ruined.”, Jaehee said, although her face told it was only on the surface. She was loyal towards Jumin. “And I await that you explain everything tomorrow.”

“I will. Thank you, Jaehee.” Both women looked surprised to the future CEO of C & R. It had not been a mistake that he had called Jaehee by her first name in the office. He likely did, because no one was around and to show how important the favour was. Jaehee even blushed a little, while Jumin turned around to Karana. “Are you ready to go?”

“Yes, I am.” Karana went to Jaehee and hugged her. “Thank you, Jaehee. For yesterday and for helping us. I hope the rest of the week goes well. See you on Saturday.”

Jaehee hugged her close as well.

“Have a good day and rest of the week. See you on Saturday.”

“Good-bye, Jaehee. See you tomorrow.”

~*~

To say that Jumin’s penthouse was luxurious was an understatement par excellence. Every corner of it screamed elegant, modern luxury. He had the fines furniture, the best view. Everything was clinical perfect. Karana had the impression, if she touched something, it would disappear like a dream. Somehow, the perfection almost seemed fragile. Like it was a stereotype, an idea of perfection. Well, and she felt out of place. Jumin had left for the guest room to make sure her luggage was stored. Karana sat on the ridiculous huge lounge with a cup of coffee in her hand and she felt lonely. She could not even imagine how expensive this penthouse must have been and therefore, she was afraid to break something. She should not cause any more trouble. The nervousness within her rose. Karana still had no idea what Jumin had planned and when she looked at his apartment, her fantasy went to the most extravagant things.

Elizabeth rested in her bed in the opposite corner of the room. Her fur glistened like fresh snow in the sunlight. Her azure eyes watched Karana sceptically, while her tail twitched from one side to the other. She had not decided yet, how to assess the intruder. Well, it could have gone worse, Karana supposed. Still, it increased her feeling to be out of place.

“Everything is set up.” Jumin returned into the living, while shrugging off his jacket and vest and hang them over one of the chairs. Elizabeth turned her head towards her owner and mewed friendly. Jumin smiled softly and patted her head.

“Good.”, was all Karana could say, while she held onto her cup.

“Are you alright?” Jumin frowned and sat down next to her. “That’s not the tone of voice you normally have.”

“No, no, I am good.”

“Karana…somehow, I get the impression you don’t _want_ to spend the day with me.” These words and the disappointment in his voice woke her from the paralysation of uncertainty. When she looked up, she saw even those emotions crystal clear in his dark eyes. She had hurt him and the power of this raw emotion made her startle.

“Jumin, that’s not true.”

“Then, why did you insist so often that we should cancel it?”

“I am so sorry, if I made that impression. I was just concerned that it would put more stress on you.” Her blue eyes glistened apologetically at him. “I know how tight your schedule is and how much effort it would take to take a day off.”

“That’s true, but you are forgetting something important.” Jumin raised his forefinger and looked like one of those strict teachers in school. Karana blinked and looked up at him. His dark eyes had a gentle expression, which he barely showed to anyone else. An expression that showed Karana how much he truly cared for her. He grabbed her chin and carefully lifted it up until she could not avoid his gaze anymore. “It’s no stress for me, because I _want_ to spend time with you.”

Karana’s eyes widened and she blushed. Jumin chuckled softly and let her go. In this moment, Karana noticed how nice it sounded. Normally, he never showed any emotions and it made Karana happy, he was able relax, when she was around. At least she thought so, although it was always hard to guess with Jumin. It was hard for her to believe that someone truly liked her.

In this moment, Elizabeth came to her rescue. She stood up from her bed, stretched and trotted over to them. Elegantly, she jumped on the lounge and sneaked up on Karana. Karana looked to the cat and carefully lifted her hand to not startle her. Elizabeth sniffed at her finger, but then approved of Karana. She mewed softly and bumped her head into Karana’s hand. Karana widened her eyes in surprise, but then stroked through the soft fur of the Persian cat. Elizabeth purred happily and decided she would take Karana’s lap as her bed.

“And if I haven’t known you’re a good person, that would be the proof. Elizabeth the 3rd has an excellent taste.” Jumin laid back and watched how Karana stroked his cat. Even now, it is visible she wanted to do everything right. He hated her father for teaching her, she could never do something right. He hoped that his plan was going to work. She deserved to be free of those doubts- at least for today.

Karana looked ashamedly up and tried to smile, but it faltered. Just like Saeyoung, she was not able to handle praise. It embarrassed her. Hopefully, he could show her how precious she was. His plan would either be perfect or a catastrophe. As always Jumin was up for the extreme.

“So, Jumin…,” she started quietly and deliberately avoided his gaze. The fingers of her left hand drummed on her knee, while the other stroked absently through the white fur of Elizabeth. The cat had relaxed in her lap and purred loudly. “I have to admit, I am curious. What have you planned?”

“Well, the first step is in vein due to complications at work,” he said angrily, his eyes becoming narrow. “I wanted to pick you up and go for a shopping trip. We would look for a nice dress, maybe even had one tailored, or whatever else you like. Sadly, we don’t have the time to go shopping, because we wouldn’t make it in time for the reservation I made. It’s one of the best restaurants in Seoul. But here is a mall as well, although it is limited and not high-quality. How about going downstairs and you choose a dress? Afterwards, you can go to a make-up artist to get your hair and make-up done and then…”

Karana’s heart began to beat faster and she swallowed. That was exactly, what she had expected and had been afraid of. Jumin’s tone was professional, like he was holding a meeting, but his eyes shone with joy. She felt that his plans were overwhelming her, how uncomfortable she was beginning to feel. Being in the centre of attention was something she hated, because it had never meant something good for her. But how could she possibly explain that to Jumin? He had good intention, she was aware of that. He wanted to spoil her, because that was how he had learned to show appreciation. He wanted to wipe out her bad memories by giving her everything she wished for. That this was not her intention for today never crossed his mind. How could it? Spending money was equal to taking care for him. So, no matter how she was going to express her feelings, he would be hurt. She did not want to hurt him, not now, when he started to open up.

She bit her lip, while Jumin continued to explaining his plans. Then, he noticed that Karana did not show the reaction, he had hoped for. He wanted a bright smile on her face and eyes glistening like sapphires.

“Karana?” Jumin turned to her and looked confused.

“That sounds like a wonderful plan and I thank you for your effort…” Her voice trailed off and she nervously licked her lips. How could she explain it to him?

“But,” he asked. His voice gave no hit, if she had irritated or hurt him, but she was sure, she had.

“I appreciate the intention, Jumin, but…” She flinched and it showed how hard it was for her to speak about it. To hurt human was causing her physical pain. “…it’s too much.”

“Too much? How? I mean, it’s not like we’re flying abroad…like I originally planned.”

“There we go…” Karana sighed and rubbed her forehead.

“Jumin, you are a good friend of mine…to be honest, Saeyoung and you are my best friends. But we live in different worlds. I know, it’s not your fault being born with a silver spoon, but all this richness is overwhelming me. We hardly had enough money for food. The amount of money you are going to spend for all of this…is too much for a single day. I can understand and appreciate you want to spoil me…to make me forget my past, if just for a day. I am aware that you were educated that appreciation is measured by how much money is spent, but I don’t feel comfortable with it. It’s too much attention for me. It…it makes me anxious, to be honest.”

She bit her lower lip in embarrassment and her fingers started scratching on her arm. Suddenly, Jumin’s big, but soft hand covered hers and prevented her from scratching her arm.

“I had no idea it would stress you out that much.” Jumin’s voice dropped in sadness and became quieter with every word. He was hurt and likely felt rejected.

“I know, and your plan was not wrong. Most women would love it, but I am not normal. Actually, I would prefer to just spend time with you, but I can understand that you would not be content with it. That you have to do something special with me…”

She opened her eyes and looked up at him.

“Therefore, I have a compromise, I would like to suggest.”

“What compromise would that be?”

“I have my own dress with me and would like to do my hair and make-up. Would you be fine, if I ask of you, to donate the money which you would have spent for a dress and the make-up artist to a charity for victims of domestic violence? Tough, I am not sure, if my dress is appropriated for the restaurant. You need to assess that.”

Jumin looked at her in surprise, but then he chuckled and shook his head. When he looked back at her, there was no sign of disapproval on his elegant face.

“You should be a diplomat, Karana. That’s a clever comprise.”

“So, you agree?”

“Yes, I agree. It’s a great idea.” Oh, dear God, she looked so surprised. How much had her father damaged her, so she could not believe, she actually had a good idea. Since she had talked about her past, her self-confident was gone. She was willing to show them her scars and wounds. Maybe, deep within her, she hoped they would help her to heal.

Jumin watched her close. There she was. Trusting him enough to show him her own uncertainty. Karana, who had seemed to be invincible, when all others were falling apart, allowed herself to be human and to lean on others.

Elizabeth looked up at her and gently pumped her hand, encouraging her to go on stroking her. Karana looked down at the lovely cat. Elizabeth returned the gaze through her sapphire eyes. The endless appreciation of a pet shining through them.

“Come on, show me your dress,” he said encouragingly. Karana blinked and returned out of her thoughts. Jumin smiled at her and was so different from how he normally was, but he wanted to cheer her up. Maybe, she had not felt valuable until now, but she was going to. His closest friend is not supposed to be sad as long as he could prevent it.

Karana nodded, but then looked down at Elizabeth.

“But how do I get up? When I do not learn to disapparate immediately, I have to disturb Elizabeth.”

“Disapparate?”

“Harry Potter reference. Doesn’t matter.”

“Oh well, let me help you.” He picked his cat up and carefully cradled her into his lap. Elizabeth snuggled into him and immediately fell asleep.

Karana got up and hurried into the guest room. Her heart pounded loudly against her chest. Jihyun had brought it for her, but she wondered, if it was fancy enough. Oh, to whom was she lying? She was afraid of making a fool out of Jumin. Reputation and appearance were everything that counted in high society and she knew nothing about it. Absolutely nothing. She was going to embarrass him. Well, Jumin likely would not care, but she did not want this to happen. She opened her suitcase and took out the red, lacey dress. Would that be enough? Would she be enough? Karana was afraid of his judgement.

She returned to the living room and stopped, holding the dress against her body.

“Is this good enough?” _Was she good enough_? Jumin looked at her thoughtfully and his eyes wandered up and down and Karana wondered, if he was able to understand her silent question. It was hard to guess, what he was thinking. Why did she feel naked?

“It’s beautiful.” Jumin smiled softly. “Approved.”

Karana breathed out in relief and she did not notice, how Jumin frowned.

“Okay, I make myself ready. Give me half an hour, okay?”

~*~

_The empress’ crown_ … The restaurant truly made its name justice. Karana’s mouth hung open, when it came closer. Right in the middle of all those skyscrapers was a building from another time. It was built like an ancient, Chinese palace with crimson roofs and extravagant palisades. Was everything of today supposed to make her feel small? Jumin sat next to her, his head resting on his fist, while he watched her. He and the restaurant were the definition of elegance. She gulped nervously and clenched her hands into her red dress.

“No need to worry,” Jumin said casually and he did not even look at her. Karana was glad he made no big deal out of it. It meant it was not worth being ashamed of. “We always have a private room. You don’t need to stress yourself out.”

Karana looked over at him, gratefulness in her blue eyes. Jumin showed no visible reaction, letting her know, that there was no need to make a fuss out of it. Jumin once told her, she was the only one being able to understand, but it seemed like Jumin had a natural feeling for her too. 

The car stopped and an average looking, middle age man- driver Kim- opened the door. Carefully, Karana got out stroked her dress even. Her pinned up hair danced in the wind, when she looked up at the _empress’ crown_ and immediately felt, like she had fallen out of time. Right in the middle of the present, the time had stopped and a little piece of the past remained. Just like within her. She had left her past behind and lived happily in the present, but the past could never be truly forgotten. It always stayed inside the soul in a place untouched of time.

She waited for Jumin to walk around the car. The heir of one of the biggest companies of South Korea was unaware of her thoughts. He simply stopped beside her and offered his arm to her. Surprised, Karana looked up at him and Jumin smiled. Was it right to feel safe, when he smiled? Jihyun’s felt soft and tender to her, Saeyoung’s smile always made her laugh, but Jumin’s made her feel safe. Probably, because he smiled rarely and only did, when everything was alright. Karana returned it and her heart began to beat stronger with every second, the nervousness in her bones disappearing. She took his silent invitation and walked with him into the past. Both of them had no idea, the most embarrassing part awaited them  in the future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter comes next Saturday as usual, but I don't know, if I am able to keep the rhythm afterwards. My cat is likely put to sleep next week and I haven't started the next character yet. I will update as soon as I can.
> 
> Have a nice weekend you all :)


	7. Jumin- understanding Part 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The restaurant visit out quite differently than they expected.

It was as impressive on the inside as it was on the outside. The public, dining room was built like a zen garden. Several, little streams running in water veins through the room, supposed to cause a good Feng Shui for the guests. The quiet gurgle of the water comforting and it almost sounded like a song. Karana took a deep breath, when they entered and suddenly wished, she would own a kimono- or a miko robe. Though, it was a relief to see that most people were dressed like her. She saw gowns and suits, pinned up hair and beautiful jewellery. Every guest had money and loved showing it. Everyone, who would care to watch her close, would see she did not belong here. They would see her dress was not as expensive as theirs, the pearls around her neck were fake, but for her luck  no one cared. Not as long as Jumin was by her side. He was shining so brightly and confidently, that her falsehood was hidden in his shadow.

“You’re trembling,” Jumin whispered and gently touched her elbow with his other hand.

“Am I? I didn’t notice.”

“It’s fine.” He watched her out of the corners of his dark eyes and she knew he did this for her. If he turned his head, the guests would notice. Like this, no one would notice her anxiety. Reassuringly, he squeezed her elbow. “I suppose for those unknown to it, it can be unsettling. Trust me. I’ll make sure, you’re not making a fool out of you.”

The words said, he would take care of it for this situation, but the heaviness in his voice suggested, he meant he always was going to make sure of it. No matter which unknown situation may lay ahead of her, Jumin would always be there for an advice. The corners of Karana’s mouth twitched up gratefully and she squeezed his arm in return. Gently, he tugged her along and lead her to their private room.

Half an hour later, Karana kneeled on a pillow on the floor, just like in Japan, and ate a traditional Korean dish, whose name she had never heard of. The dough with the savoury filling made the waters in her mouth flow, when she swallowed. Karana started to enjoy this place. It seemed like time went slower in here. It was like an escape out of the hectic of the 21’st century and she understood, why Jumin liked it. She watched the Koi in the pond next to them, how they lazily swam through the water, their scales blurring into different patterns of colour.

Jumin sat relaxed across the table. He had loosened his tie and shrugged of his jacket. He looked at her, his brows furrowed thoughtfully. At least Karana was smiling again, though she seemed far away.

“Thank you, Jumin,” she whispered as if she had heard his thoughts. “It is lovely here.”

She turned her head to him and smiled so widely and happily at him that he blushed. He was barely confronted with such honest joy. Jumin could not remember, when had been the last time he was embarrassed. He could not even remember, _if_ he had ever been embarrassed. It was not like that he was in love with _her_ , but he was with this kind of smile and the feeling it offered him. He finally was able to understand, why his best friend had fallen for her. How reassuring it must be, when you were struggling, desperately trying to keep on walking and then you look around and meet such a warm smile. The feeling was soft and warm, erasing the numbness within him, even more than Elizabeth could. Her smiled tucked at him until he did the same.

“I’m glad,” he answered honestly and drank from his tea. “That’s what it was all about.”

Karana turned until her back rested against the table and she lazily stretched out her legs. She grabbed another piece of dumpling with the chopsticks and ate it.

“I should have never doubted you,” she chuckled and Jumin laughed along with her.

“No, you should’ve known better.”

“Oh, here you are.” Karana startled, when a foreign voice appeared from the paravane. She turned around and saw a middle-aged man with black hair. Only a few grey strands entwined within it. He wore a black suit and a long, brown coat over it. His dark eyes watched them thoughtfully. Karana was not sure, if he was referring to Jumin or to both of them. She looked back to her companion. Jumin seemed to know the man. At least he had not given up his relaxed position. He only looked at him, no emotion showing on his fine face. It was like he was waiting for the man’s move. When it did not happen and the man only smiled knowingly, Jumin sighed and ruffled through his hair.

“What do you want, father,” he asked and Karana took in a deep breath. So that was Jumin’s father. Mister Han, the CEO of C & R. Now, that she knew, she could see the similarities between father and son. Mister Han tilted his head slightly and his smile grew a little wider.

“Am I interrupting you?”

“Yes,” Jumin stated unemotionally and crossed his arms. He still waited and it appeared to be a common game between them. Karana shifted uncomfortably, because it seemed like they ignored her.

“I wondered, why my son would block an entire day to be off work. It’s the first time that ever happened,” Mr. Han went on. His eyes fixed his son and deep wrinkles appeared on his forehead. “I would never expect him to finally have a date.”

Karana jumped and her entire face became bright red. Her heart pounded loudly in her ears and she prayed, Jumin was going to correct him, but he stayed silent instead. Why? Why was Jumin saying nothing? Was there any hidden purpose of Mr. Han spying on them? Karana looked to Jumin, who slightly raised his hand to stop her from asking, while his eyes stayed focused on his father.

“Is that your way of revenge, because I sent Assistant Kang with the file?”

“Revenge is a hard word, son. It only made me curious. You normally never decline, when I ask something of you.”

“Well, like you’re able to see, I had another appointment, I needed to oblige.”

“I do indeed.” Mister Han hummed approvingly and rested his chin in his hand. “Don’t you want to introduce your girlfriend?”

Jumin stood up and evened his trousers. Casually, he held out his hand to help Karana up, who had turned from pink to deep red. What kind of game was going on between them? Why did Jumin keep playing along? Was he hoping for something? What the hell was the purpose from both of them? In the end, Karana remembered, what Jumin had just said. He would never allow anything to embarrass her. She just needed to trust him and she did. She always did. Carefully, she took his hand and he helped her back on her feet.

“Father, I would like to introduce Karana Cho to you. She’s Jihyun’s girlfriend, a member of Rika’s founding association and a very close friend of mine.” Jumin smiled gently and touched her hand in the slightest way possible. His father, on the other hand, seemed rather disappointed. The hidden, smug expression disappeared from his face and he frowned.

“Jihyun’s girlfriend…,” he repeated and breathed out, lowering his shoulder.

“It…it’s a pleasure to meet you, Mister Han,” Karana said quickly and held out her hand. Mister Han looked up and watched her close, but took her hand and shook it.

“I apologise, if I behaved impolite…I had just _hoped_ …” His voice trailed off into nothingness. He sighed again and Karana knew, what he hoped for. Mister Han had always been desperately seeking for love, she at least thought so, because of what Jumin had told her. Mister Han never noticed that this quest made his son go for the opposite direction.

“It’s fine,” she responded immediately and let the hand go. “I understand, how it must have looked like.”

Silence fell onto them like a heavy blanket. Karana felt the hope in Mr. Han shattering and she felt Jumin’s annoyance of his father’s wish. Her throat became tight and her mouth dry. She did not know what to say right now.

“Father, do you intent to stay any longer? If so, then why don’t you have a seat?” Jumin sighed deeply and pointed to one of the pillows. Mister Han seemed to be confused for a moment, although he did not show it. His dark eyes narrowed for a blink of an eye. Meanwhile Jumin turned around to her. “Would this be okay for you?”

Karana hesitated for a moment. It did not feel like a question to her, although she knew, Jumin would ask of his father to leave, if she asked him to. Tough, Karana knew what his father meant to him, so it felt utterly rude to her to deny it. Or did Jumin try to make him go without hurting him any further than he already did? Was Karana supposed to say, she would mind? If she should, then Jumin was playing against high odds. Even though she might be sensible enough to get, what was going on, she would never be that selfish to say no. Or was it a strange Jumin-way to make her express her wishes? What the hell did he intent with it? Was it too much to ask for to find at least a hint to the answer in his eyes? Why did he have to be Mr. Poker-face? With Yoosung, she would know immediately, what he was looking for.

“No, of course not,” she said with her most charming smile, although she did not feel completely comfortable. On the other hand, Jumin was her best friend and normally, you were supposed to know the parents of your best friends, right? Why not use the chance, while given? It was not like social obligations gave her much of a choice anyway. It might at least make her understand Jumin better. She looked at her friend, trying to find out, if it was the correct answer. If Jumin was surprised, he did not give it away.

Mister Han was just the same. Whether he was surprised or not, Karana could not tell. She did not know him well enough to read his micro expressions and somehow, she found it quite difficult to find a connection and therefore knowing naturally, what was going on. The Hans were quite extraordinary. She had to give them credit for that.

“Thank you for your invitation,” he said and sit down gracefully. Karana looked unnoticeably to Jumin. Jumin’s dark eyes narrowed just the tiniest bit and he seemed…frustrated? She was not sure. Annoyed maybe? At least, it looked like he was fighting against sighing.

“I had no idea Jihyun had found a new girlfriend after what happened to poor Rika,” his father began chatting in happy tone. It took Karana all of her self-control to prevent her body from flinching or startling. She was aware that Mister Han did not know it any better, but his careless words still hurt. For her luck, Jumin noticed the tension of her muscles. With slow movements, while making sure his father did not notice, he entwined his fingertips with Karana’s and squeezed them. Karana had the urge to look up at her friend, but she was sure it would only gain Mister Han’s interest. Jumin covered the act with gently pulling her back down to the floor. Karana sat down and pulled her legs up to her body.

“We…” Karana stopped and frowned. It was probably not the best way to start, so she chose her words again. Mister Han’s eyes watched her closely and that was not any helpful. Her mouth dried instantly. “Jihyun told me, she committed suicide. It truly was tragic.”

Jumin turned his head and looked at her. Other than his father, he did not miss the bitter undertone in her sweet voice. She almost perfectly blended it as sadness, but Jumin knew, how her compassionate sadness sounded like. She even had had it for Rika in the beginning, but the more Rika had tried to manipulate and allure Karana, the more resistant she had become. Karana noticed instinctively, she had been a weapon to her. Still, she tried to conceive the reputation of Rika, although she had caused nothing but tragedy for Karana. Jumin was not completely sure, if she was this kind or so in love with Jihyun that she did not want to pollute his former lover.

Mister Han nodded sadly and Jumin felt that Karana was still tense. He regretted not to send his father away. Now, he had exposed her to an uncomfortable situation, where she had to talk sweetly about someone, she did not like, maybe even hated. Tough, Karana likely was too kind and understanding for hatred.  For her, every word must feel like a lie and she would hate herself for it.

“For me, it seemed like they were meant to be. Actually, I was pretty concerned about him after her tragical passing.”

”You make it sound like it was an accident. So let me point it out again: Rika has committed _suicide_. It was not a tragic incident. She _wanted_ to end her life,” Jumin said with a hard tone in his voice.

“Jumin…” His father’s eyes widened in surprise. “How do you talk about your friend?”

“I'm only speaking the truth and I don’t like how you’re talking about Jihyun’s past girlfriend, while speaking to his current one.”

Jumin hated to say _current_ , because he knew it would hurt her. It sounded like she truly was just an replacement and he knew from Jaehee that she was still afraid of that. He felt her jump through their connected fingertips and he reassuringly squeezed her hand again.

“I am not very experienced in matters of love, father, but I am pretty that is something you shouldn’t do. How is she supposed to feel, now?”

“You are right.” He sighed and looked at Karana. “I apologise. It must have been difficult.”

“Every relationship has its own difficulties. We had the shadow of his past hanging above us. I knew, what I was settling myself in for.” Karana closed her eyes for a moment and rested her left hand above her heart. “But I loved him so much, I was willing to fight against this darkness.”

“If I am allowed to ask, how did you get to know each other?” Jumin’s father tilted his head. “I am curious, I have to admit.”

Karana sighed inwardly as her thoughts ran wild. She was supposed to answer, right? What was she supposed to answer to that? Jihyun and her had rarely been out on dates or had made any new friends, therefore there had been no need to come up with a story. She bit her bottom lip and nervously played with one strand of hair. Why did she feel her stomach twist? Likely, because she could not assess Jumin’s father. She had heard quite a few things about him from Jumin and Jihyun, but it did not seem to correlate completely to the man sitting in front of her and smiling gently. On the other hand, he _was_ the CEO of one of South Korea’s biggest companies. It was very likely, he was at least as sharp as his son, therefore, she had to choose her words cautiously and Jumin was not able to help her. It was hers to react. It was one of those situations she had been afraid of all day. Tough, this felt even worse. Almost like a test, as if she was worthy to be friends with Jumin. She needed to show that they were close, but not as close as they actually were, otherwise Mister Han would _hope_ again. She would never do this to Jumin.

“It was not as spectacular as you might think, now, Mister Han. I did not find him crying on park bench and showed him a purpose in life again. I was not a _saviour_.” Only Jumin understood, why she emphasised that. “I was working in the H&R department of a plastic fabricant. One day, my company held an event and a co-worker was able to hire Jihyun as a photographer. I was one of the volunteers, who coordinated the event. That happened around half a year after Rika’s suicide. I noticed his sadness and how deep in thoughts he was and I asked him, if he was alright. I think, he was waiting for someone to ask that. He tried to ensure me first, that he was fine, but when I didn’t buy it, he admitted, he had a rough time. I offered him a glass of wine and an open ear. That’s how we got to know each other.”

Who would have guessed her job would come in handy like that? She was rather surprised herself, how easily that lie came out of her mouth. Well, it was a good one. It had enough truth within it to make it believable. She saw it as thinking out another story, though Karana hated creating another secret. Jumin took a sip from his sake and watched Karana out of the corner of his eyes.

“He declined with a sad smile, tough. We met a few times afterwards in order to prepare the event. I can’t really describe it, but we kinda had an instant connection, although we barely talked on a personal level. It was a comfortable cooperation and I started to wonder, what had made those beautiful turquoise eyes sad.” Karana fell quiet for a few moments, while she stared at the paravan. It should appear like she was thinking back to that time, although she was thinking out how to continue the story.

“After the event, there was an after-party for the stuff. Some female co-workers invited Jihyun as well and he was too polite to decline. I noticed, how uncomfortable he felt with all those women trying to hit on him, but I didn’t want to barge in. He just looked at me from time to time, while they kept on talking to him. He looked helpless to me. I remember, how I smiled encouragingly and it seemed to help. At least, a little smile twitched around his mouth, although it only led to the woman talking even more.”

The water she drank cooled her throat. Was it wrong, she started to fell in love with this got-to-know story, although it was a lie? Was it wrong to wish she would have got to known Jihyun like that? To feel the love slowly blossoming between them like in those kitschy love movies? To feel the tingle of excitement at those little gestures? To long for an origin full of little, uncertain smiles, blushes and hidden gazes? Was it wrong wanting for something more normal than a story of hostage, brainwash and attempted murder?

“At some point, they seemed to be too disappointed or tired. I don’t know. At least, they left and Jihyun stood there and only watched everybody else dancing. I excused to my friends and leant against the pile next to him. We stood like that for a while, without any of us saying something. He seemed to be relieved that I wasn’t trying to force him into a conversation. After several minutes passed, I said the offer for wine and open ear was still up. He chuckled tiredly and accepted the wine. In the end, he just told me again, he had a rough time. He didn’t mention Rika or her death then. That took a much longer time.”

Jumin’s father frowned as if he did not like of the story. It almost looked like he disapproved. How could he? It was a lie, true, but he did not know that. Was the story not romantic enough? What did he expect? More drama? More epic? Well, she was not a writer and she was terribly sorry, she could not think out a story worth a Pulitzer Prize.

Karana did not want to do him injustice, but she started to dislike Mister Han. Tough, she tried to find an explanation, because she liked Jumin so much. For a moment, she looked over to her friend, while his father was oblivious to her thoughts. Jumin returned her gaze and there was an apology hidden within those grey eyes.

“Afterwards, we met a few times again to look through his photographs. We got along quite well and at our last day, I was brave enough to ask him, if he wanted to eat lunch with me somewhen. And I truly meant having lunch. It was not a code for dating or anything. I knew, it was far too early for that. I simply wanted to find out, if we get along on a personal level as well. Jihyun said, he knew that. So, we met each other in a little café and what should I say? We got along very well. He told me, he was able to smile honestly for the first time since Rika had died. Slowly, we grew closer. Jihyun started to open up to me. I think, it felt good to him, I never forced him into anything. When he wanted to talk, he could talk or he could stay silent, if he preferred it. A month later, he asked me, if I wanted to join the RFA. They obviously needed a new party coordinator and I loved the idea. So. I agreed. That’s how I got to know Jumin and the others.” She turned her head to Jumin and she smiled warmly at him. Jumin returned it with a twitch of his mouth. “I liked all of them from the beginning.”

“And so did we. Karana was what we all needed after Rika’s death. A kind soul, able to understand all of us and willing to listen.” Karana was surprised, when Jumin played along with her story, but she did not show it. Actually, she was glad about his support. Though, she did not suspect it to be a complete lie. Although it was hard to believe, it seemed like she was loved by her friends and was important for them.

“From that on, it took a rather ordinary way. Jihyun and I became friends. The only funny thing was, we took it the wrong way. We moved in together, before we were a couple.” That was not untrue. Technically, Jihyun and she had not officially been a couple then. “Jihyun said he felt comfortable around me and that I was great support. He also knew that I barely had enough money to cover all my expenses and he asked me, if we should share a flat.”

“He asked a stranger to move in with him?” Mister Han frowned concerned.

“Oh, they weren’t strangers,” Jumin said casually and waved his hand around. “All of us knew, they were in a relationship. They just didn’t want to admit it.”

“It was like that, wasn’t it? I mean, Saeyoung, Hyun and Yoosung constantly teased us about it.” Karana chuckled softly and shook her head. “Saeyoung said, we should stop dancing around each other and finally got into the sack. All the love floating in the air was hard to endure. Still, we needed time to admit it to each other.”

“It was so annoying. Everyone knew, they were deeply in love. Just the two of them were not willing to admit it.” Karana grumbled and gently elbowed her friend, who laughed softly. Karana ‘s facial expression relaxed due to the little teasing.

Even Jumin’s father did not look as stoic as before. Still, there was something lingering in his eyes that Karana could not get her grip on.

“That’s a rather emotionless explanation.” He rested his head on his hands and watched her closely. Of course, it was. All of it was a lie and she could not allow to let her real emotions get entwined in it. It would have turned the sweet story into a drama and she definitely did not want Mister Han to get suspicious.

“You wanted to hear, how we got to know each other not an extract of my diary, right? And with all respect, Mister Han, I don’t need to convince you, if our love’s real or better than Rika’s and his. That’s to us to decide.” Karana narrowed her eyes. She felt hurt. How could he doubt their relation? Anger pooled inside her stomach and she clenched her hand into a fist. Jumin looked concerned over at her. He knew her well enough to see the little expressions of anger on her face. Karana was rarely angry. Actually, Jumin haven’t experienced her angry. He sighed and looked up.

“Father, it is very nice of you to care so much for my childhood friend. I appreciate it, but believe me, when I tell you, she’s the best that has ever happened to Jihyun. He is happier and brighter than he ever was with Rika. Please, stop being curious. You are stressing her out and I can’t accept it. She is one of my closest friends and we wanted to spend a nice day together.” Jumin tried to solve the situation politely, but Karana could feel the slight tension in his body due to his own anger. Still, Karana could not deny, she was happy, he stood up for her- even though it was against his father. “Otherwise, I have to ask of you to leave. I won’t let her day being ruined- not even by you.”

“Jumin…,” she whispered in surprise. Jumin smiled down at her and gently ruffled through her hair. Karana grumbled again and straightened her bangs.

In this moment, the suspicion disappeared out of Mister Han’s mind and body language. He relaxed and smiled, when he saw how cheerful his son was. Karana could not help herself to wonder, if it a strange test in the first place.

“You are right,” Mister Han admitted and smiled gently. His voice was much softer. “I am sorry, Miss Cho.”

“Apology accepted.” Although her anger was still not completely gone, she did not want to be resentful. His father still meant a lot to Jumin. With these words, he stood up and got his woollen coat.

“I wish you a wonderful day. Please, inform me the next time you plan to take a day off for such a reason.” Mister Han tied his black scarf around his neck.

“I am an adult,” was the only thing Jumin said to that. Mister Han sighed and accepted Jumin’s rejection.

“It was nice meeting you.” Karana smiled.

“I am sure it wasn’t, but I appreciate that you’re trying to stay polite.” Before Karana could say anything more, Mister Han turned around and left. The instant she was sure he was gone, all the tension was gone and without her noticing it, she fell against Jumin. Without any hesitation, Jumin wrapped an arm around her shoulder and rested his head against hers.

“I’m so terribly sorry, Karana,” Jumin whispered. Karana shook her head. She suddenly felt tired after her tension was gone and she closed her eyes, being covered by Jumin’s warmth like a blanket.

“It was embarrassing, I admit, but it’s not your fault,” she answered, while she flew through the in-between of being awake and sleeping. “I still can’t believe, he thought we’re a couple.”

“One could certainly think that way, seeing us like this,” Jumin responded, while framing them with his hand. Karana chuckled tiredly.

“I hate that. Just because a woman is close to a man, it doesn’t mean, they have to be a couple.”

“That sounded more like you should have said: _it doesn’t mean she loves him_.”

“Then, they have a pretty restricted understanding of love,” she murmured. “I am _in love_ with Jihyun, but I _love_ you as a friend.”

She shrugged, when she felt Jumin’s surprised gazed on her. Jumin raised his head and looked down at her.

“Karana…,” he whispered in a thin voice. Obviously, she was not the first using the word _love_. Jumin was attractive and had a lot of admirers. There was a reason he was resentful to woman after all, but Jumin knew, Karana would never abuse this precious word. He felt his heart jump and for the first time, he understood, how powerful and unsettling at the same time it could be. Even though it might sound kitschy, he wanted to cradle the word carefully and hold it close to his heart. He was precious to someone. Still, should he not feel worried or something? She was his best friend’s girlfriend. They were not supposed to be that close. He never even thought about allowing Rika to rest her head on his shoulder for that long. She just did some times to tease him, but with Karana, it felt natural and he certainly was comfortable.

“I feel calm and relaxed around you, Jumin,” she continued casually as if this here was natural indeed. Jumin was not very experienced, but it was not normal, right? “I know that I can rely on you, no matter what. You’re there, when I need you.”

“That’s friends are supposed to do,” he said slowly and frowned. It did not feel to him like he was doing something special.

“I know, still, it is a good feeling.” Karana opened her azure blue eyes again and smiled at the curious glint in his dark ones. “It was something, I didn’t have before. Well, I didn’t intent to say it in a situation like this, but thank you, Jumin. For everything. You have no idea, how glad I was, when you arrived at the hospital, because, as selfish as it probably was, I knew everything was taken care of. I was on the edge at that time. All the decisions the doctors wanted me to make, while dealing with all those flashbacks…the uncertainty, when Jihyun was in surgery. It felt like you were the only one I could hold on, because Saeyoung was so busy fighting off Saeran.”

Karana gulped, when her memories tried to attack her again. She took a deep breath and successfully pushed them back down. Jumin just stared at her in awe, being totally unfamiliar with such honest affection.

“I treasure your ability of staying calm, no matter how dramatic the situation is. It’s something I lack off. I’m good on controlling my emotions, but that suppression only increases the pressure until it breaks. It feels like a storm in a cage. You appear calm like the sea most of the times. Talking to you helps me to see things clear. I know, I can call you in the middle of the night, emotionally messed up, but you’ll talk to me until everything calms down. It’s something very important to me.”

“Karana…,” he whispered breathlessly. He needed a moment to calm enough to know, how to react, though he still was not sure. “You’re important to me as well. I said it already, you understand me, when I don’t. When I talk to you, it feels like the missing piece of a puzzle falls into place. But I still don’t know, if this is right being that close. You’re in a relation with Jihyun. I don’t know, if he…”

“He doesn’t care,” Karana assured, already knowing what Jumin was referring to. “Jihyun and I love each other dearly, Jumin, and trust each other. We both know that there are different kinds of love out there and you can love several people at the same time for different reasons. Look at you, you obviously love your father and Elizabeth, but I am pretty sure you would say the love for your father is different than the one to Elizabeth, right?”

“Yes,” he answered.

“See? Just because I am in love with Jihyun doesn’t mean, I can’t be close to you. He’s actually glad that we are close, but if you want to, I can tell him tonight, when I call him. I can assure you, you would not be bothered.”

“How could he not be? I never experienced any of my father’s girlfriends allow him to even talk nicely to another woman.”

Karana waited until waitress in a kimono passed the paravan. She did not intent them to hear any gossip, although they would likely keep quiet.

“That’s because they’re gold-diggers and therefore never certain of their position. As smart as your father is, he wasn’t a very good idol for you to learn, what love is. Well, I have to admit, it would not be easy in his position. He’s likely changing them often, because he’s afraid of missing another, better opportunity, because he always knew, he hadn’t found a woman, who cared for him as a person. And the women knew, he knew. They had to pay attention to extend the time, until he finds a better one. It is a sad game and illusion in my opinion and has less to do with real love. Even what we share is better than what they do.” Karana smiled softly. “Jihyun and I don’t know, if we are going to stay together forever. People change and so do their needs. In a few years, we might not be, what the other needs anymore and that’s fine. But we both know that we are in this very moment and if this would ever change, we would tell the other. Until then, we have full trust in each other.”

“You are far more mature, than I would be, I suppose. I think, if it would ever happen for me to fell for someone, I would be jealous of her smiling to someone else. Even more so, if I knew, she would sit like we do with another man. I would try to keep her for myself.” Jumin furrowed his brows and stared into the distance, but did not let her go. Not that Karana wanted to. She was not worried about how they behaved around each other.

“That’s because you only experienced love to be as flighty as a bird- beautiful, but you have to lock it in a cage to keep it. For you, women would only show interest in you because of your money or your looks. You never experienced someone admiring _you_ , not the shell. That’s something else entirely. To be honest, tough, I learned that through Jihyun. Beforehand, I was the bird in the cage, controlled to stay inside by violence. It was one of my first editing jobs. A romance novel, but a good one, not a kitschy one. I was impressed by how sensible and beautifully the author was able to describe the feeling of love. I felt like get to know a new aspect of it through the book and he was pretty charming in his emails as well. I enjoyed writing with him and discussing, how it could become even better. One evening, Jihyun returned home earlier and I didn’t notice. He got a glimpse on the email and said with a smile: _You get along pretty well._ I startled and felt so ashamed, although it was nothing. We always stayed on a professional level and I didn’t even have a crush on him…I just adored his wits in writing, but it felt like I shouldn’t. So, I apologised to Jihyun, trying to reassure him it was nothing, but he simply chuckled and kissed me on the forehead. _Don’t worry, Karana, I know. I trust you,_ he said. _Just because we are in a relation doesn’t mean we’re not allowed to get along with others. We’re still individuals outside our relationship. We should have friends. If I’m not be able to trust you, then this would be close to obsession, don’t you think? I know you love me and I love you. That’s all that matters. That’s all I need to know._ To be honest, Jumin _,_ I felt the same way. I wouldn’t mind, if he got along with other musicians of the orchestra. Actually, I would be glad for him, but until then, I wasn’t sure, he saw it like that, too. I knew from a few of my shallow friends, that a lot of boys saw that as cheating already. I was glad, he trusted in my love as much as I did in his _.”_

“Jihyun…” Jumin sighed and smiled. “I am glad, he was able to find a woman, whose love gives him such confident. You truly are good for him.”

To his surprise, Karana raised her hand and gently stroked his cheek. It felt way too nice to ignore and Jumin decided not give a second thought about it. For the first time in forever, he would allow his emotions to take over. He leaned into her touch and enjoyed the warmth of her hand.

“I’m sure you’ll be able to find it as well. You are a good man, Jumin. Sure, there likely be some frogs to kiss, but please, promise me to never give up hope. Like for Jihyun and me, it could happen even in the darkest of time and I’m sure, there’s someone out there, who will be like this for you as well.” Pleadingly, she looked into his eyes and Jumin could feel her kindness sweeping through him. Maybe, allowing a few emotions in, was not that wrong.

“Maybe, maybe not,” he said callously, while gently covering her hand with his own. “I don’t care. I’m content, how it is right now. I have you as a friend, who offers all of this. At least, I know, I can trust you.”

“Jumin…” On the one hand, she was surprised yet content he valued her so much, otherwise she felt sad that Jumin did not believe someone could love him for who he is.

“But…,” he continued with a smile. “If there is ever going to be someone, who caught my eye, I would like to ask you for a favour.”

“What kind of favour,” she asked curiously and concerned at the same time.

“You have the ability to see the very core of every person and I trust you… so please, promise me, if you sense anything wrong or uncomfortable about that person, don’t hesitate to tell me. You are the only one, I will believe then. Please, I don’t want to end like my father.” His voice became quiet and desperate, a little tear forming in his eyes. “I don’t want to be hurt.”

In this very moment, Jumin looked frightened and fragile like a little child. His dark pupils shaking in his eyes and suddenly, Karana understood. Jumin only acted like he did not care about women, love or emotion, because he likely had seen how sad and disappointed his father had been. Jumin was always in for all or nothing and if he ever got hurt, he likely will give up. At this, he could at least keep the dream. Karana looked up and stared into pleading eyes. Probably, the pain of the loss of his mother still sat deeper than he knew himself. He could only trust Karana, because she had never made overtures.

Karana leaned forward and gently pulled him into his arms. Jumin startled for a moment, but then wrapped his arms around her tightly and leaned his head against her shoulder. Karana smiled and gently stroked through his black hair. Jumin had let his mask slip and she did not want him to become even more scared and therefore maybe never doing it again.

“I don’t need to ask me. I would do it anyway, because you’re my best friend.”

“And you’re mine…” He seemed to be surprised by those words as if he had just realised it now. Like he had finally been able to put everything in words and put a name card on it. His breath was warm against her shoulder and Karana felt how he relaxed slightly, while her warmth made a smile grow on his face. In this moment he finally accepted, he could trust her. No matter how weak he was or vulnerable he felt, Karana was his friend. She would be there and talk to him until it finally made sense for his inexperienced mind. “Thank you, Karana for being able to understand me.”

“My pleasure…” Gently, she placed a brief kiss into his smooth hair.

~*~

“Karana…,” Jumin addressed her an hour later. They had left the _Empress’ crown_ right afterwards, feeling they had to return to the present and leave this embarrassment in the past. The present was Jumin’s living room. Karana had changed into a sweater and a pair of leggings. Even Jumin had taken of his blazer and tie and had opened the first two buttons of his shirt. He could not become any more casual. Together, they sat on the lounge, while Karana was stroking Elizabeth, who was resting on the lean. The atmosphere was relaxed and comfortable. This was so much better and what she had wished for. His black eyes watched her close, while holding a crystal wine glass with Chateaux Margaux 1787. Karana had no idea how expensive this wine was. Actually, if she knew, she would likely feel sick. Therefore, she decided not to ask and simply enjoy it, when she got the chance. Jumin had the bottle in stock anyway. Karana had no idea how it was possible, but it tasted aristocratic.

“I’m not quite sure, but I had the impression, you looked very sad and lonely, when you arrived at my office. It looked, like you believed you didn’t belong there. Am I mistaken?”

Karana startled and almost choked on the slip of wine, she had taken. She did not expect Jumin to notice. Her brain froze for a moment and so did her face. Once again, she had no idea what to say to that. She knew her thoughts were stupid, but they were still real. Why were human minds that twisted again? Nervously, her fingers twitched around the stem of her glass, which felt cold against her touch. She tried to focus on that, but she felt like panicking. But why, for God’s sake?

“Apparently, I am not, it seems.” Jumin placed the wine back on his designer table and leaned forward. Karana sighed and nodded. There was no point in denying it. She clung onto her glass and lowered her eyes.

“Sharp observation just like always, Jumin.” She sighed and combed her finger through her hair.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Karana appreciated him asking, but it would only stand between them, if she did not offer him the same trust, he had. He was her best friend. She was supposed to be able to talk to him about those things without being afraid to lose his appreciation. Why was she?  She knew Jumin and the others were not like that. They were not her father and she did not have to be a good and quiet to gain appreciation.

“It’s stupid…,” Karana whispered.

“Karana,” he admonished her softly. She sighed again and took all of her courage.

“I thought about, how superior and talented all of you are. Jihyun is amazing in every kind of arts, Saeyoung is likely the best hacker in the country, Hyun is a fabulous musical actor. Yoosung finished his study in record time and with best marks, Jaehee is such an extraordinary assistant and you…” She looked back up at him and there was an expression in her blue eyes, he could not assess. He saw softness, but deep sadness. “You are leading one of Korea’s biggest companies. All of you excel in your profession and you were right, I felt out of place. I started to feel insignificant. I’m aware it is stupid, but those nagging doubts are still within me. How could I possibly compete with you? Before I was kidnapped, I was only one of a lot of HR-stuff for a no-name fabric of plastic and right now, I am an average editor at best.”

Jumin’s expression had changed from softness to shock. He had no idea Karana’s doubts were that strong. He saw, how she hugged herself and was too ashamed to meet his gaze. Jumin felt a flood wave of anger washing over him, which he deliberately pushed back. It was not the time for raging emotions.

“Karana, if someone else, Yoosung for example, said this to you, what would you say to him?”

“Are you serious?” She huffed and looked up at him through her long lashes. “I’m supposed to cheer myself up?”

“Yes, because you are much better in it than I am.” Jumin covered her hand with his. “What would you say?”

“I would say…,” she stared hesitantly and thought for a while. “…that succeeding in your job is not everything that matters. Even if one isn’t extraordinary in their job, it doesn’t lessen their worth. And even if it is the case for him, but I don’t believe it is, it doesn’t change a thing about our friendship. Friendship and love are not about deserving them or keeping up the pace of the others. Maybe they are better in their job, but there is something they see in you, what makes them want to spend time with you. You give something to them, what they value- more than a stupid job. I don’t like Yoosung for being a great vet. I think his profession mirrors his character. How much he cares about those in need and that he always sees the best in people. Or Saeyoung…what defines him is not that he’s a brilliant hacker. I like him, because he always made me laugh and cheered me up, when I felt uneasy or afraid.”

“Exactly,” he said calmly and this calmness made her look up. There was determination in his eyes and in this moment, Karana knew, he would not let her go, until she understood. “What we like and value about you, Karana, is your emotional intelligence, your kindness, loyalty and compassion. You always understand us even when we don’t. It feels like you can read our souls and know what we need. Whether it’s cheering us up or talking sense into us, even if it hurts. You always want our best and we all know, we can trust you.”

His hand covered her cheek softly and Karana saw the seriousness of his words in his eyes. There was no doubt it was anything, but the truth.

“Believe me, this natural feeling for humans that you owe, is so much more valuable than being good in a job. If you’re not good in your job, you can change profession, but no can become a completely new individual. No one can learn, what you own, Karana. What I admire you for is, how you are able to express your feelings. I’m truly furious right now that your father planted such doubts into you to keep you small, but I didn’t learn, how to show it. And even though the odds were all against you, Karana, you became a wonderful person and it only proved, how strong you are.”

Silence fall upon them, because Jumin wanted to give her time to let his words sink in. He cannot even imagine what kind of psyche-terror she had been through to have such a low self-esteem.

“By the way, I think you’re an excellent editor. I brought every book you’ve ever edited and I presume I know you well enough to recognise, which passages had been written by you. I found them brilliant. You bring a fine, sensible note into the inner monologues and manage to even make the villains understandable. You craft out the three dimensionalities of the characters.”

“Jumin…”

“Come here,” he said softly and gently pulled her into his arms. Karana startled for a moment, but then smiled and eased into his embrace. Jumin gently cradled her head and smiled, before he gave her little kiss into her hair. Karana smiled and leaned his head on his shoulder. It would still take some time, but Karana started to accept she had found her place and the right peoples in her life. Together with them, she would be able to come through anything. Her life-time friends. It felt wonderful to finally found people, who truly cared for all of her. Finally, she found her home.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love that chapter. I hope you did, too.
> 
> Sadly, I have no pre written chapters anymore and my cat just died...I don't know, when I will be back with a chapter, but I try to be as fast as possible. :)

**Author's Note:**

> It's my try to make MC a more three dimensional character. I don't know, if I was successful. Please, let me know. Anyway, I hope you had fun. I enjoy my time with the boys and Jaehee :)


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